Too much?

[darumafan]

I posted here 3 years ago under a different name. My son, James killed himself, he was 22 years old. Since he died, my dad died 2 years and 5 days after James. My mum died 2 weeks ago, she had cancer but I think that she died of a broken heart.

Mum's death has been hard but no harder than dad or James. So why am I struggling so much? I am constantly tearful and feel very panicky.

I'm not sleeping very well and have no patience for anything. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere.

I have asked for some counselling but does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope in the meantime?

You are struggling because of the build up of so much sadness and grief.
You are struggling because some of those who were there to support you in your first loss, have now gone themselves, and there are fewer people around you to talk to.

I lost my sister, Mum and then Dad within 15months of each other some 12+ yrs ago now. You have to acknowledge it is hard, and things won't ever be the same.

However, I can't begin to imagine losing my ds - I have no words I'm afraid, just a great big hug.

What a terrible few years you've had. I'm so sorry for your losses.

Is the reason it's all hit you so hard due to realising you've lost your support as well as your mum. Did you feel you could cope with those awful losses because you had your mum standing beside you?

I hope you'll consider bereavement counselling. You need someone with you to help you through this terrible time.

I can't do links but my son's story is on here, I was mumof2teenboys then. My mum and I had a difficult relationship, she wasn't very supportive when James died.

I don't know if that is part of the problem, too many unresolved issues. I never felt loved by mum, she favoured my sister. It's a fact of life and something I have lived with for as long as I can remember.

I nursed mum at the end, she only accepted that she was dying 4 or 5 days before she did die. We didn't have the conversation we should have had.

Dad died very suddenly, it was as unexpected as James' death but he was 82 and had a 'good death'

I feel as though I am grieving for dad all over again now. I am beginning to try and sort their house out, mum didn't want anything really touched after dad died so nearly all his things are still there. It's very sad and difficult to get my head round.

I do remember your son and your posts about him. He sounded like a lovely young man.

Do you have brothers or sisters or a good friend who can help you with your mum's house? It must be very hard for you to see your dad's things as well as your mum's.

I'm so sorry she wasn't a good mum to you and I'm glad that didn't stop you being a great mum to your children. You were really good to your mum, despite her behaviour to you. It sounds like your dad was a better parent and seeing his things now much be very difficult for you.

Eighty two is a great age and I'm glad he had a good death, but the shock of it can't be underestimated. Do you think you were kept so busy and were in such shock after losing James that you didn't come to terms with losing your dad?

I am so sorry for your losses. Something I have observed in friends' who have lost parents, is that when the relationship is good, then the grief is... I would never say easier but let's say purer - there's sadness and loss, but less regret and anger than when the relationship was difficult. The chance to heal the relationship is gone and you must grieve that as well as the grief for the person.

Regardless, you have been through an awful lot and it's no wonder it's hurting.

I think that after James I was so lost and grieved so much that when dad went it was almost a 'non event' I loved my dad dearly, he was an awesome man. He made me laugh and protected me from mum's lack of interest.

His death was quick, painless and the best way to go. He went to bed and never woke up. We are fortunate that he went the way he did.

I had to organise his funeral just as we had organised James. I dealt with all the practical aspects of death because mum was devastated. My sister was incapable of helping, she isn't much use in a crisis.

Mum's funeral, I did that as well. I registered her death and picked up the certificate. I arranged everything with the funeral home. My sister couldn't help, she isn't coping well.

I am lost, I have barely any immediate family left. Just my youngest son and my sister and her children. I have been estranged from them for over 10 years. That was her choice, I don't know why.

I have got through much worse than this, I don't understand why I am so upset.

So sorry to hear you're feeling like this op, unmnsy hugs.
It's absolutely normal for any loss to regenerate previous losses, of any size, so it's certainly not surprising that your mum's death is impacting so much on you now.
I also think that when you're busy sorting things out, propping others up and generally running on adrenaline, and automatically doing everything, it's normal (and very often quite devastating to the individual) to collapse in a heap once everything calms down.
Don't be hard on yourself, goodness knows you've had a really rough time. It's fine to feel as you do, and accept it'll take time for you to readjust to yet another huge life change.
x

Thanks again wise ones. I got so much love and support on here when James died. I knew you would have the answers.