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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Dad died this week and siblings don't care

18 replies

SnoozeButton · 30/04/2016 01:43

My lovely Dad died on Monday from Parkinson's and dementia.

My DBro and DSis haven't been in touch with him or DM for several years now.

Finally persuaded DM to give me their phone numbers to let them know Dad is gone.

Both numbers for DSis unobtainable. She has form for disappearing for months and ditching her contact details.

DBro answered but is "too busy " to be at funeral. Sent text to him inviting him to call round to talk. No response. I don't expect there will be one.

I feel so furious. Dad didn't deserve this. He loved us all.

Don't know how to cope with this. Lying in bed crying my eyes out. How do I tell mum? I want to send him a venomous text cutting him out, I just want to kill him.

How can I make sense of such nastiness?

OP posts:

MattDillonsPants · 30/04/2016 08:37

I'm so sorry for your loss Is there some history there that perhaps you don't know about but which may explain their no contact policy?

dementedpixie · 30/04/2016 08:46

Sounds like there is a big back story for them to be non contact for so long. Do you know their reasoning?

Goingtobeawesome · 30/04/2016 08:48

You are out of order to want to kill your brother. You clearly have no idea why they weren't in contact and he would be a hypocrite to go to the funeral. Stop trying to make people do what you think they should and respect they have their own choices.

Just5minswithDacre · 30/04/2016 08:50

There must be a backstory. It sounds very sad all round.

sparechange · 30/04/2016 08:52

So sorry for your loss.

Are you the youngest of the siblings?
What lead up to the falling out?

MardyGrave · 30/04/2016 09:00

I think it's unusual for two siblings to go no contact with the same man for no significant reason.

You need to respect their wishes and grieve for the man he was to you, not the man you think he should have been to others.

rainbowstardrops · 30/04/2016 09:02

I agree that there must be a reason that two of his children are NC. Still terribly sad though.
I'm very sorry for your loss OP

RaeSkywalker · 30/04/2016 09:10

Sorry for your loss

You can't control what your siblings do. Perhaps they have a good reason to have been NC with their father. You have tried to notify your sister, you have notified your brother and he doesn't want to be involved. You have done all you can (and should) do.

Original poster

SnoozeButton · 30/04/2016 11:09

I know the history and it isn't anything that my dad did wrong.

DSis has always been a nasty bully and the whole family have been scared of her since she was a child. I shared a room with her then so got the worst of it. She has form for disappearing for months then getting back in touch. My DM made the decision a few years back not to see her anymore (DSis lives abroad) after she shouted at DF and badly scared him on last visit - DF was already suffering from dementia. DM will only speak to DSis by phone.

DBro upsets me more as we used to get on really well as kids but he became really off when I went away to university. I don't know what went wrong but he became really hostile towards me. He lived at home with parents until he was 30 then moved out and got a flat nearby, I didn't see him much but parents regularly saw him. Then parents moved abroad and he didn't bother keeping in touch much. After a few years he finally went out to visit them with new girlfriend. During the trip according to DM, DBro and gf totally ignored parents, ate all meals in their room and only emerged to go out drinking at night, returning home plastered at dawn. DM had a row with him, he left with gf and never got in contact again. DM won't contact him as she feels she is owed an apology.

I can understand he may still be angry about the argument but to refuse to go to his own dad's funeral over it? That I can't understand

OP posts:

superwormissuperstrong · 30/04/2016 11:21

So neither of them sound like they cared for family life - so leave them to it.
I would actually prefer it that at funerals and bereavement times that your mum and you are surrounded by people that care for you and loved your dad, not hypocrites that might 'act' appropriate for a few days.
Family is more than blood - its how you act that matters, neither of your siblings have acted as part of your family. It would be so fake if they did it now for appearances sake.
I can understand you are angry, but its anger that your family hasn't fit the image we see represented in the media as this wide loving family. But the truth is that fractured families are a reality. You can mourn that - but its diverting you from probably a harder truth which is that your father has died after a horrible illness that probably robbed him of a lot of dignity.
Take care of yourself, but you need stop expecting your brother and sister to act a certain way. The truth is even if they did turn up for the funeral and pretend to be 'happy families' - given the history isn't there more chance that it will be spoilt because someone will speak out of turn at some point about how they really feel and a load of family shit will come tumbling out. A funeral isn't the place for this...
Many hugs, I understand you are hurt and upset.

