My husband has commit suicide - what do I tell my 4 year old and 2 year old?

[RedWineSaviour]

Last night my husband (we were currently in the process of being separated) commit suicide.

I received a suicide note from him in the middle of the night via email and the police found his body and everything was dealt with before morning.

My dad helped take my children to their childminder today, and they currently have no knowledge of what's happened.

How the hell do I explain this to them? How do I child appropriately tell them their father has died? Also, should I tell them he commit suicide, given their age (my son is 4, daughter is 2.5) or tell him it was an accident?

Thanks in advance.

I'd say that that he was very, very ill, very suddenly, and then he died. So, so sorry this has happened, OP. Wishing you strength for the next few weeks.

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through, my friends dad hung himself in the exact same circimstances. Had recently split up with his mum, and he was in the garage and left a note not to go in there.

He was only three and his sister five. They weren't told until they were older. They just were told that he had died because he wasn't well and he couldn't stay here with them and had passed away. So it wasn't an untruth but just age appropriate.

So sorry again for your loss. I hope you have lots of support

Well the children are happily in bed. I suppose it will take time to really sink in that they won't be going to see their daddy again.

For anyone who knows the system - I couldn't cope with seeing his body last night when they came to take it away. But I really feel I want to before I go tomorrow. Is that possible, does anyone know?

Hi red I was just thinking about you. I would have thought they'd allow you to see him. It won't hurt to ask, especially if you feel that's the right thing to do. I'm glad the DC's are ok, and I hope you have plenty of RL support around you.

It will normally be possible to see his body at the funeral directors. From a purely practical point of view it might be better to choose something higher necked like a shirt to have him dressed it. It's easier to see your DH then rather than dwell on the method of his death and post mortem.

Hi,
I never post on here but wanted to offer my support. My husband took his own life by the same method in his shed last Wednesday. My son is three and his two nieces are three and six. We've told them he had an accident and died and isn't coming back but they're starting to ask questions. We saw a lady from If U Care Share today who support people affected by suicide. I'd already been in touch with Winston's Wish and she brought some of their books which have been really helpful.
Look after yourself, remember to eat and shower and accept the offers of help.
With regards to seeing him again, I've decided to go and see my husband one last time in the chapel of rest tomorrow morning as the last time I saw him was when I identified him and that image still haunts me. Apparently he looks peaceful and looks like he's sleeping now so I'd rather see him like that for the first time.
Hope you get some sleep tonight x

Canny, so very sorry to read you have been affected in the same way. What a dreadful shock.

Red, I would assume the coroner has his body, have they given you contact details? If not, your Council's website will probably have them.

I looked at the gov.uk guide to what to do after someone dies, the death has to be registered within 5 days. Do you have a death certificate? How long are you planning to go to Yorkshire for?

So sorry to hear this. Please do not blame yourself. Accept all support and look after yourself

Red and canny, my deepest sympathies. No words as I can't begin to imagine what you are going thru

As I'm a week ahead of you, I can tell you what we've done.
The funeral director took him on the night it happened, took him to a mortuary at hospital. I've stayed with the same funeral director who are sorting out the funeral. The day after it happened, I spoke to the bank to start the process of closing his bank accounts and transferring any money to me. They also placed a note on my account preventing any charges if I go overdrawn.
The coroner carried out a Post Mortem a few days later. It is going to inquest in April. Once the PM had been done, I was sent interim death certificates in case I need them for financial affairs. The coroner registered the death. I will get the full death certificate following the inquest then I will have to register the death properly (I think).
If you have wills or life insurance, find them today. Same goes for pensions. Funerals are expensive (this one is costing £3600) so make sure you have access to money, borrow from relatives if you can.
Make a list of people who need to be notified. Start with friends and family obviously but also anyone he had an account with or who may need to know. Give the list of friends and family to someone who has offered to help. I made a few calls myself and it was hard. Be prepared for lots of questions and people who aren't very tactful.
Try and keep the kids' in the same routine they're used to. My son went to school the morning after it happened. I told the teachers and they've been brilliant.
If I think of anything else, I'll add it. Hope you got some sleep last night. I didn't sleep at all the night it happened but I've slept fine since. Eating is still something I gave to force myself to do.
If you have any questions, please ask and I'll try and answer them.
Take care xxx

Meant to say, I know that sounds like a lot of information but I've found keeping busy has really helped me. Will you be able to sort things out in Yorkshire? I chose to stay at home as it was easier x

to all of you affected by suicide.

Canny I'm sorry for your loss too. I know it's not the same as it wasn't through suicide but Iv alwaays found when someone close to you passes away people usually go into overdrive and become super efficient at getting everything organised.

When my step mum passed away my dad organised things he'd been meaning to do for years, like got the spare bedroom decorated carpeted and furnished before the funeral for guests coming, got the dining room decorated, we went and sorted all her stuff out, dealt with all her accounts etc, just done loads. It was almost a coping mechanism by keeping ourselves busy.

Once the funeral had passed is when it hit home she was gone so be prepared for that. Thinking of you all

Please give our Helpline a call, one of our family practitioners will be able to offer you advice and support on the best way to talk through what has happened with your children, and perhaps also recommend further support if you need it.

Our national Helpline: 08452 030405 is open Monday-Friday 9am-5pm and also Wednesday evenings, 7-9.30pm.

With very best wishes.

How are you op? I've come across your thread as you so kindly supported mamatee.
Are you home yet? How are the children?

