My sister is turning my mother's funeral into a circus

[Bobby2013]

Hello, my mother passed away last week. She was 80, had a lifetime of mental health problems behind her, and she was deteriorating rapidly, so in some ways it's a relief because she was often in a lot of mental anguish, and the drugs they had her on had battered her body. She had always had a fractious relationship with my older sister and me, but I'd learned to keep remembering she was ill, and half the stuff she said and did was from that illness. However, my sister (whom I cut contact with years ago as she is abusive, and has her own mental health issues that she refuses to deal with) would antagonise her, and often I'd get calls from my mum or her care home saying they'd had another row. Now my sister is playing at the grieving daughter, going on FB and telling all her idiot old schoolfriends they can come to the funeral. None of these people knew, or if they did know, liked my mum. My sister is just loving the attention and sympathy she's getting. I'm so angry at her hypocrisy, I can't go into the list of stuff she did to my mum because there's so much, and then I would have to step in and clear up the mess. I just wanted to lay my mum to rest without drama, just let her be at peace. But my sister is turning the funeral into an event, not for my mum, but for her own attention seeking. Because my sister is so lost in her own mental delusions, there's no point even trying to reason with her. I'm just tired, and seriously thinking about not going to the funeral as I don't think I can cope with dealing with my sister. Has anyone else had a nightmare family situation to deal with, and how did you get through it?

I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this as well as losing your Mum .
I think that you need to go to the funeral for your own sake, but don't get involved in your sisters games. As long as you can say your goodbyes and get some closure then just try and ignore everything else. If your sister wants the attention then let her soak it up.
And do let the funeral director know how you feel - they are very used to dealing with family disagreements etc and will help you in countless little ways.
I'm assuming that there are sufficient funds for any arrangements your sister is making and that this isn't an issue, otherwise you may have to speak to her and ensure the funeral director is aware of who should be invoiced.

Thank you- that's another issue - we're still waiting to find out what money was left. However, my family think there's enough to cover everything. I didn't think of speaking with the funeral directors, I'll do that and see what they say.

Bobby i know exactly how you feel, its bloody hard isnt it? when you come from such a dysfunctional family, i too lost my mother last week and my sister has taken over the funeral, this is the sister that my mother fell out with, anyway i dont want to go into too much detail but im getting mad with hypocrisy.

My mother had her demons too and also spent most of her life in mental anguish, so the thing thats keeping me going at the moment is that my mum is free from all the pain and its true.

Keep your chin up like i am, i find it hard as i dont have much support, however talking on places like this helps a lot. im here if you ever need a chat xxxx

Whatever her issues and problems with your mother (sounds like they both made mistakes) it'd be kind to assume that her grief is real. She has lost her mother too and is handling it differently.

If you're organising the funeral then surely the main arrangements should be fine and some additional attendees won't matter too much? Assuming they behave reasonably on the day of course

If you choose to miss the funeral because of your sister inviting people you'd rather not attend or seeking sympathy from those people/openly it'd be unreasonable to blame your sister for that decision.

You sound angry with your sister because of her difficult behaviour, because she didn't handle your mother's behaviour in the way you did and "antagonised" and upset her. You chose to seek to support your mother. perhaps there is another side to the story.

The important thing to remember is that you did the right thing by your mum when she was there and needing you. Nothing that happens now will change that.

Sorry for your loss op

Sorry for your loss

With your sister, I'd be tempted to take a deep breath and let her get on with it. At the funeral she'll probably be dramatic, just let it wash over you. The funeral is just a ceremony. Once it's done choose your own place and moment to quietly say your goodbye and lay your mum to rest in your own mind. Take someone who understands if you can and do things your way. Don't let your sisters actions stop you having your moment.

Sorry for your loss. You sound amazing withstanding all this.

You wrote of your mother: I'd learned to keep remembering she was ill, and half the stuff she said and did was from that illness

Then what I read in the rest of your OP seemed to clearly say to me that the same is true, in a different way, of your sister.

She isn't your responsibility though, thankfully. So do your best to ignore her dramas. Most of the people she is telling to come won't, because for the most part normal people don't come to the funerals of people they didn't know.

Let the funeral directors cope with the logistics, say your goodbyes and focus on he parts of the funeral that are helpful for you, and try not to let your sister's antics affect you.

Thank you for all your support - I've calmed down, and I'm leaving her to it. I'm just focusing on getting the funeral sorted. To everyone who goes through this, all you can do is try to keep remembering that once it's over, you can grieve your own way. That's what i keep saying to myself!