My husband has commit suicide - what do I tell my 4 year old and 2 year old?

[RedWineSaviour]

Last night my husband (we were currently in the process of being separated) commit suicide.

I received a suicide note from him in the middle of the night via email and the police found his body and everything was dealt with before morning.

My dad helped take my children to their childminder today, and they currently have no knowledge of what's happened.

How the hell do I explain this to them? How do I child appropriately tell them their father has died? Also, should I tell them he commit suicide, given their age (my son is 4, daughter is 2.5) or tell him it was an accident?

Thanks in advance.

It seems a bit much to tell a four rear old that he hung himself. What about saying that he was very ill and wanted to die, so he did.... Sorry that maybe just opens up for more questions.
So hard for you. x

My head is a total mess. Yes saying that I don't have all the details yet is a good idea to avoid the questioning of how the death took place. I don't think I can bring myself to tell my little boy how it happened just yet, he is such a sensitive little soul :(

Yes, I think I would say that the police found him (true) and you don't have all the details yet.

I think that you do need to give a reason - he took his own life. Otherwise your 4 year old might think that people just randomly die.

I can see where everyone else is coming from but having done that myself and am now dealing with a highly anxious 7 year old I would never fudge things again.

Yes, MsGee I think you're right - I meant for my bit about the police finding him to come after the part where RedWine has to say he took his own life.

I imagine she might be doing it right now - so dreadful.

Red I've nothing to offer really in terms of advice except I think honestly but not brutally. Your little ones don't need to know the details. But more importantly to say I'm sorry and and that I'm thinking of you at this incredibly sad and difficult time. I know we're all strangers but please take strength and comfort from knowing that out there people are thinking of you.

RedWine I x-posted and didn't know Winston's Wish advised simple honesty, I see their point. I might not actually say it happened in the garage as I'd be worried about scaring the children. Its good that you have family with you

Thank you all for such kind words and advice. I have to pick the children up at 5:30pm. I will tell them when I am home.

My eyes ache from crying. I have tried to doze but keep seeing awful images when I close my eyes. Waves of grief randomly come - I can't believe he is gone. We were in the process of selling the house before parting ways and his stuff is all still here. Even though we were divorcing it was perfectly amicable and we were still friends. My best friend. Ironically the only person who could possibly make me feel any better right now. :(

The horrible images do fade I promise. The first few weeks are awful but it does get a bit easier.

One thing to be aware of is that for traumatic bereavement as you're experiencing its best to get counselling support sooner rather than later.

If you need advice on practical aspects of telling others or dealing with coroners let me know.

I am so so sorry you're going through this.

Maybe not for right now but I had the images when my dad died and found listening to a white noise app or podcast really helped and allowed me to get a bit of rest.

Of course you can't bring yourself to tell your little boy how his daddy died. He's only 4 years old. Just a baby really. At such a young age I think it's just best to say. Daddy's gone to heaven to live with the angels. And yes one day the truth will come out but your children will appreciate and understand why you decided not to tell them the full extent of what happened on account of their age.
Love and thoughts to you all x

I'm so sorry, Child Bereavment UK are amazing.

Poor you, how bloody awful.

Winston's wish came to mind for me too. Did you tell them about his mum too?

I would try to get support for the kids as suicides in families needs to be flagged. Sorry I don't want to give you more to worry about but maybe there's a history of depression in the family? (I was therapist a while back so I know a bit, but this isn't my area).

There was an article in the weekend papers about professor greens dads suicide. I think he is trying to raise awareness.

The children are young, they will need to know details at some point but I feel this is a bit young. But that's a mum speaking not a therapist.

My dad died when i was 6. I was told he was very ill and later he had died. It did me no harm. I realised when i was older why my mum had said this. She was being kind.
One of the things i remember about my mum was that she didnt cry. I was devastated but she didnt cry. I didnt understand this so yes, i agree, cry in front of your children.
I personally would spare them the details.

I'm so sorry.

Please don't blame yourself for saying no to a hug. That isn't the reason he did it.

I don't know if the coroner has to officially give a cause of death in suspected suicides? I know when my mother died I wasn't given an official verdict until after the Autopsy. Some weeks later. He didn't think she meant to kill herself, so we couldn't really tell people what happened until we found out.

So I guess what I'm saying is you wouldn't be lying to your children if you told them daddy was dead and the police were looking into it, if you wanted to buy more time to get your head around the inevitable 'why' questions?

I am so sorry for your family's loss Red.

I'm not sure if you saw the link to the Help is at Hand booklet upthread. It's written intended for families facing a death by suicide.

