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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

What to do about funeral? Please help.

23 replies

timmette · 05/12/2006 18:06

Really not sure if this is the best place to post this. My husbands aunt died and her funeral is on Fri. Is it appropriate to take our baby, he is 8 months and quite noisy. I'm not sure what to do, I am not trying to hide him from funerals etc, but am worried about him disrupting the service for others.I could really do with some honest advice.
Thanks

OP posts:

CorrieDale · 05/12/2006 18:08

Sit right at the back and then you can discreetly sidle out if necessary. Often, churches will have a room to one side that families with young children can sit in.

ParanoidSurreyHousewife · 05/12/2006 18:10

I would try and leave him with someone else, but if that is not possible then either dh should go alone, or go but be prepared to go outside if he is noisy. But that is presuming that your ds was the apple of dh's aunt's eye or something (I'm assuming that they probably only met a handful of times).

At 8 months ds1 won't realise he is at a funeral, so you won't be hiding anything.

2shoes · 05/12/2006 18:10

can you take a little snack or drink for him. the service won't last long.
I feel for you I am going to my aunties funeral on friday/

foxtrottothefestivegrotto · 05/12/2006 18:10

I'd take him - IME people like to see babies at a time of grief - new life, life goes on etc. But be prepared with toys, bottles etc to quietly distract him, or to take him outside.

IWhoooooshYouamerryXmas · 05/12/2006 18:12

I personally wouldn't take him-not to shield him from funerals as he really won't have a clue.Having said that it isn't nice for an 8mt old to be surrounded by sad or even crying faces.It also may be stressful for you trying to keep him quiet.
Some of the older ones might feel it a little "disrespectful" to have gurgling,happy noises at a funeral.

I personally would love loads of kids at my funeral and they can all draw on my cardboard coffin but that's a whole new thread.

WHEELYbahhumBUG · 05/12/2006 18:14

can you ask whoever is organising the funeral how they feel about it ? MY FIL died 3 years ago and friends of ours came with their then 6 month old (our goddaughter) and it worked fine and it was really nice to have her there. But I think its very much a personal thing.

Twiglett · 05/12/2006 18:19

I would take him and sit right at the back and leave if he makes too much noise

I really think a baby at a funeral can sometimes provide a very much needed focal point to distract from grief .. even if only for a moment ... but possibly not during the religious service (maybe you could ask someone to come with you and walk him round the block / sit in a cafe with him whilst the service is on)

indigNativity · 05/12/2006 18:22

I'm with Twig - took ds to great uncle's funeral as a 4m old and was thanked by the funeral director for reminding people about the circle of life.

We did sit at the back and dh took ds out if he started making any noise. It really isn't appropriate for a young child to disturb the other mourners IMHO

DumbledoresGirl · 05/12/2006 18:24

When my grandmother died, my children were 22 months and 4 months respectively. I took them to the funeral. I can't remember what noise they made (if any) but because she was my beloved grandmother, it never occurred to me to do otherwise.

I think, in a way, small children at a funeral is a lovely thing really, especially if they are relatives of the deceased, because it shows the mourners that, although one life has ended, other lives are just beginning. That is the cycle of life.

DumbledoresGirl · 05/12/2006 18:25

Oops. I didn't read the other posts but I am pleased to see some people saying the same thing as me about the cycle of life.

Original poster

timmette · 05/12/2006 18:54

I am worried he is a very happy baby, never quiet always laughing, I don't think it would be appropriate for him to disturb the other mourners.
I have no one to baby sit him, would not be happy with just leaving him with someone I meet there. I am feeling pressurized into going and taking him, and I hate it, my mum died a couple of years ago, and this bringing up very painful memories.

OP posts:

DumbledoresGirl · 05/12/2006 18:58

Timmette - how old was dh's aunt? Maybe that is an important factor. My grandmother was 94 and, although there were inevitably tears and sadness, there was also a feeling that she had had a good life and in some ways the funeral celebrated her longevity. So,if my children laughed or played, it wasn't really an affront to others IYSWIM.

But if your dh's aunt died young, I can see that might make the event even sadder. I still think you should take your child and sit near the back so you can step outside if he becomes too noisy.

morningpaper · 05/12/2006 19:03

I don't think it would be appropriate for him to disturb the other mourners

I disagree - and agree with Twiglett, that a baby can be a lovely (and appropropriate) distraction at a funeral. I'm sure your aunt would MUCH rather have your laughing baby at her seeing-off than 10,000 miserable people. Sit at the back and if he makes a big fuss, just stand outside for a bit. People won't notice if you are "there" for the whole thing - they will just remember that you turned up and brought your lovely baby.

