Everyone around me is pregnant - I'm finding it a strain.

[dhw]

I feel terribly self indulgent and ungrateful considering what has happened to ggg.

I am in an amazing position of having a wonderful 4.5 yr old boy whom I absolutely adore (took me a while to get to this stage, but i'm well and truly there now!).

DS has lots of friends who are only children too. But one by one each of my friends that have only children are getting pregnant (something in the air at the moment it would seem).

Because I have had two stillbirths in the last year and have made the decision to not even try and have any more children, I am finding it really hard and draining to do the whole 'excited for you, how wonderful, when's it due?'.

I think part of it is that I am just plain jealous of the future they have with a new baby. Part of me worries for them that it may all go tits up (as it did for me) and I can't bear to hear of pregnancy disasters as I know how sad it is and how hard it is to deal with.

I have a terrible secret fear that I will be the only person in my group of friends with an only child. I do know how lucky I am to even have one - but it was never my intention to only have one and I do feel a bit cheated and sad. All the feelings I don't want to be feeling.

Sorry - just needed to get that off my chest, as my best friend has just told me she's pregnant. Of course I'm thrilled for her, but it still hurts.

Hi dhw, I was wondering how you were. Haven't seen you on the boards for a while.

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. You have had a terrible time losing two babies and it's only natural to feel a pang of 'it could have been me' when hearing news from your friends.

I too have a 4.5 year old ds, and I m/c last April (nothing compared to your losses) and I do exactly the same thing. I like the fact that ds has friends who are also only children and feel a pang of something or other when I hear their mums are expecting again. I even feel it when celeberity mums get pregnant with their 2nd child (how silly is that?)

Of course you are thrilled for them. But that 'could of been me' thing will probably always be there. I don't know if thats a good thing to say to you or not. You have made a decision that is best for your family due to harrowing circumstances, but it's not what you would have ideally wanted.

God I feel like I am totally waffling here. Sorry. What I am trying to say I guess is it's OK to feel what you are feeling. Kind of being jealous of a pal who goes to Barbados on holiday and you never get to go, but that's OK cause you go to Hawaii every year and it's beautiful there too.

northener couldn't have put it any better myself! Thanks for your lovely replies everyone.

God it's such an arse - because i'm still wracked with feelings of 'what if we regret our decision in 5 years time or 10 years time?' but you can't live with regrets I guess.

I also want to scream at people who are pregnant and totally confident - "how on earth can you be so bloody confident - don't you know terrible, terrible things can happen" and I hate myself for it.

I too felt like you.
My DD is 4.5 and after almost 2 years of trying and fertility treatment I am PG again. It is so hard to try and be 'pleased' for other PG mums when you so desperately want another child.

I hope LGJ sees this thread, she will have many comforting words to say about being a parent of an only child.

{{{{}}}}

Thanks ginger - and huge congrats on your pregnancy - god you must be thrilled!

I actually don't desperately want another one - that's the weird thing - I have found having one hard enough...but I guess the romantic notion of another baby is what I can't let go of.

I did start an only child thread a while ago and got some great, positive replies.

I'm an only child, two of my best friends are only children, my mum and her mum are also only children - it's not an unusual situation for me. I guess that it's just not the situation I chose - it has been somewhat forced on me.

Hello dhw, nice to see you here again, although I am so sorry you are finding this aspect of life hard at the moment.
I think you've had some good advice on here from others, and I just wanted to say hi and how much I agree with you that even four years down the line I cringe for people who are totally, utterly confident that nothing will ever go wrong. I find that hard too.
Although it is good that your friends are telling you face to face and early on, (rather than avoiding you or getting to 35 weeks before mentioning it), could it be possible that you are making more of a generous effort than they expect from you? That your innate kindness is making life harder for you than it should be? Just a thought.

Hello lovely Marina,
Thanks for your message - yes you are right. I've just emailed my friend and told her that I am genuniely thrilled for her, but at the moment i'm struggling a bit as 3 of my friends with only children are pregnant again. I've also said that if I seem to change the subject or go quiet when I'm chatting to her on the phone it's because i'm finding it difficult, not becuase I don't care.

Feel better for having been honest. Even if it was done by email!!

Life is SOOOOOOOOO much better than it was - I have had some incredible, and dynamic therapy (EDM - eye movement desensitisation) which has really helped with the trauma.

Hope all is well with you
x

I found that my friends being pg after my mc was the hardest thing to cope with. It turned out that at the time of my mc one of my best friends had not long had her baby and my other best friend was due to have hers not long after so it was tough. It gets easier but it's still hard and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling like this xx

"I actually don't desperately want another one - that's the weird thing - I have found having one hard enough...but I guess the romantic notion of another baby is what I can't let go of."

OMG are you me? This is exactly my situation.

I'm an only child too btw.....

how strange northerner! not not strange, how fantastic - i'm not alone and your'e not alone! We're not bonkers afterall!

I can totally see the benefits of being an only child (I had a good experience of it myself and am consequently extremely close to my mum and dad) and I actually see my life being quite civillized now - I'm getting a bit of my life back which is great. I actually feel very lucky.