Back at work - being ignored

[pinktransit]

I came back to work yesterday, 2 1/2 weeks after my partner died 6 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
I spent the 2 weeks after he died sorting out his cottage/clothes/belongings, along with his sons. This was time that had been booked as annual leave, as my partner and I had planned to be biking in Scotland. Then it was the funeral, I get 3 days compassionate leave so took that along with another 2 days annual leave.
I got back to work, I had a short meeting with my line manager and then started to catch up on 3 weeks worth of emails.
One person (another of the 3 of the management team I'm part of) has been lovely. Nobody else in a team of 14 has said a thing.
My managers bosses haven't said anything - I don't even know whether they know or not.
It just feels like I'm expected to come back and pretend that nothing has happened. Even down to the fact that I have an appraisal booked for tomorrow, with plans to discuss where I want to be in 6 and 12 months time. I don't even know where I want to be in an hour, let alone a month or a year - and to be honest, from a work point of view I don't actually care. We are an office with 3 smallish teams, working very closely together. I know the manager of one of the other teams hadn't been told, as she came up to me on my first morning back to ask how my partner was doing.

Am I being a bit precious here?
I don't want to sit at my desk and cry all day, but I think I would like some acknowledgement, and for my boss to realise that it's probably not the best time for an appraisal. I'm a bit sad that there wasn't even a sympathy card from my team.
Should I just be pretending that nothing happened?

Sorry, this is long and ranty, but today isn't a good day. :(

Perfect letter from you - very direct and I'm sure that it will have got him reflecting on his appalling handling of your loss. He subsequent email to you does seem to indicate that he has realised that he's been a ccomplete prat - although it would have been better if hed demonstrated a basic level of kindness and compassion a few days ago. Go slowly and gently on yourself in the days to come - again my sincere condolences. I lost my mum very suddenly to (undiagnosed until the last minute) pancreatic - it's a bastard.

That was a strong and brave email. The response was ok, they obviously acknowledge they're wrong but still utterly emotionally not there. Look after yourself.

But he still hasn't said he's sorry for your loss! What the fuck does it take?

Today was a bad day - I think it's actually beginning to sink in :(

I sent a further email in response to him, stating further what would have helped:

Dear dickhead boss,

The team may have spoken of their support, but obviously don't feel that they can say anything to me, even if we happen to be making a tea at the same time.
[other department manager] clearly missed the briefing and had no idea.

What might have helped further would have been perhaps a card, so I could see whether people had been told - there have been at least 3 people that I've had to tell personally, which is difficult and adds stress to what is already a difficult time. Or an email sent before my return date letting me know what has been said, and to whom so that I wasn't quite so much in the dark.

Kind regards

Pinktransit

Boss has assured me that they really do care [rolls eyes].

I'm going to take the next few days very slowly - I was sorting out some filing today, and found a couple of notes that Pete had written to me. He said he loved me, now and forever. I've totally fallen apart. Life's a bitch sometimes. I do really appreciate the replies I'm getting on this thread - and I'm so sorry for everyone else that knows how I feel. I wish things were different.

I think you've handled this with such grace pinktransit I don't know how you do it.

Pete sounds like a wonderful partner, full of love and happiness with you. You are a credit to his memory.

I'm thinking of you. I wish things were different for you too

The 'sinking in' bit is hard - it can just knock the feet from under you. Grieving is such a long, slow process so just go very easy on yourself - sadly there is nothing that anyone can say at this time that will make it better for you or speed up that process . I wonder if your dickhead boss hasn't gone through a major bereavement himself so just doesn't realise how traumatic it is - and has handled it terribly as a result? Either way, you've handled it brilliantly

Be kind to yourself OP. I don't think people at work mean to be unkind, but often people have no experience of close bereavement and really don't know how to handle it and the impact it has on the bereaved. That being said, your employers have clearly made a hash of communicating your circumstances and I don't blame you for feeling so hurt.

My father died of cancer many years ago and the big boss at work wrote me a very long, kind and touching letter. I actually only took 3 weeks off as I felt I needed to keep busy, but it was clear I could take as long as I wanted. I still have that letter today and think so well of its author even now. These small things mean so much.

It sounds quite normal that the grief is really hitting you now. You've got the funeral, the sorting, the return to work out of the way and now wham!, your loss seems worse than ever. Take time, take strength from those who loved Pete too and gradually pick up the threads of life again.

Thank you all.
I just want it not to have happened now.

I don't want to have to deal with how I feel, I want my life back. And I know that can't happen.
And the one person that would have made this better is the one person that I can't talk to any more.

I'm having one of those days where getting up and dressed is an achievement. I need to post a letter, and buy food. And cat food.
So, I must get moving. Time is doing strange things today, and I don't know how it got to be 2.30?
So, I'm up, dressed, teeth brushed. Hair brushed. At 3, I will cycle to the supermarket, post my letter and buy what I need.
Then I'll clear the coffee table, as it's covered in filing that I can't deal with today, which is making me feel bad.

You're very brave.

So sorry to hear what you're going through. And what a shame that your work really haven't given much support.

Do you have any people that you can catch up with - tea and a cry or a chat?
It must be so hard having to manage everything on your own.

Thinking of you.

Small steps, pinktransit. These are very early days. Treat yourself kindly (which means not trying to do filing). Getting up and out for some fresh air is the best thing you can do for yourself this afternoon, so well done on having a plan.

I'm very sorry for your loss. But in all honesty, I think your emails have just made things hugely akward and at some point when you are ready to return there - if ever - you do need to apologise.

