It's grief OP and grief has no rhyme not reason unfortunately.
I lost my younger brother too, he was 28 - he was a rock, my rock in life and one of my best friends. I miss him so so much.
I'm so sad that my youngest DS2 never met him.
All I. Can think is that grief is like the ocean. At he beginning the grief is like drowning. You can't see the wood for the trees. I went everywhere like a whipped dog, waiting for the grief to overwhelm me. It was like being tossed in a stormy sea, the waves of grief crashing over and over again.
As time went on the waves lessened. Soon I was crying every other night instead of every night, then soon to every third night, then every week. The sea of grief seemed to calm.
It has been nearly 4 years since we los my him. I'm in a calm sea. But every now and again a huge wave will overwhelm me, and it totally engulfs me and I can't breathe again.
I have to accept that this is the way life is now. A calm sea with the occasional engulfing wave. You have to allow yourself to feel it. I make sure I acknowledge my grief and my feelings. It's the only way I know how to keep him alive I think.
We talk about him often, refer to him regularly, but I don't think it's the same as fully acknowledging his loss.
I try not to let myself remember my brother as he was in his final days. It was such a cruel ending and it makes me tear up even now thinking about him. So I force myself to remember his healthy days and his laughter and the feel of his hands and the warmth of hugs and his mannerisms.
I'm so sorry you're going through this too, the loss of someone you love tears a hole in your heart 