My dad is dying ( not sure where to post)

[TulipStream]

Hi
I'm not sure on the correct topic to post in.

My dad is early 50s, he's dying and I can't talk to anyone about it in my life as my dad doesn't wish to tell anyone outside the immediate family. My family are acting like it's all going to be OK.

But it's not. I've always been closer to my dad and I dont know how I'm going to cope without him.

I know this is really selfish thoughts but I'm getting so upset when I think he'll never get to see me get married / walk Me down the aisle / meet his first grandchild.

On top of that, the pressure of taking on the financial responsibility scares me.

Everything in his will ( not endless but significant?) is being left to me, as I've always been the one who sorts everything out.

He's asked Me to financially take care of my family and I plan too but my mum is an addict and I can't describe how nasty and cruel she can be about money.

So even if I balanced the finances out to ensure I can afford her bills for the next 20 years or more, I know she'd hit low points and will last out me, same with step siblings.

She hasn't really ever worked and doesn't understand about balancing money and you know, normal adult things like how leaving everything switched on and running in a house 24/7 increases bills.

I've never lost anyone significant to Me before and I'm trying to put myself together a plan of dealing with it when the time comes.

I've never planned a funeral. I dont know how I am going to cope without my dad, he's the only parent I've depended on

How will I take care of everybody emotionally and financially when there's addiction thrown in there and people are unpredictable? I'm in my 20s and i expected my dad would be here for a very long time and it seems abit of a whirl wind.

We don't often discuss emotions really in my family and I'm fine during the day but when it gets to night and I'm laying in bed alone thinking, I keep crying. I feel so weak? Embarrassed? with fearing the inevitable and how I will cope, I know I'll cope I'll have too.

I'm not even sure what my question was anymore lol..

I guess it's just, does anyone have any tips for dealing with difficult family dynamics in these situations?

I'm so sorry that you are in this awful situation. Unfortunately I can't offer any advice about your difficult family dynamics but I would suggest you spend as much time now with your dad as this is not something you will ever regret. You may be able to gently talk to him about how much you love him and are going to miss him. I think it's ok to do this. There is no need to feel embarrassed or weak. What you are feeling is understandable in your circumstances. It will be heart-breaking when he dies but you will find the strength from somewhere to cope. As far as organising the funeral I found the funeral directors were very helpful and supportive.

Most important of all is to look after yourself

Thank-you for your reply.

I keep making excuses to visit my dad daily but I can't tell him how much I'll miss him as he's in denial about his diagnoses. ( says the doctors are all wrong)

I can understand why he's saying that though because it must be an extremely scary thing to admit or be told you're dying, so I don't want to upset him or force him to admit or come terms with it, when he's not ready.

I will look into local funeral directors, thanks, it was just a relief to have somewhere / someone ( even if strangers online) to write my worries down.

Sue Ryder have an online forum which is really really good, it's run by specialist nurses X

you are in an awful situation. Can you not get a solicitor to visit your dad with you and get him to be more specific re the will? Leaving it all for you is far too much and will clearly cause endless problems with your mum. Likewise, try and get some idea of his funeral wishes - these too can be recorded in the will, but aren't binding.
Don't know where he is, but if it's a hospital or hospice there will be some support for the families of terminal ill people -seek them out and share your load.
Be strong for your Dads sake, but don't bear the load on your own - it doesn't sound like he would purposely hurt you.

It sounds like a difficult situation, I really feel for you! I think everyone has responsibility of sorts thrust upon them when a parent or partner dies, and it's awful. It's tough but you have to hold strong, for the sake of your future.

You need to get everyone on the same page, so they understand the burden of the situation on you. Whilst your dad is still with you, it might be a good idea to have him communicate your fears to your mother. Is that something that would be possible? Hearing it from him may make them realise, or at least make the process easier for you.

We had a similar situation during the death of our grandmother. I was very worried about my sister at the time, but our probate solicitors in Surrey (where I lived at the time) communicated clearly to her that the finances would be tightly controlled. Some of the family services most solicitors will offer are outlined here: www.healdnickinson.co.uk/services/wills-trusts-and-probate

It makes delicate situations, especially after someone has passed away, much more transparent; might be best for you to draw something up? I know that you're managing the money yourself, because your dad trusted you, so do what's best for the current situation.

