Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

feel like I'm being over-needy, but it keeps coming back ...

20 replies

fisil · 11/05/2004 10:51

... you lot were so supportive before. Please tell me that it is normal for the overwhelming sense of loss to keep on coming back.

I found out this morning that a colleague is expecting, and is due the same week as I was. I knew that today would be hard as another colleague was having her first scan, which all went well.

I have been crying most of the morning, but I also feel dreadful, because I should be (and am) very happy for them and I feel very selfish, and besides which lots of pregancies end in mc and we have a beautiful child anyway (which neither of them do) and they are both lovely people and thoroughly deserve to have a beautiful baby like I do. And the one I found out about today must have felt like this when I became pg with ds because she was trying for years (and I didn't know). But I still feel so sad and so angry, but so guilty at the same time for being so selfish, and cross that I haven't got over it yet.

So please tell me that you carried on grieving - it's what I want to hear right now (and if not can you lie now and tell me the truth later when I feel a bit stronger?)

OP posts:

suzywong · 11/05/2004 10:54

You poor love.
Yes it takes for ever, or at least until the next baby comes a long.
Everywhere you look there are people having babies on the date your one would have been due.
Just when you think you are on an even keel something comes along to knock you back to wallowing and grieving.
So get yourself a treat today, and come back on this board next ti meyou need a hand squeeze.
The pain will diminish just give it time
xxxxxx

Original poster

fisil · 11/05/2004 10:57

Thanks Suzy, that was what I needed to hear (although it has made me cry again)

OP posts:

suzywong · 11/05/2004 10:59

No worries
You have been doing so well but it's only natural to have set backs, are you thinking of having another one?

Original poster

fisil · 11/05/2004 11:08

Yes, we will have another one eventually, but the pregnancy was so awful that we just don't feel up to it at the moment. Maybe next year some time.

OP posts:

Azure · 11/05/2004 11:09

Fisil, I understand and sympathise completely - the grieving hasn't gone away for me either. It doesn't dominate my life, but it's always there in the background, and certain things can quickly bring tears to my eyes. It's not logical, but the emotions are real. I don't think it will ever be possible to forget, but I believe it will get better. I find it almost impossible to talk about it to anyone - I'm so glad that Mumsnet is here to provide support. I hope you feel that & take care today.

gingernut · 11/05/2004 11:16

Oh fisil, don't feel guilty, IME these feelings are normal and understandable. It took me ages to get over it, in fact like Suzy it wasn't till I got pg again that things seemed less bleak and in the meantime I cried a lot, especially when I found out about other people's pregnancies (never mind how long they'd been trying or what problems they'd had in the past). TBH I don't think you ever get over it. I'm pg again and am terrified. People think I'm mad because I've had a normal pg since my m/c but I can't forget, and it was 3.5 years ago! Don't be hard on yourself, you're not being selfish.

serenequeen · 11/05/2004 11:37

hi fisil, i had an early m/c last year and kept thinking i was "over it" until unexpectedly upset by things, e.g. seeing a pg woman, hearing about friends' news etc. all i can say is, it does pass. you know you will get a lot of support here. congratulate yourself for putting on a brave face for your friend - well done

JuA · 11/05/2004 12:09

It will take a long time - it is 17 months since my m/c and I am lucky to have a 5 month old daughter now, but I still think about the baby we lost. You will never forget but it will get easier but little things will bring it all flooding back. It is OK to still grieve. Take Care

Marina · 11/05/2004 12:16

Oh fisil, I'm so sorry.
It's normal to carry on grieving. When we lost Tom, some wise people who had been through similar experiences told us, "A year and a day". I thought at the time, yeah, right. But 18 months on, the pain of losing him has diminished...even though I still miss him and cry for him sometimes (he would almost certainly have taken his first steps about now if all had gone well).
Things did get better for us after the first anniversary of his death and the first anniversary of what should have been his due date.
You don't get over losing a baby, the experience and feelings become part of you and how you react to things.
I went on to have a wonderful little dd safe and sound but, like Gingernut, was terrified all the way through her pregnancy.
Serenequeen is so right - give yourself a huge pat on the back for being able to be happy for friends...but DO NOT do yourself down for also feeling envious, cross and sad.
Vent away on here, your feelings are understood.

bunny2 · 11/05/2004 15:11

Hi Fisil. I wanted to echo everyone else here, what you're feeling is so normal. 5 months after my second mc, a close friend told me she was pregnant and I burst into tears. She was absolutely fine about it and, through my tears, I did congratulate her but it was so hard. I finally started to feel ok when I got pregnant again. On my due date I was already pregnant again so it was an easier anniversary to pass than the due date of my first miscarriage when I wasnt pregnant. Keep grieving until you are ready to let go, you need to work through all the grief before you can get on with your life.Keep posting, we can all empathise with you. Hugs Bunnyxxxx

miffy2 · 11/05/2004 15:17

fisil,
I was only wondering about you yesterday, and how you were doing, as you were the first person to start the October thread.

