Still struggling with my mum's death

[PitPatKitKat]

My mum died nearly six years ago. She died within a few months of a late diagnosis of aggressive breast cancer.

I moved back to look after her for the last few months. An "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" period in my life i.e. there are so many special and precious memories from then, but it was heartbreaking too.

It kind of broke me emotionally and my life fell apart for a bit afterwards. I'm only really finally putting it all back together now.

In the last six years, I have left my career, moved across the country three times, gone NC with the reminder of DM's family (over their behaviour over a long time, brought to a head by how they treated both myself and DM when she was dying) done up and sold 3 houses and gotten married. I've had depressive periods and counselling a few times as well.

Anyway, it's about the "anniversary" of the diagnosis, so the memories of looking after her and her death are going to flood back over the next few months.

I can't shake a feeling that something catastrophic is going to happen soon. Struggling to sleep a lot, waking with nightmares if I do sleep, crying so hard I shake if I stay awake. I miss her so much I can't bear it.

We are talking about doing up our current flat over the course of this year and moving again this time next year. I don't know if I can take any more upheaval.

I thought I had got past the crying and shaking stage of grief, the last few years have been better, but it's hit me like a brick wall this time, just in the last week or so. Please help.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Have you considered speaking to your GP? It sounds like anxiety symptoms may be rearing their ugly head. Sometimes you can feel the effects years later - I experienced it ten years afterwards and it hit me like a train with the nightmares - three times a week! Medication helped and I've had counselling too since my DM died three months ago.

You've had a lot of upheaval. Maybe you could take a step back and keep things on an even keel for a while?

Thank you Bex. Sorry to hear about your DM .

I had a good talk with DH about my nightmares and all the upheaval today. It helped a lot. We are still going to move next year, but we have decided to go to the bottom end of our price range, small and easily manageable, and something new or newly renovated, so no DIY work, which largely falls to me. The drop in mortgage payments would make a big difference to us month to month.

Realised as well that all the Mother's Day cards etc in the shops could be what has set me off a bit. I moved back Mother's Day weekend when my mum was ill.

My GP is a good idea. I went there a lot last year as I had another health issue and whilst at first she was supportive (she was new to the practice and quite bright eyed and bushy tailed), once I was on my third appointment in as many months she started getting a bit funny (not with me particularly, I just think the reality of the job had set in). Maybe I could ask to see someone else though.

I've been thinking about counselling as general support for a couple of months and there is someone I have been thinking about seeing, and maybe I should just give that a go sooner rather than later. I'm in two minds though- explaining all the backstory to a person in person might be too much for me at the moment. Maybe I could write it down though, let her read it at the first meeting.

Than you Bex.

It's good that you say talking to your DH helped - I am naturally a very closed person but I've opened up much more since my mum died and talking does help hugely. Counselling has really helped me get through the last few difficult weeks and it can be hard to talk about certain things but I always feel lighter afterwards. Only you can know if you're ready to go down that road though!

I really wish Mother's Day wasn't happening this year but I'm a mum too so there's no escaping it sadly.

I know what you mean- talking does help but I need to feel a connection with the person before I can open up, which is a bit of catch 22 situation sometimes.

In the last few years I've had my guard up about Mother's Day, and I think I let it down because I was feeling better generally and it caught me unawares.

It does get better and easier, it's just sometimes it catches you when you think you're past it.

Take care