RaeSkywalker · 30/04/2016 11:29

Again Snooze, you really can't control what your siblings do or say. Dwelling on it is only going to make you feel worse at an already awful time. Just be there for your DM.

Grief is difficult, dementia is horrendous. My grandmother had it and I feel like we lost her twice- she slowly faded away from us, and we all grieved then. Then she died and we all grieved again. 2 of my cousins decided to stop visiting her about a year before she died, because it was too painful for them. Another cousin didn't attend the funeral for the same reason. I wouldn't choose to behave like any of them, but I understand that they were trying to cope as best they could in a flipping awful situation, as we all were.

You can only control your own behaviour. You don't know what their relationship with your dad was like, and you've only heard one side of the story. I think that pursuing your siblings further will ln cause you more distress. Please don't do it to yourself.

Original poster

SnoozeButton · 30/04/2016 14:24

Going - thanks for your sympathetic reply it really helped. I do know the reasons why they are not in contact, see above. I have never tried to tell them how to live their lives I'm just sad they don't have a shred of human decency. So shoot me.

Whatever you might think my DF didn't deserve this treatment and I'm angry about it

OP posts:

MattDillonsPants · 30/04/2016 14:50

It's awful when family members are weird. I have a weird brother OP. He's awful and aggressive one moment and then fine the next. I also have a cousin with mental illness and at times like this...a family bereavement, it's a big reminder of what you're missing out on by not having nice, supportive and pleasant siblings.

Try to remember the best times and forget that they haven't been involved OP.

Kidnapped · 30/04/2016 15:02

Gosh, I'm sorry OP.

I think you need to concentrate on you and your mum now. If you pursue this with anger, you could end up with all sorts of bad feelings at a time when you really don't need any more. Don't let it cast an even darker shadow over your dad's funeral.

Do you have an aunt/uncle/friend who could maybe try to track your sister down by social media? If you delegate that task to someone else then maybe things will be easier for you. If they do manage to get contact details, well then you can make the call if you want. Just for your own peace of mind that you have done the right thing by everyone.

rainbowstardrops · 01/05/2016 07:48

Oh blimey Snooze that's awful and I don't blame you for being angry because I would be too!

My family aren't on the scale of NC but I too get frustrated when they don't put the same importance on events/visits etc that I do. I have come to the conclusion that I can't change them but at least I can hold my head up high.

It must be terribly hurtful though to you and your mum. She's very lucky that she has you

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/05/2016 22:21

Oh I feel for you - it would be nice to be able to share your grief with your siblings - but from reading this won't happen - as it sounds like one has has cut ties and your brother sounds very selfish

It's very very normal to get angry after a death - it's an easier emotion than sadness - but be careful that you waste emotions on being angry and they sound like a waste of energy

Focus on your mother , your memories and be kind to yourself . Getting angry at them will hurt you more

Falling270 · 13/05/2016 08:12

I don't have chance to go into it but I experienced a very similar situation to yours (my mum was in very similar situation to yourself) and I understand. It's not right and it's difficult to let go. My mum has been consumed with anger over it for almost two years and counting. It's getting better I think. Try not to let poor behaviour from siblings cloud this time for you.

Tummyclutter · 13/05/2016 15:55

I'm sorry for your loss.
I can understand your anger, but please just concentrate on yourself and your mum helping each other cope.
You said that you finally persuaded your mum to give you their phone numbers - which suggests there isn't much of a relationship anyway.
It's hard to accept, but not every family is like The Waltons, would you really want them attending the funeral?

Unfortunately I speak from my own experience.

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