Angry / Upset!

[torthecatlady]

Had no idea where to post this, as it seems to cross over a few topics!

Will try not to drip feed...

My mum died just over 2 years ago when I was 23 of lung cancer. It was horrific. I am still grieving and can't imagine ever not grieving. I literally cry every day at some point.

Things worth mentioning:
My relationship with my dad until my mum died was practically non-existent. We then put aside some differences in order to help each other.
I have a long history of depression and bi polar disorder (no longer on medication) it is under control.
I have addiction issues - no drugs for 4.5 years, so that is all going well. Life is on track with my dh.

My parents were married for 40 years. 6 weeks after mum died, dad started dating again. He was with a woman for a year. She broke up with him. He then had several girlfriends over a short period of time. None worked out.

He has now been with his most recent girlfriend for a year. They do not live together, they are from totally different walks of life but i guess they seem happy, other than a few disagreements on how much time they should spend on seeing each other's family. I have only met her a handful of times.

So today my dad rung me with some "good news". He is getting married.

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

I will always consider him seeking companionship as being disloyal to my mum. I know it comes across as mean, but I don't understand how he has the ability to move on as quickly as he did.

I am also unable to ignore the fact that his girlfriend has very little money whereas my dad is rather well off in comparison. What will this mean for my brother and I in terms of inheritance further down the line or potentially in the next few years due to ill-health.

I should also add, that my father has had a brain tumour for many years, it was under control, however recently it has started to grow again.

Doctors are going to try him on a drug that helped before many years ago, if it fails to stop the tumour growing his options are brain surgery (with a 70% success rate) or to do nothing. He has said that he will not go ahead with surgery.

I needed to vent I think... But I also need advice. Obviously I want my dad to be happy, but it goes against my loyalty to my mum.

It just all feels so shit!

First of all, so sorry to hear that your mum passed away and that you are having a shitty day. I know it must feel pretty rubbish to hear that your dad is moving on, particularly when it sounds like you are having a lot of trouble accepting your mother's death. I hate to sounds harsh but in my experience of this, men tend to find new partners as a way of coping. Your dad has clearly been lonely since your mum died and this is his way of dealing with things. As long as he is happy with his girlfriend I don't think there is much you can really do. I appreciate he has a brain tumour so perhaps a conversation with him to state that you are worried about him and want to look out for him might go down well. I know you mentioned the inheritance point but I'm not sure how you would be able to raise that tactfully without upsetting your dad - ultimately if he choose to spend all his cash on his new bride, that's really up to him. I think you may need to speak to your GP or a counsellor about coping with your grief as crying everyday for two years sounds like you aren't really coming to terms with the loss of your mum and it will be difficult for you to move on with your own life until you do so. Do you have any friends you can chat to? x

Really sorry about your mother, but I would do my best to be happy for your father.
In his situation being alone can't be a good thing. I'd be happy that he has found someone he can share his last days with. And, quite frankly, the inheritance would be far from my mind.

I wrote a long message back but phone battery went :(

I'm not even going to bother to attempt to write all that again!!

This is a briefer yet still very long post..

Crying everyday is the easiest option.

I don't want medication and I have had a number of different counsellors previously, not grievance counselling though. I don't think it will be the right thing for me.

The financial side is very difficult to talk about without making it sound awful. But I don't think it is unreasonable to be concerned about him and the family when he is also very vulnerable and easily manipulated.

Due to his ill health, he is likely to need personal care in the future as well as or if not a care home. He has always said he would look out for my brother and I, but whenever he gets a new girlfriend he changes and tries to be something that they want, rather than who he has been the past 65 years! I know people change, but it is cringeworthy.

Obviously, I want him to be happy. I did say that before. It's just too difficult when I see him being someone so different to how he was before.

Thanks for the messages. I now have to leave for work.

I don't think i'll be back on the bereavement board for a while. If I knew how to hide it, I would!

In case you return:
Are your concerns mostly that this woman will squander whatever money he has and will need for the rest of his life?
Are you concerned she will leave him or not care for him when he reaches the end?

OP - I've no useful advice, but I just wanted to say don't feel bad about the inheritance concerns. I have a long-held angry anticipation that my (now ailing) father will leave everything to my half-siblings who came along when I was in my teens. The anger is not about material gain, but rather what it represents - his love, which I've always felt cheated out of.