How can dd help her friend cope with her grief?

[emsiewill]

dd1's best friend (I'll call her A) lost her mum to cancer in the summer (A was 9 at the time, the mum was 34 ). At the time the whole school was shaken by it - for a lot of the children it was the first time they had come that close to death, and I think a lot of them realised for the first time that someone they love could die. A also has a little brother (aged 6)

dd's teacher told us at the time that she had been really impressed with the way A's friends had rallied round her. I have made a point of trying to make sure A is included in parties and sleepovers etc, but don't see her that often (most of the children at school catch buses to / from school, so no 'school gate' culture).

Today dd had 2 other friends round for tea, and they were talking about A and how she seems really upset all the time. She feels that her dad and her gran are picking on her, and giving her brother all the attention. She says she gets in trouble all the time when she hasn't done anything wrong. Now obviously this is third hand, and from the mouth of a 10 year old, but dd and her friends think that A needs some help to deal with things.

Of course A says that she doesn't want them to tell anyone how she feels, they have offered for her to talk to me, or another parent, and have tried to tell her to talk to her dad but she doesn't want to.

I have asked them whether there is a teacher at school they can talk to - which they say there is, but they are reluctant to "go behind A's back". I have explained that in this case it would be justified to get her the help she needs. They say they will try and talk to the teacher (not their current one, the one from last year who was their teacher at the time the mum died) tomorrow.

Can anyone else think how they / I can help A? I am presuming that there are such things as child bereavement counsellors, and that the school will be able to access them?

I don't really know the family - in fact I have only spoken to the dad once - all contact I had was through the mum, who was never the "chatty" type, so I never got close to her.

I am really proud of dd and her friends for how they are dealing with this, and want to be able to advise them well.

Hi emsiewell,

Hopefully the following will go some way to helping you all.

Winstons Wish is a very good charity that could help both this young lady and her family as well.

Their website details are as follows:-
www.winstonswish.org.uk

There is also a helpline number you can call - its 0845 02 03 04 05. They could advise you.

The child bereavement network is another such group you could contact (think their web address is www.childbereavementnetwork.org.uk).

Put an extra two in by mistake (my apologies)
Winston's Wish Helpline

08452 03 04 05 (Monday - Friday 9am to 5pm)

There is also a section on their web page for and regarding schools/professionals. Her school head and in particular her teachers should read this website as well.

Thanks for that Attila, I will have a look at the website with dd.

They haven't managed to speak to the teacher yet - it's difficult for them to do it without A noticing, as they are always all together.

Well I am very impressed with the Winston's wish website, but have to say I am not overly impressed with the reaction dd and her friends got when they managed to speak to the teacher today.

She apparently said that they should tell her if they think A is "getting worse" and she would speak to her then. To my mind, the fact that they are speaking to the teacher about it, which took quite a lot of guts for them (to "go behind A's back"), indicates that they think something needs to be done.

I am not sure whether I should intervene - if I was at the school every day, and could have a quick word with the teacher, I would, but there is no access to teachers without making an appointment, and I don't want to make as big a thing about it as that.

I suppose I will just have to keep asking dd and her friends, and see how it goes...

I would second the use of Winston's Wish. Many years ago, the parent of a child in my class was serious ill and not expected to survive. Winston's Wish were fabulously supportive to the family, and also the school. They came and talked to the teachers and the child's class (with the child's permission). Happily, 10 years later, the parent is still alive, although still ill, but the family still contact Winston's wish from time to time for support.

I'm disappointed in the reaction from the teacher - could you get A's permission to write to the teacher? A sounds like a very sad little girl who feels isolated within her own family. I think it is something you should persue. Could you invite her to tea at your house to give her the opportunity to talk?

There is also an organisation called Brambles Trust, but I'm not sure whether it's just a local thing around here.

Thanks ldf, I am disappointed in the teacher too. A has been over here a number of times, both before and since her mum's death. However, often she hasn't been allowed to come over for one reason or another (never properly explained). As I said in my OP, her mum didn't seem to be the sort of person who found it easy to chat / make friends, so I have not had much contact with the family.

I will keep encouraging dd and her friends to talk to her, but if they think more needs to be done, then I will contact the school. I have the usual English fear of "sticking my nose in"...but won't let that stop me.

I am also disappointed to say the least with the reaction of the teacher as well. (Is this teacher btw their current one or the one from last year?).

It seems that school do not have a clue frankly about what to do for the best and are acting all English about it (presumably this school do not know that Winstons Wish exists). In this regard I would certainly pursue this with school. Unresolved grief brings with it its own set of problems.