I don't think I can do any better than to share the words of Angela from the leaflet:

‘When he was five, my youngest son’s questions changed from “why did Daddy die?” to “how did Daddy die?”. As he played with his cars on the floor, I cried into the sink of dishes I was washing and I started to tell him the truth. When he turned 18, he thanked me for telling him the truth about his father’s suicide. He said he now realised how difficult it must have been, but if I hadn’t told him the truth he would have lost his relationship with both parents that night.’
Angela, whose partner died

I do understand why other posters are saying that it feels too young for your DC to know. But please take the advice from Winston's Wish and others with experience to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way - so no unnecessary details. But also, no ambiguous information, otherwise children can develop a whole range of fears that they could randomly die at any point (or others they love).

Wishing you strength to get through this.

RedWine, I am so sorry.

None of it is your fault.

Winstons Wish are very experienced, and it is important for children to have a Mummy who is in control of the facts as far as possible because that presents a form of security.

"Daddy was very sad, he had an illness that meant he couldn't help feeling sad, and the illness made him have thoughts that he wanted to die. So he took his own life. He put a rope round his neck so that he couldn't breathe.

The illness won't happen to them, and Mummy hasn't got the illness. The illness is called depression and he had it very badly. Daddy loved them very much he didn't want to leave them - but he couldn't help it because of the illness. It wasn't an illness that Mummy could have helped him get better"

Thinking of you all.

Sadly I have been close to two families bereaved via suicide.

In the first case, the young child left behind wasn't told until he was an adult. He had filled in the many gaps in the meantime with a story that made sense to him, and frankly was in some ways worse than what actually happened if that were possible. He was devastated to find out the truth and it hurt his relationships with other family members who had always known very badly.

In the second case the young child (a couple of years older than your boy) found his father which although beyond horrific meant that the truth couldn't be concealed and he had a lot of counselling. He actually coped much better than anyone expected and is now a father of his own who is naturally sad for the loss of his own dad, but has made peace with it long ago.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I felt very similar to tribpot and so, so angry as well as sad, but after many years I realise that they were ill in much the same way as a physical illness and sadly they just couldn't get better.

It seems counterintuitive, but telling the truth and answering any questions he might have may be the best for your ds1.

Thinking of you all x

Thank you all again, this thread is helping me.

I sat DS down and told him what had happened but he was so excited that my dad and step-mum were here that he just scarpered off to declare that "daddy has died" and then go painting :( It wasn't until we were eating dinner that he started to ask questions - like how did he die, where is he now, will he come back etc :(

I didn't go into gory details. I just said that Daddy was very poorly and very sad and took his own life. He did ask how he did it but I said I didn't know yet.

He seems quite accepting. The 2.5 year old hasn't mentioned anything and is just happily playing.

I am going with my dad and step mum to stay with them in Yorkshire tomorrow for a while. I will look into some counselling and support groups once there :(

I still cannot believe this is happening. I am so desperately sad. I wish I could speak to him one last time, give him that hug and tell him how much I still care.

Sounds like you have handled it brilliantly Red.

Best of luck in the coming days, weeks and months. Be gentle with yourself.

Your ds's reaction is normal and healthy. He'll work through things in his own way and time. Just keep on answering honestly and get help if you think more support for you all will help - whether now, in a few weeks or months and years from now.

It's so, so awful and raw for you now, but it will be good if over time you can still talk about their dad and who he was and happy times and good things he did - doesn't have to be you if it's too hard, maybe a member of his family or a friend. It can be very hard to talk about people who have killed themselves and I think that can mean that the children left behind miss out again on knowing their dad - there's more to a person than how their life ended.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you and the children.

My dad committed suicide when I was six. Unfortunately he killed my mum first so I had no mum to be there for me and at that time, back in the 70s, it was very much "sweep it under the carpet and change the subject when asked a question". As a result, I knew very little and have had to obtain death certificates as an adult to find out. So please remember, as hard as it is, you are doing the right thing.

You will find that he will ask questions as and when they occur to him. But they are so young and I hope they can come to terms with his death in time.

You must never blame yourself for this. Please don't. Suicide is a selfish act as it leaves those behind with guilt, questions and always thinking they could have done more. His pain is gone. But yours is just starting and its unfair to take on the guilt of thinking you could have stopped him. If someone is set on taking their life they will.

Get counselling, talk to others going through the same, tAke any practical help offered and just take one day at a time. Hug your dc and hold them close.

I'm so so sorry for what you are going through. My mum committed suicide 14 years ago. It turns your world upside down.
I've got no words at all to make any difference but I wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your family

So sorry for you all. Look after yourself. You will get through this awful time.