But now it seems there's absolutely no avoiding it. The 25th will be my stillborn son's birthday. I have an 8 week old rainbow baby lying peacefully asleep next to me. But she's not him, and he's never far from my thoughts, and having this baby has brought up a whole host of emotions that I'm struggling to deal with. I have no idea how to get through the next couple of days. This time last year I had no idea that my much wanted baby would die inside me, that I couldn't keep him safe, and that I would have to go into hospital on Christmas Day and talk to midwives with tinsel in their hair about giving birth to my dead baby.
He's buried in a lovely memorial garden and we'll go up on Friday morning and lay a wreath and have a cry. We'll go home and light a candle and it's not going to be enough, is it? I wish I could drink the day away but don't dare even have a sip with the new baby around.