Also coffeeisnectar

I was so sorry to read this post and cannycrafty's too - my ex also hung himself in the garage of our marital home last March (we were still going court proceedings). My daughter was 5 at the time and I had no idea what to tell her at the time. (We explained that daddy was ill, (as he was mentally ill,) and had died as that seemed the best thing to say at the time(and I sought professional advice before telling her)-and I do worry when and how I will tell her the details in the future.)
Though we were divorced it fell to me to do the coroners bit, cremation, sort all his debts etc, so I know how that feels.
I just wanted to say that 10 months later things are different and life has settled. If you see this message and you are having tough times -hang in there, it does get better with time. Take care

So sorry O.P and everybody else on this thread.

My grandad killed himself and my dad found him as a teen and had to cut him down. As a result my dad now has many issues and our relationship was strained for a long time. I hated my dad but I think if I would have known sooner I could have been more understanding of why he acted the way he did. I know your situation won't be the same but sometimes not telling the truth can lead to resentment. So it is a positive step you have been truthful and I know it must have been terribly hard for you.

Look after yourself o.p xx

Hi OP. My husband committed suicide on Jan 13th. He threw himself in front of a tube train. We had also recently separated. We have three children, all under 7. Looking at the date of your post I am wondering how you are doing? It's a weird one for me as my husband confessed the morning he did it that he had been having a year long sexual affair with some 25 year old cretin at work. We worked there together and I am the MD, a job I loved. Whilst he was crying and saying it had just been that he enjoyed the attention and he wanted to rebuild our family, I was crushed. The cruelty of it felt incredible, especially as it had already emerged earlier in the week that he and this girl had been very flagrant about their romance at various parties in December whilst I was at home with the children (unbeknownst to me at the time). He had been lying about the extent of it for over a week (I'd kicked him out when I found out about the girl but he had denied it had been more than a few snogs. It was obvious he was lying and I had found his pleading and begging pathetic). The whole of 2015 had actually been dreadful; he'd been foul to me and had neglected our two eldest children. I spoke to him 5 minutes before he did it and he had been angry with me for suggesting he should resign (he had also been in a senior position). He had changed from begging and pleading for forgiveness in the morning to being very bolshy and unrepentant. I told him to push off and that his commitment to winning me back was clearly wafer thin. I hung up and then he did it. My career that I built up over 15 years is now in tatters and I have to get the children through it all. And now I have no right of reply or chance to see him face the consequences as he has simply opted out. So it's hard to grieve when all I want to do is kick his corpse in. Funeral is Friday and I am talking. There will be no gushing and wailing and I am going to reference his poor judgement and lack of courage but talk about happier times too.

dilys I know this is absolutely none of my business, but maybe it would be better not to talk at his funeral. You are under no obligation. In your shoes I am not sure I would even be going. He has left you up shit creek and I don't think I could be at all balanced. Given that his parents are likely to be there and presumably the dc, it might be better to say nothing at this point. He has opted out and nothing you say can affect him now, only the people who are left.
If it is at all possible, don't let his behaviour totally trash your career. You have done nothing wrong. I hope you can salvage it. Sorry if I am speaking out of turn

Not at all, don't worry. I have discussed it with the vicar (who is lovely and young and not at all weird about the suicide thing) and I think I'd like to. Not to trash him but if I don't acknowledge the suicide no one else will and I'm told the children's memories of what happened (eldest recently turned 7 and second one is 5 (youngest only 18 months) will be shaped by the funeral. I want to speak to thank everyone for their concern and also to pay tribute to the wonderful way the kids have handled it. His family would love to sweep it under the carpet and eulogise about what a wonderful father and man he was but those things are not true and I want the tone to be measured, truthful and positive without heroising (I will share some nice memories). I thought about not going but I don't want the kids to feel in years to come that I didn't behave well. Also I'm told it's important at age 7 to be allowed to go to the funeral and I want to support my son. But yes, I am agonising slightly over how to couch what I say.

Oh what a terrible situation to be in. I would be furious with him, too, not only for his final act but for the year preceding it. It sort of leaves you without a voice, doesn't it, because for anything you want to say someone will jump in with a tribute to him.

I think you're right to go and right to speak, but do be careful what you say. He has really hurt you and it would be really hard not to sound bitter. (Though I'd be feeling bitter.)

I hope everything goes as well as it possibly can for you dilys

Red, I am so sorry that you have to go through this too

Yes I think I will get lots of opinions from friends and on here before I go with it. I was in his email yesterday (had that awful 'searching for clues' thing I'm told is typical in suicide bereavement). It's clear from a number of emails that during the period after i'd thrown him out, when I was considering what to do (and was urging him to talk to me about why this happened rather than just saying he wanted everything back), his family were slating me quite badly (saying I was a 'bully' and suggesting that I might be trying to trap him into a bigger confession to get more out of him in a divorce. They even suggested not meeting with me to talk in case I had a 'recording device'). I couldn't believe it. I had been going through hell trying to understand why he did this and working out if I should forgive him. To know his family were so ready to believe the worst about me was awful, especially given his behaviour. It's clear they were fanning the flames although I haven't suggested this as it's no more their fault he died than mine and he was a grown man. I guess some families are blind to each other's faults and go on the attack but this makes all their frantic and quite smothering 'support' now he is dead feel uncomfortable (there are no offers of help, just constant requests to come round). I let them know I had seen all this and was hurt but will let it go with them now. His dad had not been a very involved grandparent so I doubt that will change now. And frankly, I don't want it to. I had never really warmed to them and their interest in the children had felt very superficial

Just want to say dilys, that I think you are doing amazingly well. I don't think I would give the ils access to your home - it is your personal space and I think you need that to be free of people whose opinion of you is negative.
Are you okay, financially?