Hi Tulip not sure how much you are checking this thread but I just wanted to say that I'm going through very similar at the moment (except without the financial responsibility that you have been asked to sort).

Your post really resonated with me though as my family are exactly the same about my dad (advanced cancer). They are all in denial and carry on as normal even though he is getting weaker by the day. Also no one really says I love you in our family (it just feels awkward!) but we all know we love each other and I'm sure your family are the same (I tell my own kids I love them everyday!). I do my crying on my own at night too and put on my logical/helpful head when I'm with everyone.

And I too am also constantly making excuses to go and see him now (just passing etc) so as not to worry him even more with my many visits.

You sound like you have a huge burden to carry (the finances) on top of dealing with your dad being so ill - I really feel for you. Make sure you find some time for yourself to relax and do stuff just for "you". I know how hard it is to switch off from the constant worry and it can feel quite claustrophobic at times. I need to take this advice myself too I think!

With regards to the family dynamics, all you can do is your best and what you think is fair and right and no one should expect more than that. However your family react to that is not something you can control unfortunately but, hopefully, they will be understanding and helpful! After the inevitable happens and when everyone else knows - is there any other family or friends who you can lean on for support and perhaps help you arrange the finances?

You will cope and you will get through this. It isn't fair and life can be so cruel but you get through it and things will settle down once again eventually. for you

Hi Tulip, Sorry you are going through this. It's awful and unfortunately something I've recently been through a lot of myself.
I have just lost my Mum a few weeks ago and some of the issues that you are now facing I/We faced too.
After mum was diagnosed she (and her partner) lived in denial. I needed to know the truth and be armed with the full facts so I would speak to the Dr's and nurses etc after Mum had seen them for appointments. At first this was so strange and stressful 'knowing' but not being able to speak to people about it. I would often look at my mum (and step dad) and just think - how the hell can you cope/manage/live with not knowing? how can you just act normal?
I quickly realised and understood that my mum was afraid. Her denial was her protection and ultimately, I truly believe, it extended her life.
It doesn't make it any easier to cope with though, we had a huge family christmas, not something we've all done for a while. We gave mum a big party on her last birthday even though it wasn't a biggy, with family members she'd not seen in years.....she knew why. we just didn't say the say words.

I had similar financial fears too, as I said before my step dad was also in denial too so wasn't sharing any of my worries and concerns.
I had to go and visit the funeral director one day, long before my mum actually passed, to arm myself with information about costs, how we would pay and such as I was becoming so frazzled about it all. They really helped to calm me at that point.

I would say that you do need to involve other family members, make them aware of what you are coping with right now. I actually snapped one day with my step dad because I couldn't take much more on my shoulders, I understood that he didn't want to accept he was going to lose my mum but there was certain things that I believed he had to start taking responsibility for and that he had to stop leaving everything up to me as it wasn't fair. I too was trying to come to terms with everything. He also wasn't 'experienced' in running a home, so that also fell to me. I didn't mind at all looking after my mum - cooking, cleaning etc.. but it really began to annoy me that he would happily let me take it all on, hence the snapping incident. He did kick himself up the arse and stepped up after it happened :)

When my mum first got diagnosed, it obviously really hit me hard and I needed someone to talk to. In my area, we can self refer to something called Talking therapies. I did and they were a god send but you do need to find time for yourself too.

My heart goes out to you, take care xx

Another going through this - not much to say other than

It's so hard when they are in denial and its best to have a senior medic tell you face to face - and even then !

Oh ladies it's so heartbreaking xxxx

So sorry you are going through this Tulip. How are you doing today? I agree with others...funeral directors will be a big support in organising the funeral. While your dad is still alive spend what time you can with him. Nothing you have written is selfish at all and you have nothing at all to be embarrassed about. If you ever want to talk to someone in the middle of the night (or anytime), Samaritans can be great for stuff like this. It's not just for people who are suicidal at all. They are for anyone who is feeling low, struggling with something or distressed and needs someone to talk to. They are totally confidential. Take care.