Any advice/help for my couson who is devastated after lossing her twin boys....

[ScoobyDooTheyKnowItsChristmas]

I started a thread a few days ago because my couson has just lost her twin boys at 18.5 weeks pregnant, she went into labour & they tried to stop it but the boys were born & died.

I can not describe the devastation she is feeling, i have not heard from her yet but just spoken to my aunty who says she has lost it...

She went out in the pouring down rain with no coat on & said she had to go & be with her boys because she is such a terrible mother for leaving them

She has blamed her partner for all of this, i think she is just angry,hurting & in need of someone to blame.

They are trying to get her help but it is taking to long & she is in a very bad way, what can we do?

I am so so upset for her & really want to help her, she is only 22 but had IVF for these babies & was overjoyed with the news because she has been trying for a long time

Any help/advice much appriciated. x

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im so sorry to hear about your cousin and especially that she was trying for a long time too

Just go round adn tell her that youre there for her when she is ready to needs you - which she probably will one day or there and then

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how very sad. I have no real words of advice, only sympathy
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I would pop round & see her but she lives 2 hrs away, i have her address so am going to send a card with my mobile number & let her contact me when & if needed.

She keeps saying no one understands & they never will

How sad . It is still very early days. Would SANDS be of any use in her circumstances ? Not sure where the disitncion between miscarriage and stillbirth is drawn ,or if it is. Does she have a midwife or anyone officially visiting who could refer her, and her DP, for counselling.

Such an awful experience. People won't understand if they haven't been in the same situation. Unfortunately many have- I think its really important to contact someone like SANDS so that she can talk to others who have been through it. It can make the world of difference.

Perhaps have a google online- there may be online support forums that you could pass onto her. The 24 hour nature of them and the anonyminity can be helpful.

SANDS a good idea...

at the moment , she must be truly devastated and i cannot comprehend how terrible it must be after such a longed for pregnancy....she is grieving, angry and full of confusion and conflicting emotion....

i wonder if someone in the family can get in touch with the local HV or hospital...a lot of them have support groups for women who have lost their babies...for when she feels she can face it....

if you let her know you are there for her, she can talk when she feels ready.

hope the GP is keeping an eye on her too.....she must be so absolutely devastated.......

i think she has to be given time and space to work through this, but knowing the support is there if she needs and be prepared to be lashed out at, for her to be angry , as you say she is looking to blame someone........

her partner must be grieving too and he will need support especially if he feels he is losing his girlfreind too.....he too has lost 2 longed for babies

a very very sad situation,

maybe homestart.surestart have people who can help?

so sorry.

babyloss I've linked ot the forum but there looks to be lots of good resources on there.

Hi ScoobyDooTheyKnowItsChristmas - I can totally sympathise with your cousins loss, as I have just lost my son at 24 weeks, after having fertility issues as well. She will feel angry, confused, tearful, forgetful, over whelmed, hurt, extreme sadness and much more... her future/children have been taken from her, she has been put into complete shock/trauma and grief..It is the worse possible hurt anyone can feel. I have a bereavement midwife from the hospital and if she feels that the grief has had a detrimental effect on my mental health she can then arrange a CPN nurse to come and see me. (They help with anxiety/depression/relaxation/therapy). I am not a medical expert, so cant say what your cousin needs in terms of support..but the hospital should be able to provide the best support needed for her. The bereavement midwife helps with creating memories, discussing your grief, moving forward, arranging consultants appointments.. Does your cousin have any of this support/if not - can someone call her midwife and arrange some support(she should of had a midwife during her pregnancy)?
I have had a consultants appointment booked for me to discuss things like - what happened, do I have a condition, what if I have future fertility issues, can I have more children? (As you have to deal with not only grief but lots of un-answered questions about future children)
The midwives have all directed me to sands - as they have said they provide excellent support. They have a telephone help line and a forum. You can also live chat on the forum, and speak to other people that are experiencing the same thing. They often do things for the babies- for example there is a church service in my local area... and there will be one in your cousins area for Xmas.
We all deal with things in different ways and it sounds like your cousin is really hurting, but stay in contact and let her know that you are there for her.. some of my friends did things like - buy my child a star or got a rose called after him - that was nice as it means his spirit lives on and also recognised that he was very special.
If things get really bad then someone should call her GP - my DH called the GP for me on one occasion and she gave me some medication to calm me down and relax. Short term fix, but helps to get through sticky patches, whilst other support is being arranged.
Also there is this forum - which has been of so much comfort to me, as I used it through my pregnancy and then after - its a good site for asking questions - when you cousin is ready.

I really hope that time is a healer - that is what people keep telling me - I'm not sure on that one, I think you just come to terms more with your loss and adapt your life to deal with it.

Wishing her much love and comfort... Rah x

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I don't know all the details yet as it is still only early days, i have not spoken to her or even heard from her i think she is to devasted to speak to anyone, when it was happening all she wanted was her mum.

