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Bereavement

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My husband took his own life a week ago today

35 replies

cocopops · 04/03/2016 08:56

Not much to say really. I think today is going to be difficult for me and my daughter. It came out of the blue but at least he left a note explaining.

Any advice appreciated.

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cocopops · 09/03/2016 12:31

Thank you so much Anthony and Mama. Mama, I have been reading your thread and appreciate you taking the time to post in this one when you are not much further down the road than me.

Not had a duvet day yet as I have been mad busy rushing round organising things but am sure one will come soon.

Take care.

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MadisonAvenue · 09/03/2016 12:48

Flowers So sorry coco. Sending my very best wishes your way, so glad you have some good support xx

PaulAnkaTheDog · 11/03/2016 17:52

Nine years today my dp committed suicide. I don't want to say this, it's such a cliché but it gets better. Thinking of you cocopops, all my love to you and your family at this difficult time. You too MamaTeeTee. No one should have to go through this but you can come out the other side.

MrsJackAubrey · 11/03/2016 17:55

I'm so very sorry cocopops, (and MamaTeeTee) I have nothing wise to say, just that I'm really sorry to know that someone is suffering in this way - I cannot imagine how you must feel. Very best wishes to you,

dilys4trevor · 02/04/2016 09:57

My H committed suicide in January.

I also have two school age children (and one almost two year old).

My boys (7 and 5) have gotten on with life entirely as before. I know it will be more difficult later.

I have found that doing fun stuff with them helps as does 'making plans.' Holidays, swimming lessons, trips to the cinema. Mine are at an age where as long as they are dong fun stuff and seeing their friends and feeling loved they are not too distressed. Later, there will be more questions and worry I guess.

cocopops · 02/04/2016 20:01

Thanks Dilys. I think you are so right. We have lots of nice things planned but part of me worries that we are deflecting from reality and not really facing up to things. My DD freaked out yesterday when I was putting things away in the attic and didn't hear her shouting for me. She was sobbing her heart out, thinking I had left. On the face of it she seems fine and getting on with life but then something like that happens and it makes me so sad that this has made my beautiful outgoing daughter so vulnerable.

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dilys4trevor · 02/04/2016 21:28

Me too. It angers me that my lovely boys, who should have nothing darker in their little heads than which super hero they like the best, are dealing with this. When I hear them matter of factly telling people their dad jumped in front of a train (I got advice from WW and their ace headmaster to be very honest) I ache for their loss of innocence.

I have a lot of hate for H generally but that is about his behaviour prior.

I can see that yours is a personal grief as much as for them. Thanks

cocopops · 03/04/2016 10:31

I hope your boys get strength from you and any help they need. My DD's school have been fantastic too- at least she has that to go to every day, keeping busy.

My DH walked in front of a train too. All I keep thinking about was how could he do that, how scared he must have been. He couldn't watch someone on tv getting an injection so how the hell did he summon up the courage to do this.

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dilys4trevor · 03/04/2016 11:41

Yes, I can't believe my H did it either. He was a total hyperchrondriac! Always worried about his health.

He wasn't depressed, classically, I don't think. But I knew he was very low, panicked, paranoid and irrational. I had thrown him out a week prior upon discovering an affair and refused to see him. His high status job had gone as his affair was at our shared workplace and he had been very senior, as am I. He blamed me utterly for this in his last day, even though it was his own drunken flagrancy that had alerted the boss to what was going on (although he was right that I wasn't fighting for him to keep his powerful job, I had left it up to the firm and even asked them not to fire him outright but just move him to another role somewhere else in London).

This was after a year of EA and refusal to leave plus neglect of our kids. After his death it emerged he was seeing at least one other girl at the same time. I think he possibly was mentally ill but in the sense of being a narcissist, rather than in a benign way, IYSWIM. Still, he had been a good man only two years ago and for the eight years of being together before that. I don't know if narcissism-style illness can come on just like that. There is a good chance he just had an affair, followed the classic behaviour there, and then just did it following the collapse of his job. Who knows. He had cultivated a bit of a 'victim' persona in his last year or so and so I was shocked beyond belief that he did it (you can't get sympathy when you're dead). I would have expected maybe a cry for help, attention-seeking 'bid' to make everyone feel sorry for him but not the sure fire method of tube jumping!

Anyway, not to hijack. Sounds like your H was a good man who felt depressed. Rather than someone who wanted to escape from their own self-made problems. Reading up on it afterwards, most suicides are men who were 'quietly depressed.' It sounds like the note has provided a bit of comfort to you (mine didn't but it was obvious 'why' I guess).

I told the children he was 'ill in his mind' and so made that decision because he felt too sad to carry on and now he won't ever come back. They accepted it. How old is your DD?

cocopops · 03/04/2016 19:43

My DD is 12 - so old enough for us to tell her exactly what happened. She has her moments, but seems to be coping ok. All of the counselling services however won't see her (or me) until at least 6 months after so I suspect that that is perhaps the time it begins to sink in and we stop coping? She has slept in our bed with me since it happened but tonight she is going to try to be in her own bed. That will be strange.

My DH and I were in the same profession. He got terribly down about work and, to use a term I hate but which everyone seems to use these days, wasn't terribly "resilient" in the workplace. He has hated his job for a long time now but so do I (and most people I know who do our line of work) so I just thought it was par for the course. Clearly, there was a lot more to it. I wish I had realised...

I am sorry you had all you had to deal with with your DH. You mentioned you had read up after his death- was there any publication you would recommend? I have read Death and how to survive it and am waiting on another one from Amazon about dealing with suicide (can't remember the name) but any recommendations would be welcome.

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