Your coworkers aren't there to provide emotional support for you nor are they required to give you a card. Things were handled clumsily by your HR and your manager (although honestly it sounds like a miscommunication and I wonder if those who didn't know weren't present and your mansger wrongly relied on word of mouth). But that's not really your coworkers' fault. Lots of people say nothing until the other person raises the subject. It doesn't mean they don't care or their dicks.

Again, very sorry for your loss.

Sorry for typos / grammar errors

Apologise to whom, Horton? OP has only emailed her dickhead boss to describe how her return to work was mishandled by him. She hasn't emailed the team to ask why they didn't send her a card.

Very sorry for your loss, and hope a little more time off will help in some way.

I'm afraid I do agree with Horton . Maybe on reflection your emails were quite accusation laiden and they could make things awkward. I don't think anyone has been malicious, some people just don't know how to deal with bereavement, having never experienced it themselves.

Had I emailed the team generally, then yes, an apology would be in order.
However, I don't think that it's actually too much to expect that a manager ensures that a team and wider management is aware of a bereavement.
After the third 'how was your holiday' I was a little pissed off - I still think it's down to a manager to manage things like this.
I don't expect emotional support from my coworkers, but in a company that is normally very aware of things like this, I do expect management support.
There have been very sad situations for people in both of the other teams that I work with, and in those cases, their managers ensured that other people were aware of the situation so we knew not to put our feet in it. That's pretty much all I expected, and that's not what I got.

To be fair many other people would see it as a confidentiality breach to have the whole office told about their personal affairs. I personally would be horrified if I told my manager or HR about something personal (which I consider this to be) and the whole office were told, so I do kind of get where they are coming from. Perhaps they should have asked your.

A bereavement of this nature in such a small office is not generally hushed up - why would it be? Most offices rally round, send flowers and a letter of condolences and express sympathy when the person returns.

Given that this is not an AIBU and that the OP has just lost her beloved partner, could I gently suggest that this is not the time to go raking over what the OP shouldn't or should have done in your opinion? It's a bereavement thread - please be kind

Confidentiality breech?
It is a matter of public record.
OP I am disgusted at the lack of sensitivity and human compassion.

I'm responding to what the OP said she emailed to her manager, where she accuses the wider company of being unsupportive repeatedly. She then goes on to detail specific colleagues - is it company policy they didn't approach her and speak with her about her bereavement, she also accuses them of not speaking to her because they specifically avoid raising - not responding to - a personal and sensitive issue?!

I don't want to be hash to OP and criticise details of something already done. That said, the email is extremely unprofessional and emotionally volatile and she's clearly not ready to return to work. And that's ok. Based on this single response, I don't agree the manager is a dick and I think the manager responded in a detached and professional manner but as supportive as could be, in the reply. He didn't pull the OP up on a lot of things he could have in that email. He is being understanding, and when she's ready, she should apologise for her emotional outburst to him about her colleagues. He will in turn say don't worry about it, it was clear you weren't ready to come back to work, etc.

Also OP, you say you had a hard time speaking to those who didn't know and letting them know about your loss. But you're angry at others for specifically not bringing up the subject. So you find it hard to talk about it but want others to bring it up... People are a bit like deer in headlights. They wait for your cues and if they see it's difficult for you to talk about the subject, they will avoid it even if they have to bump into walls as they keep their heads down. :-(

Hi OP.
To be honest in your circumstances I think you are perfectly entitled to feel unsupported and say something to your manager. You must be devastated. You certainly shouldn't think about apologizing.

It would be good if we all remembered that this isn't a random question on AIBU but a real person reaching out in a time of great need.

I'm sure it's no real comfort - but please know that a bunch of strangers are thinking of you and admiring you for doing your best to keep going everyday when you probably just want to stay hidden under the duvet and not deal with the world.

Hope your bike ride and some fresh air helped you to cope with the day.

I apologise to OP if my posts came across the way Vegas took them. I just don't want your manager to be dismissive of you in the future. We all hope the people we work next to and spend so much of our days with are lovely and supportive and decent -- and are rightly shocked when they aren't. I don't for one minute disagree with the OP on that. Add to that the tight-knit group feel of a small company, and it becomes downright appalling for most.

That said, emailing a manager that you feel emotionally unsupported by colleagues because they failed to bring up a sensitive personal family situation isn't professional or appropriate either. And again, that's ok because the OP is grieving and is not ready to get back to work as norm. But the supportive responses she's received also imply she is in the right and should be able to demand this support from coworkers. Sadly, no.

OP I think your emails were very well written and you had every right to send them.

I recently returned to work after my Dad's death. I had received a card signed by colleagues while I was away and I was relieved to get it as I could see who had been told. Otherwise I envisage I would have been in the same position as you with people asking me how my holiday was.

Despite this I have found returning to work incredibly hard. I work in a large, busy, open plan office and barely anyone spoke to me when I returned. Manager not interested and full of himself and his work problems. There was just one older colleague who asked how I was and was caring. He had lost his Dad recently so understood.

I am struggling with grief and feeling so alone. Why do people find it so hard to talk about death and not acknowledge a colleague's loss and offer sympathy, yet when there is a birth, congratulations are readily offered and questions asked. Both life events are equally significant yet death is ignored and swept under the carpet. An acknowledgement of someone's loss and kind words can make all the difference to someone struggling to get through their day in the fog of early grief.

OP it is early days for you. I hope you have support. I thought it was lovely that your daughter bought you a huge bunch of flowers to take to work. You are doing well to get through each day at the moment. Thinking of you.

Horton - please, enough. This is not the time.