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How do you explain to a 5 year old about stillbirth?

9 replies

ellanatal · 04/01/2007 16:46

My dd found out today that her best friend's little brother was stillborn during the xmas holidays - we are friendly with the parents - they were excited to be having another boy - we've just had our ds2 and there would be a similar age gap between our kids - and i was surprised that they hadnt called over the holidays to let us know the baby had been born. So i saw the dad at school and asked him and he was crying in the classroom this morning - i could say nothing but was just crying with him.
But i dont know what to say to my dd - she's been unconsolable at times since we came home from school and she keeps asking why?
We're not religious and i just dont know what to say - ii'm scared in case she'll be frightened that her baby brother will die too.
Any ideas about how to deal with this awful situation?

OP posts:
singyswife · 04/01/2007 16:55

Hello, this a terrible thing to happen. My children bless them have had lots of death to deal with in their short lives (although never children). We always tell them that the angels needed someone new to play with. Perhaps you could explain that the engels needed someone to play with and look after so they took this new born baby. The baby will be really well looked after and the angels wont need any babies for a while. I think this is the way I would go. I have a 5yo dd and they are pretty accepting once they receive a reasonable exlpanation of things. I have never gone down the big scary death explanations with mine, I have always just said about the angels wanting new play mates. Hope this helps. Thinking of your dd at this time.

ellanatal · 04/01/2007 17:06

Thanks singsywife - thats a really good idea about angels not needing any more babies to play with. She's a really emotional 5 year old anyway but hasnt really had any death to deal with. She's not cried for the last half hour so maybe she'll have a chance to have a think about it herself - just need to stop myself crying when i think of it as well.

OP posts:
LucyJones · 04/01/2007 17:08

So sorry to hear this. it might be worth findin a book to help - such as the last one written about Mog. might be of some help

LucyJones · 04/01/2007 17:09

It's Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr

frogs · 04/01/2007 17:43

We had this when dd1 was 4 and my dsis had a baby with a major chromosome disorder. Dd1 knew from the outset that the baby was not well he had a feeding tube in his nose, very obvious cataracts and some skeletal deformities and we just explained it to her in terms of some babies not growing properly while they were in their mummy's tummy and they weren't strong enough to grow into big children once they'd been born. We are Catholics, as it happens, but I don't think that really changes the approach you need to take.

To make things worse for dd1, this happened a few months after I'd had a non-developing pregnancy with subsequent treatment -- we'd already told dd1 she was going to have a brother or sister, and she was present at the scan where they told us out of the blue that the pregnancy wasn't viable, so she experienced it all a bit more closely than I would have liked.

I was concerned that dnephew's death would affect dd1 particularly badly after me losing the pregnancy, but tbh it wasn't as bad as we feared. She did ask questions about death for some while afterwards, and we did have phases of going over and over the facts with her. I think it helped to make a distinction between babies or children that are sick or don't grow properly, or old people who are very ill and tired on the one hand, and the rest of us on the other, so that they don't start assuming any of their family might die at any time. Clearly that's a slight fudge, but I think it's reasonable to keep reassuring them that most people don't die until they're very old, and that we had no plans to die ourselves, and that she wasn't sick so was unlikely to die herself.

hth -- it is an awful situation, but ime children that age really don't have the same overview as adults and can cope with upsetting things quite pragmatically, especially if it's not their immediate family that are affected. But keep your feelers out for those lingering questions.

ellanatal · 04/01/2007 19:18

Thnaks frogs - i think i'm also worried that she'll be worried about us dying - my own mother died when she was 43 and i have explained this to dd but this was easier in a way as she was ill before she died. i cant get my head round our friends baby dying but as you said children are just so much more pragmatic and nowhere near as emotional as adults. She asked whether she should talk to her best friend about it (they hadnt talked about it today or yesterday) - i said she shouldnt bring it up in their wee chats unless the other little girl does - is this the right tack to take?

OP posts:
frogs · 04/01/2007 22:01

Ella, I think that sounds very sensible. I would explain to her that her friend may be feeling very sad and that people don't always want to talk about things that make them feel sad, so best not to mention it unless the other person does first.

That's what we said to dd1 wrt her cousin (the older sister of the dnephew who died) and I think it is the best way.

tomps · 07/01/2007 21:30

ellanatal - I had the same fears (about dd being frightened about us or herself dying) when we had to tell her her baby brother was stillborn (no sympathies please, long time ago) - she was 3. But the advice my counsellor gave me was to be open and honest with her and so we have and actually it's been quite liberating. I do always tell her that I'm not going to die for a long time yet because I've got too much to do ! But she's worked out for herself that granny will die before mummy and mummy will die before her and she's very matter of fact about it. We can talk about people dying quite easily, to the extent that when she saw me wearing my nice new jimjams she said "mummy when you die, can I have those ?" We didn't have any particular religious framework but she knows that some people believe in heaven/souls etc. I really believe that we are so far removed from death in our day to day lives in our very scientifically developed world that it comes as a complete shock to people sometimes. Hopefully dd will grow up with a much healthier attitude towards death. My top tip is to not shield children from death - it probably just makes it scarier and their imaginations can run riot. End of sermon ! Good luck

kateyp · 08/01/2007 10:15

Hiya,
There is a good children's book that Sands do (stillbirth and neonatal death society) called "A Star for Bobby" which was written by a Mum for her daughter when their little boy was stillborn. You can get it from the sands website www.uk-sands.org/

It is under "information" then "publications and resources" then "books about the experience of babyloss". (sorry - can't do a direct link - the Sands website won't let me!)

Your friends may like a copy too for their child.

And for what it is worth - when I lost my first son (unexplained stillbirth) I appreciated the directness of children's questions - often a lot more honest than the adults! I would've thought that if your daughter has questions for her friend then it would be OK for her to ask - the friend may be worried about talking about her baby brother so may need a bit of a lead. I don't think that there is a 'right' answer sadly.

Remember the anniversary.

Kate
xx

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