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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Overwhelmed with feelings of regret and guilt that I didn't see Dad more.

12 replies

cinnamonwhirl · 29/09/2015 20:34

My lovely elderly Dad died 3 weeks ago. I'm still getting flashbacks of his last days when I did all I could to help him. He was declining for a few weeks and we had lots of opportunity to talk and be open and he said he was happy with me as a daughter and he knew I was busy with my full time job and 2 teenagers. However as soon as I knew he was dying I felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt that I didn't make more time for him. It was too late. He lived in a lovely home with great staff and was well looked after. He came for lunch every Sunday. I rang him every other evening and ran errands for him. I took him out sometimes (but not often enough) My family loved him and my husband had a great relationship with him. I should have popped in more to see him and I always thought I would but never got round to doing it regularly, only when I was helping him with something. I was always rushing around, sorting out teenage problems, seeing friends, keeping fit and of course f/t work but I should have made more time. Feeling gutted, stupid, guilty and there's nothing I can do as its too late. I just didn't think about him dying. Has anyone else felt like this? I've searched the Bereavement threads but no-one has mentioned this. Am I the only one?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 29/09/2015 20:41

I'm sorry for your loss, but please stop tormenting yourself like this. You had your father over, you tan errands, you helped him out you made time to help him and include him in family life and he will have enjoyed those moments.....

I Wasn't with my mum when she died and I regret not being there for my dad, but I had to let it go ( I stayed up all night and left just before she died, she never woke) it took me a long time to allow myself to realise I was there when she was awake and that is what mattered.

Princerocks · 29/09/2015 20:43

I didn't feel like this but if you were working ft and have 2 children I don't see where you would have got more time from. It sounds like you saw him lots and helped him lots. He was pleased with you and the life you had. That is worth so much.

TPel · 29/09/2015 20:47

You were a wonderful daughter. Don't feel guilt, though it is part of grief. Remember the lovely times you had with him and smile.

christinarossetti · 29/09/2015 20:53

Guilt and regret are part of grief. Let them work their way through you and these feelings won't be so intense in time.

Original poster

cinnamonwhirl · 29/09/2015 22:22

Thanks all. Ivy you are right- you were there when he was awake and that's what mattered. When Dad suddenly got ill and declined and I was told it was end of life it was such a shock as he'd been mobile before. He was bedridden for the last weeks. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I should have made more time for him before. I spent as much time as I could with him in his last weeks and have no regrets about that time. I hoped he would get better but it was not to be. The regrets I have are not acting sooner and prioritising him. My teenagers are nearly grown up. One is now at uni. I should have realised Dad was getting frailer. I just thought he would go on and sort of took him for granted. I know I've got to get through this. So guilt and regret are part of grief, but no-one has actually said to me that this is how they felt when their parent died. Thanks for your comments. All I can seem to do at the moment is feel bad because of the things I didn't do.

OP posts:

daisydalrymple · 29/09/2015 22:57

Lots of people don't even see their parents once a week. Are you able to turn that part around and be thankful that you made the effort to see him every week.

I'm sure that's how your dear dad would have looked upon it. He would have looked forward to seeing you every week, knowing how much you had on and still making time to see him regularly.

I'm sorry for your loss xx

OllyBJolly · 29/09/2015 23:09

Of course you could have done more. We all could. But there's a cost to that - less time to invest in our kids, our career, our friends, ourselves. Would your dad have wanted that? Probably not. As a parent of teens there would have been so many demands on your time and energy. It sounds as if you did a lot - I'm sure it was all appreciated very, very much. You did a great job.

Treasure the time you did have. Cherish these moments.

I am so sorry for your loss. You were obviously very close to your dad.

MrsMiniver · 30/09/2015 19:47

My lovely elderly dad died 6 weeks ago and I know how you feel. You sound like a lovely daughter and it seems to me you were doing really quite a lot for him and spending time with him, not just out of a sense of duty but because you really loved him. I'm sure he knew that you loved him and he said as much when he told you he was happy with you as a daughter.

Be kind to yourself and know that you were a good daughter. Allow yourself to feel sad but try to knock the guilt on the head. I hope his passing was peaceful and that you have your family around you now.

Original poster

cinnamonwhirl · 30/09/2015 23:01

Many thanks for your kind comments people, and I'm sorry for your loss MrsMiniver. Your kind and supportive words mean a lot to me while I'm feeling so raw. I haven't been able to say this to people in real life for fear of judgement and being made to feel worse. I've only expressed it (several times) to my husband who keeps trying to reassure me I did enough. I will now plod on with my grief but you have all helped me with this aspect of it.

OP posts:

Oly5 · 14/10/2015 11:41

I know many people who have felt like this - I think it is a natural response to be honest. The weight of the fact you're never going to see a parent again is overwhelming. Part of that is wishing you had lapped up even more time with them... Just to eek out them living.
You sound like a lovely daughter and you were really there at the end too. Many people don't get that chance and I'm sure your dad loved you being there.
Don't forget also that as parents we love it when our kids are having busy, productive happy lives. We don't want them to spend every second with us do we?
I'm sure your dad felt the same

BoboChic · 14/10/2015 11:44

You know what: be grateful that your father died when you could still enjoy his company rather than it being a relief that he died because he had become so ill/difficult that you could no longer enjoy him.

tilliebob · 15/10/2015 21:09

Nearly 2 mths after losing my dad, I think you beat yourself up and all things and everything. I am beating myself up about things, my brother about different things and my mum most of all. I remember the same after each of my grandparents went too. Regret seems to be part of the grief - in my family anyway - either as a distraction from the real issue or in a "if I'd done/seen/said" that maybe the outcome would have been different.

I could be totally wrong though, the more time that passes, the less things make sense, whereas I thought time passing would help.

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