Just need to get this out

[mumtogusnalbie]

hi, just read a thread about baby Bertie who was taken just 6 hours after his birth and it has bought back all sorts of sad feelings about my dd stillborn at just 17 weeks.
It is coming up to 4 years on 15 December and although most of the time I think about my baby and smile, tonight I can't stop crying.
The blood tests at 16 weeks showed my baby had spina bifida and so I decided to terminate as I already had a young baby and didn't feel able to cope with a disabled child.
I'm not sure whether this makes it better or worse to be honest. I still feel like a lost a daughter.
Sorry to waffle on but I think it does help to get it all out - I am not with my husband at the moment and this whole subject is not something we ever talk about - he is fighting his own demons with depression as a result of alcohol and drug abuse so not sure its a good idea to burden him with my thoughts about this.
I wish I could hold her and see her now.
People say time is a healer but I'm sure I am more upset this year than I have been in past years.

don't know what to say but can't ignore you - its soo so sad. let it out if you need to, its got to be better than holding it all in.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

hugs

thanks for the hugs - I need them!
I have actually stopped crying now and am feeling a bit better - think I will make a cup of tea soon, my answer to everything.
Its just so hard to talk to anyone about. I think my family all think I am fine and most the time I am. I have two gorgeous boys and I couldn't ask for more but I can't help feeling sad about my daughter.
I have a couple of really blurry pictures and her little pink tag from the hospital but that is all - the only other thing I have are memories.
Well - I am going to cheer up now - thanks for your response, it means the world to know that I can come on here and that people will listen.
Thanks again

anytime please feel free.

Hi, I am Berties's mum, It has defo helped to talk and I know that we are at different stages of grieve, but I know that life will never be the same. People keep saying to me to try again (we dont have any other children), but that will never replace or take away that Bertie is gone...not one child is the same or can replace the emptiness in your heart for the one that is missing. I suspect I will have good and bad days for the rest of my life. It probably is not helping that you are having other problems and you did have a daughter, but was a good parent by making sure she did not suffer. You are a parent from the day you conceive and you did you very best by her. I hope your tea was helpful and keep talking if it helps. Best Wishes XX

Hiya,
I lost my first son on the 17th Dec 4 years ago. How odd/comforting/strange to 'meet' someone who was feeling much the same as me at the same time.

I feel very strange about this anniversairy compared to previous ones. First off we have moved house so are a long way away from things and places we would have gone.

Second I am currently pg and at the same gestation as i was 4 years ago which I was ok with but as the day gets closer - i dunno - feelings change. Third we also have a 2 year old to consider in it all which makes long trips back to church/precious places very difficuly.

Sorry - am wittering on about me now. didn't mean to...

on rahrah's thread i have posted the address of a site i help run - you might find it helpful.

k x

rahrah1 - thanks for your message - I did not expect to receive a message of comfort from someone who is currently going through the pain at such an early stage. You are very brave and my thoughts really are with you.
My second son is called Albie and we call him Bertie Boy so your original post really struck a cord with me for more than one reason.
Kateyp - I am sorry that you too lost a baby at the same time that I did. At the time of losing my daughter, my first son was just 6 months old and I think this gave me great comfort - someone to mother when the pregnancy hormones kicked in after the birth! I then went on to have a further successful pregnancy and as I said before, have two gorgeous sons.
I think maybe as you said, the different circumstances this year have made things feel harder. This is my first year without my husband living at home - we are still trying to reconcile our relationship but he is still in the early stages of what is proving to be a long hard battle with his demons against depression and anxiety. We still see each other several times a week but the evenings can be really lonely.
I don't think I received enough information at the time of making my decision to terminate. At the time, I really wanted to keep things as distant as possible and as a result I didn't name my daughter and was not involved in her funeral arrangements. I did go to her funeral though but it all felt very surreal.
It is only now that I think it would be nice to have given her a name (I have one in my head that I use when I refer to her in my thoughts) and also to have had some kind of memorial.
I did think about sponsering a light on the Christmas tree in town but I think I've probably left it a bit late and this would also indicate to my family that I'm not "over it" as they all think.
Anyway - I'm waffling again now!
I do feel better tonight but then the boys are still up so I still have a distraction! (and what a distraction they are!!)