Honey, what you are feeling is totally normal. I went through something similar, I had an early m/c in 2001. A friend later declared her due date to be the one I had had and it was like a blow.
I still remember my baby's due date and recognise it silently to myself. I still cry occasionally at the loss of what could have been (despite having two gorgeous kids and P.G. another on the way, you never forget a loss).

Yes the pain does pass but the memories take time to fade and you will grieve in whatever way helps you.
Thinking of you.
xxxxxx
miffy

Mirage · 11/05/2004 21:45

Hi Fisil,
I am sorry for your loss.

You are NOT selfish at all.It is only natural to feel upset by other peoples pregnancies,especially if they are at the same stage that you would have been.

When I was told that I'd never get pregnant naturally,every time a friend announced their pregnancy was like a stab in the heart to me.Yes,I was happy for them,but I resented their 'good luck'at the same time & then beat myself up & felt guilty because of it.Then when by some miracle,I did concieve,only to loose the baby as it was ectopic,I was even worse.I couldn't stand the sight of a pregnant woman or new baby.

19 months on,I am very fortunate to have a beautiful dd,but not a day goes by that I don't think of the baby I lost.He/she would have been one on 23rd May & I will light a candle on that day,just to remember,as I do on the anniversary of my loss.I still cry sometimes,when I think about what happened.

The other ladies are right,you never forget a lost baby & will often wonder about 'what might have been',but it does get less raw with time.

Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

fisil · 11/05/2004 22:31

thank you all so much - it is good to know that I am not alone. October seems such a long way away, and as you said, Marina, it doesn't seem possible now that the pain will diminish, but it will. Thank you again for your kind words xxxxx

OP posts:

melliek · 12/05/2004 12:42

Fisil, my first m/c was 61/2 years ago and still on the day in sept every year when I lost my baby I grieve, and as well I just lost my third one almost two weeks ago. To make matters worse I work with a girl who is young and not married and became pregnant unexpectadly. She complains all of the time and I think to myself that I would give my left eye to feel miserable with pregnancy and have a healthy baby grow inside of me.
So, my point is that anger, jelousy, sadness is all part of loosing your baby. Sometimes life isn't fair and we cannot become bitter. For whatever reason these m/c's happened and it's just being able to deal with it now and move on. Thats all that we can do, never forget but cope.

Original poster

fisil · 15/06/2004 21:54

Just been reading through all your kind thoughts again. I had a shitty day today - found out that someone who was expecting a baby the same time as I was has lost her baby, at 20+ weeks. I ended up having to come home from work because I was so upset. It hit me physically - I felt very heavy and it was hard to make sense of the words I could hear people saying and a really painful effort was required to say words back to them. I am finding the whole grieving and recovery process so bizarre and unpredictable. So thanks again for all the previous kind words - they are so encouraging.

OP posts:

lilycat · 15/06/2004 22:27

The grieving process is odd, I m/c in dec whilst at someones wedding and someone sent me a pic of my dd today from the wedding - its a lovely pic but I find it hard to look at as it just makes me think. Even though on a day to day basis I am fine, every now and then something tips me over and its like hitting a wall. Also a close friend is due two days before I would have been and I am dreading it. Lets hope time does its job so to speak!

bunny2 · 15/06/2004 22:53

fisil, you are doing really well, bottling up feelings is no good so keep talking. Bxx

eyelash · 16/06/2004 03:32

fisil

Sorry I didn't reply to your earlier message but we were just about to go away for a few weeks so I missed it.

Your grief for the baby you lost and the awful news you heard today is alot for anyone to deal with.

Have you been in touch with the Miscarriage Association? I found them really helpful. I also found marking the pregnancy by buying a memory plant extremely useful for both dh and I. I echo what others have said - we didn't really move on until we were pregnant again. Yes - it's worrying but you will find the strenght to try again one day. I will be thinking of you.

Original poster

fisil · 16/06/2004 09:42

I have heard of the Miscarriage Assoc, Eyelash. I went one of their training days last month, and I want to get involved in their work. But I was actually thinking yesterday afternoon, right now I really should be using them, rather than thinking about helping them! (BTW I put in a good word for all of you on the training day)

Still feeling very fragile today, but will go into work and be very very quiet!

OP posts:

Scaredstupid · 23/08/2004 10:22

Fisil: I first read your post about being upset following a mc on May 11, the "due date" of my Nov miscarriage. At the time I was pg and starting to worry that I would have another mc which I did... That is why your 'story' was a familiar one and why I suspected/hoped that it was you!

Flip