How to announce a death

[2016sucksbigtime]

Hi there, I'm really not sure how to handle this and I would really welcome your advice, I tend to be more practical than emotional and I want to be supportive and sensitive but I'm really struggling right now.

My husband's younger brother died a week ago by his own hand whilst we were on holiday with our young kids. His parents only told us when we got back a couple of days ago (quite rightly I think, as there's nothing we could have done). Obviously it's been a huge shock.

DH's parents are elderly and have been writing individually to people using pen and paper to let them know. They have had friends over every day to comfort them which I am so grateful for but we haven't been able to tell anyone because they are still in the process of writing to people and are struggling with the fact that we want to be able to tell our friends and acquaintances sensitively via Facebook rather than sending individual messages. We're not even sure that BIL's friends all know about it because we don't know them and our only contact would be through his FB. I totally understand that this is a generational culture shock for his parents but right now both DH and I feel that we can't tell anyone yet and it is weighing on us very heavily. I've told my best friend because I needed her advice but there are many other friends who I feel would want to support us and that we would like to lean on and I feel like we are bound to silence until we are allowed to share the news.

I am especially anxious to tell people via a more general message because we are going to church tomorrow which really is like our extended family and I don't want to lie and pretend everything is fine, but equally I don't want to have to have to announce the death several times over as people come to say hi, it would just be horrific; I would much rather they knew already.

I just don't know what to do and feel stuck. Any advice on how to handle this?

We absolutely would run the wording past them.

We've not discussed a newspaper announcement, it hadn't occurred to me, thought it was a thing of the past.

Yes, it has felt like they didn't want us to tell people face-to-face unless we absolutely had to.

Could you tell them it's more private than an obituary in the newspaper? Perhaps they are scared about people finding out about the circumstances of the death, again due to a generational difference?

Sorry for your loss. TBH I can understand why they don't want an announcement on FB as it seems somewhat impersonal. However, and this isn't meant to be insensitive, it is not only their news to tell. he was DH's brother as well, and DH has just as much right to communicate his loss to whoever he feels he needs or wants to. This is just as much your DH's loss as their's.

I would hold off on the FB messaging, but I wouldn't ask their permission to tell people. If your DH wants to tell people then he should..

Thanks everyone, this is very helpful, I really appreciate your help.

We've spoken with PILs again and they are happy for us to talk to our friends, sort of. I think the main issue is to do with their misunderstanding facebook as an 'all the world' thing, as they are happy for an announcement to be made at our church (which is a big no-no for DH and I as there there will be lots of people we don't know) but not on FB where it's just our friends. We've decided we'll do as many private messages as we can rather than a status update to keep as private as possible. If she could MIL would I think prefer if no one knew at all, which is of course not possible, realistic or desirable. Thanks again.

Glad you have come to an agreement. Do you think her reticence is because of the fact he took his own life? I wonder if she would be as concerned if his death had been under other circumstances. Sadly, some people definitely feel a lot of guilt or shame around the manner of death which is so so tough to reconcile with yours and your husband's grief.

That's very likely regular, even more so because whilst we are all devastated we are also not surprised and thought it might happen for real for months, and as an abstract possibility since he was a teenager.

I wouldn't do it on facebook unless you are able to private message his friends. I have found out about a couple of deaths through facebook and even though they weren't close friends it was horrible. I'm sorry for your loss. I have lost two friends in recent years to suicide and it is just so hard to deal with .

I don't see the need to announce it on FB - can't you send a text/whatsapp/phone people directly? Sounds like suicide? So perhaps they are feeling sensitive about that too & worrying what people will say. Sorry for your loss.
My SIL announced my Father's death on FB and tagged me in the post and I really wasn't ready to deal with it at that point. I was not happy!

Dh died recently and we put an announcement in the local newspaper - it was done through the funeral directors, although they consulted with us about the wording.

That seems to still be "the done thing" here (Scotland).
Friends then presumably passed the word around as there were people at his funeral that I hadn't seen for years, which was very touching.
I didn't put a single thing on Facebook because I just don't use it like that.

Could I also add, that it's quite normal for the announcement to read "funeral details to be published at a later date", and then for the announcement to be in another edition, but with those details added once everything is organised.