Her Dp is older than her he is 33 i think, he has 2 other children by his ex wife, i believe she has no fertility problems as such be had a vasectomy when he was with his ex, then split & met my cousin, he had is reversed by they still had no luck after the last 3 years so they decided to pay for IVF this is when she fell pg & was over the moon, then she found out it was twins, she is also a twin herself she could not believe her luck 2 babies at once she was so so excited

Then she went into labour & they tried to stop this but unfortunatly could not, they tried to save one twin but both were born & died, she found out they were boys & named them George & Alfie bless her heart.

As far as i know she dressed them & put them in a moses basket & into a coffin (i think this is what my aunt said) she themn lost it the other night & went out in the pouring rain & hayle stones in a t-shirt saying she was a terrible mother & should be with her babies apparently she was walking to the hospital to find them & would not listen to anyone until my other aunt phoned her on her mobile & tried to calm her down.

It is just so sad that this has happened i am devasted for her

I will write in my card about sands & put the number as she may find it easier.

I am not sure about MW/HV all i know is she said she did not want to go to the doctors because all they want to do is give her pills to send her to sleep & she does not want that.

Life is so cruel sometimes.

I am so sorry for your loss Rah, my heart goes out to you too xx

I am so sorry to hear about your cousins loss. I had a miscarriage almost 2 years ago now at 17 weeks. It really was the most dreadful thing that had happened in my life. The hospital gave me fantastic support. But with out doubt my main source of support came from mumsnet. There so many of us on here who have had the same or similar type of experience. I didnt feel i wanted to see or speak to a counsellor so to speak but on mumsnet there was always someone who could respond and provide support, often within minutes of my posts. If she has internet access link her to this website and as I am sure you know she WILL find support and advice to help her through this heartbreaking time.

It is a horrible time when you have left your child at the hospital. It was very traumatic to leave the hospital whilst leaving him there and you feel you want to be with them and you are a bad parent for leaving them. So I can totally relate to her losing it. It was much better after we had his funeral and he was out of the hospital. Has your cousin made decisions on where George & Alfie will go to RIP?

Yes she has organised the funeral it is on the 19th so maybe she will feel better that they are in a nice place & she can visit them when she wants to?

That is good to know, as it has been a real blessing that we had a funeral and a plot for Bertie at our local church.

Although the funeral will be difficult, it helps to be kept busy with the arrangements. We had a poem read out and one at the burial. We also had a couple of songs played at the church outside of hymns. I had 'in the arms of an angel' and my husband had some planet earth music (not sure of the name - but it is being played all the time on TV at the moment). Both pieces of music are beautiful.

This may be something you could help her with - my friend and sister really helped me, it was really comforting finding poems and music that expressed how I was feeling.

We had flowers only from grandparents and us. (they all matched - we had an angel, a teddy and a heart and they all had blue corsages on). We then got blue corsages made for everyone that was attending the funeral to match Berties flowers. We also got cards made with an angel on the front and inside his picture and a poem. It was all really nice (and tasteful). Everyone else then donated money in Berties name to Tommy's.

We had a service in the church for family and friends and then a private burial with just me, my husband and the vicar.

We have been over to the grave 2 times this weekend... it is difficult due to the weather (as its not nice knowing he is in the dark and cold weather so much - so not a good time of year, plus it was pee'ing it down today).. but we have put windmills on his grave and got a small Xmas tree - with some xmas things... It is so much nicer knowing he is RIP than at the hospital...although it is still hard going to the grave it is much better...

Just some ideas anyway for things you could help her with - everyone is different but if you would like some poems or sites for poems give me a shout and I can post them.

All the best Rah X

am in tears reading this... scooby my own much less traumatic experiences have taught me that your cousin will need a HUGE listening ear and very little advice about what to do next. listen listen listen and talk about her sons george and alfie. and if she spends every waking minute on the sands website once she finds it (or on mn) then no disapproval, it's her lifeline.

and rahrah, your strength and kindness under your own heartbreaking circumstances is inspirational. your bertie was very lucky to have got you as his loving mum, even though you got to spend such a short time together.

When I had a misscarriage at 20 weeks snads where of no help, they just snet some leaflets through the post. My GP refered me to a councelor, maybe that would help your cousin.

Thank you whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney - that is such a nice thing to say - Thank you.

You are so right, it is great to have people to speak to and talk about your child too, a very important point.

ScoobyDoo, I also lost my twin girls at 17 weeks two and a half years ago. I can't say I know how she feels, because everyone feels differently, but I can still remember the awful pain of losing them and the five months after when I felt there was a huge black cloud hanging over me. The pain does ease in time, but it does take a lot of time. If your cousin can talk to someone it might help; also I found writing an account of it all helped me.

There is an organiseation called TAMBA (Twins and Multiple Birth Association) which has a bereavement support group who also may be able to help.

Otherwise she's more than welcome to talk to me. My thoughts and prayers are with her and her DP.

ScoobyDoo, I've just found the TAMBA-BSG website here . There's a freephone number 0800 138 0509 open everyday between 10am - 1pm and 7pm - 10pm. hth