My husband

[Ludoole]

My husband who was my best friend and my soul mate died 3 days ago (Wednesday).
He had metastatic colorectal cancer. He was terminal right from diagnosis 16 and a half months ago.
He went from 16 and a half stone to 6 stone. I was with him as he took his last breath. My heart is shattered but i pretend hes at work to stop myself from breaking down.
Im so afraid to let my emotions out. I need to keep them in until all the practical things have been done. All i want to do is hold him again and smell his skin and look into his gorgeous green eyes. I know i wont do any of those things again.

I am so sorry, I have been in your position and there are no easy answers- you have to work through it. Take any support that is going, I hope that you have friends and family nearby. Don't think to the future- live day by day and just concentrate on getting through it. Find people that will let you talk.

I send you my very best wishes.
I found that the most help was finding other widows who were living through it, they knew what it was like and we helped each other.
Early days yet though- just concentrate on what has to be done.

I am so sorry. I saw your thread a little while ago and felt for you. Talking is good, spending time with people who can let you be you.

I'm so, so sorry. This is a complete shitter, you poor woman xxxxxx

There nothing I can say to help, other than wishing you the love & strength to get through this.

Would it help you to tell us about him?

Thank you all. Im trying to take things minute by minute at the moment. I cant put his things away. I even like seeing his medication and colostomy supplies. They keep the pretence that he will be home soon.
We live in the house that he has lived in all his life so its nice to have that connection to him.
Im sorry if i ramble, i get 'verbal diarrhoea' when im talking and probably write the same. My head is just jumbled right now.
He made me some cds over the last few months. Just him talking about his memories of us and i want to listen to them but i dont know if im quite ready to hear his voice again even though im desperate to

Keep talking. The house is a great connection, and the cds a really lovely idea.

You don't need to think about putting his things away, just take all the time you need and be gentle with yourself.

Oh Loodle

My heart goes out to you. I have been where you are now and understand just how you will be feeling at this time.

There is a website started by Katy Boydell in 2002 www.merrywidow.me.uk (I do hope I am not breaking MN guidelines by sharing that) which was my lifeline for the first year. There I could share my thoughts, be listened to, get practical help and rant, all with people going through the same experience.

I am sure you will receive a great deal of support on MN but the other site is well worth a look !!

Sorry, that should say Ludoole

Whoopsie Thanks for the link i will take a look. I hate the term widow but i suppose i find it more palatable than having to declare myself single on official forms. Im NOT single, i am married and will be married forever so therefore i suppose widow at least acknowledges that! Thank you for the link

Been following your story and send heartfelt condolences.

I'm glad you are in that house. Don't let anyone rush you to clear things up, including the supplies from his illness. You have the right to grieve on your own timetable.

What age was he if you don't mind the question?

My mom died of the same thing. A rough, evil disease. He was lucky to have you by his side.

LeaLeander He had just turned 55 in October. Im 39.

It certainly is an evil illness. He had been on morphine for his pain for months but that last day he was painfree and didnt need pain relief. I'm so grateful for that.
So sorry to hear about your mum
My mum was stage 3 5 years ago but thank god shes still here.

Wow, you both are younger than I realized. No wonder you feel that many happy years have been stolen away. So sorry to hear that. Thank you for your thoughts re my mother.

I hope you can get some rest soon. When is funeral etc?

I'm so sorry Ludoole. I think I remember your post from the life limiting illnesses topic when I posted about my mums cancer diagnosis.

Please be gentle with yourself.
He was loved to the very end and he knew it. And so were you.

Ludoole I'm so sorry, take care and be kind to yourself, please don't worry about expressing how you feel x

You will find that it all goes around and around in your head and you can't concentrate to read a book or watch a TV programme. I walked a lot, I found it helped.
Later on I emptied my head onto a piece of paper. I just wrote all my thoughts, in no particular order and with no thoughts of writing in good English, I just wrote it all down. It took about 3 nights. I then read it back and then shredded it. It just helped me to clarify things and oddly enough it helped.

So sorry Ludoole, take care of yourself xx

Ludoole I always comment on your threads, I am so so sorry my heart goes out to you and your boys. I can't imagine what you are going through. My thoughts are with you, do whatever feels right now.

If you want to talk about your dh and tell us what sort of man, husband and dad he was please do I'm sure we would all gladly listen.

I am so so sorry for your loss. Please ramble away as much as you need and be kind to yourself. I hope you and your family have all the love and support that you need. xx

Sorry but .i meant to say that I am in the same position as you so if I can help in any way please let me know xx