I hope that it goes okay. Sorry that you are finding it so hard.

Tommy · 05/12/2006 19:15

agree with Twig and morningpaper and DDG - I think you need to have babies at funerals

PortAndLemonaid · 05/12/2006 19:26

I agree with those who've said that they like babies at funerals -- they are a reminder that life goes on, the whole circle of life deal.

We took DS to DH's grandfather's funeral last year -- I made sure I sat near the back with him and when he got a bit antsy walked around at the back, then when he got very antsy just towards the end (literally the last couple of minutes) I took him outside.

cjmummy · 05/12/2006 19:28

I took my ds to my step-brother's funeral when he was about 4-5 months old as there was noone available to babysit and we had to drive a fair old way to make it ... we gave him a bottle to drink during the service which helped to keep him quiet for a few minutes .. until he decided to do a massive burp and then fill his nappy! It helped relieve some of the tension in the room I think and certainly would have made my brother laugh had he heard it! I think my ds' presence helped the family a great deal afterwards. We were prepared to make a quick exit if need be but services are so short nowadays so it wasn't a problem. I am sure whatever you decide will be fine.

christmas2NDTIMEmistletoeandwi · 06/12/2006 20:21

I took DD2 to my aunts funeral when she was 5 months old. She rather embarrasingly made the most of the church accoustics and gurgled and chattered loudly through the service.

At the afterwards bit all the other rellies were thrilled to see her (as many hadn't until that point) and she brightened proceedings up no end.

That was my family though. You know best how everyone will cope with a LO being there.

WanderingTroll · 06/12/2006 20:28

I would sit out the service and the cremation/burial, personally.

Babies are marvellous things to have at the get together afterwards though.

If it's too painful to be there due to bad memories, I'd use the baby as an excuse, to be honest. I've organised funerals and have understood when people can't be there - though you might want to be prepared to take a little flak as grief is a barrier to understanding others' action, ime.

Maybe slip in just after the start of the service, sit at the back and scoot out when you think the time is right?

Sorry to hear of your and husband's loss.

kateyp · 07/12/2006 08:27

Very difficult.
For my sister's funeral my son was only a week or so old (they had partially delayed things to wait for my discharge from hospital). My mil looked after him during the service and cremation but he came along to the do afterwards which (I think) provided a welcome distraction for a lot of people. Apart from when they asked how old he was and realised he was born 2 days before my sister died and that she never met him

But if you have no one to leave baby with then I would agree - sit near the back so you can sneak out if needs be and take milk to try and distract!

Kateyp
xx

DontlookatmeImshy · 07/12/2006 08:41

I would take him but and sit at the back and be prepared totake him out if necessary. I was worried about taking took our (then 7 month) ds to dh's grandmas funeral. We sat at the back in case I needed to take himout. Fortunately we didn't need to in the end, but at the meal afterwards everyone made loads of fuss ofhim and commented (as other posters have said below) on how it was nice to have a baby at the funeral, a new life etc etc.

I happened to mention we'd been worried about bringing him and was told with a big smile "Don't be so silly,people love to see babies at funerals"

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons · 07/12/2006 08:50

I would definitely always take a baby to a funeral, although possibly not a toddler/pre-schooler. When my DH's Grandad died we took DD who was just 1. We had no-one to leave her with for that length of time (about 6-7 hours) because my parents were on holiday and my sister was at a meeting in London. If it had fallen on her nursery day I would have sent her.

I arranged for my friend to have my DS who was 4 but thought DD as well was too much at that point. My nephew who was 8 months at the time was sent to nursery because it was one of his days. DD was absolutely fine during the service - I took her a snack and some books to look at. And then just stood and held her at the graveside. Then I remember her walking unsteadily through the churchyard holding a hand each of mine and DH's. And it was so nice for everyone afterwards.

I took main charge of her because it was DH's Grandad and would have expected him to do likewise for me. Do you think it would be possible to coincide a naptime with the service time and just take him in his pram/car seat?

champagne18 · 07/12/2006 12:55

I'm in a very similar situation to you timmette, my partner uncle died and his funeral is on Friday too! I was contemplating not taking ds to the funeral, my ds is only 3 months old and its all the way in Lincolnshire. But we have decided to take ds as we think it would be a good distraction after the ceremony.

We'll probably sit at the back as it will be a good escape route if ds plays up!

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons · 07/12/2006 14:20

TBH I baby is probably easier than a toddler in these circumstances.

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