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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

baby's ashes scattered without my consent or knowledge

9 replies

sweetlucy · 04/09/2015 11:07

I gave birth to a sleeping angel at the end of 2010. Back then we were renting and not really settled. The pastoral care office said they would keep the ashes for as long as we needed.

We got busy with life, had a beautiful little girl, I lost my father, then my grandmother. I feel I've spent most of the last 5 years grieving.
We're now planning to move back home and I wanted to take my baby boy with me, but was told last night that the ashes had already been scattered.
I just hadn't find a place where to lay my little boys ashes but was safe in the knowledge that the ashes where being kept safely.
I'm in bit, the idea of leaving him behind for ever kills me. he's my son and I love him.
I've been crying since last night and can barely hold it together in front of my little princess.
The pain of losing him has never left me, and now I can't even lay him to rest.
I'm just so so sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetlucy · 04/09/2015 12:02

I can't stop crying. I feel so much guilt. First for his death, now for not picking up his ashes sooner.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 04/09/2015 12:06

I am so sorry for your loss

You have been through so much and it sounds like this is now the famous straw… how very hard for you.

He will always be your son, and you his mother, ashes or no ashes.

Would you consider planting a tree for him? Or naming a star (this is what one of my friends did for her lost baby)?

I wonder whether it might be helpful to speak to somebody about your bereavements, the hardest of which is of course your little boy.
Wishing you strength.

WeAllFloat · 04/09/2015 12:09

The ashes are not ashes anymore. They got blown into the wind, taken into the plants, water and earth. They are now part of the univers again. They are not tied to the constraints of our idea of passing time and are indeed on a journey through the millennia like you too will one day be on.

I bet by now, you have already felt a raindrop with a tiny part of your angel contained within. No single place can hold onto your baby now. He is everywhere.

Imnotaslimjim · 04/09/2015 12:16

What a terrible thing for you to have to endure, I'm so sorry to hear of your losses

weallfloat has said, so eloquently what I have struggled to put into words

The scattered ashes are only the physical being of your lost little one. His heart and soul will always be with you

CarmenMonoxide · 04/09/2015 12:25

Oh gosh, I am so sorry for your loss
I would never have been able to say what WeAllFloat has said in a million years, but my goodness she is so right.
You have no reason to feel guilty.

Original poster

sweetlucy · 04/09/2015 13:19

Thank you for your replies. Thank you for reminding me that my baby is with me and all around me alway.

weallfloat, thank you for your eloquent and beautiful words.

I've asked if we could organise a small ceremony on the grounds of the ceremony and if I could plant something.
I'm waiting to hear from them.

OP posts:

CluckingBelle · 27/09/2015 22:44

When you move, maybe you could create a garden for your baby, a little piece of your garden, just for him. You could put special things here, a shiny pebble, a windmill from the seaside, smooth pieces of glass washed up on the beach, which shine all colours of the rainbow when the light catches them, plant a tiny rose, a miniature watering can wind chime, whatever you choose for him. This helps me. I like to give her little gifts.

He will always be with you.

MudCity · 27/09/2015 22:58

No words of wisdom but I am so very sorry for your loss

Organisations such as SANDS and CRUSE may be able to offer you some support during this painful time. Please consider talking to them.

Your son is part of you and will always be with you. Bonds of love are never broken.

BeaufortBelle · 27/09/2015 23:00

Weallfloat, how beautifully put.

lucie my little boy was buried and has a grave. It has given me comfort. He would have been 19 this year. In more recent years it has made me feel I cannot move far from this place because it would mean leaving him. And yet I know his spirit is free.

Wherever you go, whatever you do your son's imprint remains in your heart and you and he are bound together wherever you go. I wish sometimes I felt free to roam with mine but I can't because we anchored him.

They should have told you first, of course they should, but it is done and he is there in every raindrop as weallfloat said, he is in your heart and five years in is still raw and you have had a shock.

With love x

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