I think I need some advice on how to support my loved ones

[Bumblesquat]

My DH lost his DM to bastard cancer nearly 18 months ago. I guess I have a three pronged problem:
DH was not close to his mum and blames everyone including her and his DS for that, perhaps a little unfairly because he often avoided trying to rebuild a relationship after years of neglecting it because he rigidly treats people as he perceives that they treat him and will never make the first move to reconcile or extend an olive branch. Since her death he has struggled to grieve, preferring to shut all his emotions away and stamp on them whenever they sneak through his guard. To my eyes this is making him very sad but perhaps more manageably so than unpacking all of it. There isn't a right way to grieve but it is hard to watch him struggle and not be able to help him because he cannot articulate any of it.

The second prong is his DS, who I have grown closer to since their DM's death. She is just beginning the journey of grief I suppose, after spending 18 months trying desperately to keep her head above water and keep ahead of it. She was profoundly close to her DM and has in some ways taken her loss the hardest. She has sought help from Maggie centre, who have basically shown her how to go on living. In a way she needs her brother, she needs her father (who is much like my DH, unable to process any of his grief for fear of being swallowed whole by it), but cannot get them to engage with her.

The third prong is my FIL, their father and the husband of DMIL. He is very very lonely and although he goes to the Maggie Centre and works hard to overcome much of how he feels, he has repeatedly taken his loss out on his children. He loses his temper with them, resulting in huge fights, he has lost the facility to listen to them or ask questions of their lives, resulting in a slow alienation, peppered with huge ballistic rows which leave them all shellshocked and disinclined to come together and carry their loss as a family. Both of his children feel he ought to be a parent rather than an angry burden for them both the bear, I don't know where I stand on that, only that my heart bleeds for all three of them.

I don't really know what I hope to come from this thread. I am looking at 3 people I love, knowing I can't do any of it for them, knowing there isn't a right or a wrong way to grieve, but feeling fundamentally that I ought to do something to help or ease them. I have lost people I am close to, but never a parent or a spouse, so I can only begin to imagine the magnitude of their loss. I don't want to meddle and I don't want to lumber them with my grief (which stems mostly from the changes in DH since his DM's terminal diagnosis)

Fuck it, what I need is a handhold, the loan of a grip and possibly a cup of tea.

That sounds unbearably sad for all, I'll make you a and hold your hand.

Do you think any of them would be open to bereavement counselling ? Or even family therapy?

Thank you Martha. SIL and FIL are both regular attenders at the local Maggie centre, which is providing them both with a range of therapy options I believe. Whilst struggling to cope with my first new born and a husband who was in total denial about his mother's condition, I asked him to go, so that I knew there was some one else keeping an eye on him other than me, and he went sporadically, but didn't engage much with it, and didn't really get much out of it. I think SIL would like them all to go as a family to talk about MIL and work on their worsening relationships with each other, but I don't think DH or FIL are keen, or even cognisant of the potential benefits. They both prefer to do their grieving alone if at all - not that I'm suggesting that thta's wrong, it's just very hard to sit and watch.

Having reread my OP, DS should read DSis throughout, my brain is sometimes too literal to be helpful...

Just bumping this a little in case anyone else has any thoughts.

More hand holding from me! In terms of practical advice - I don't have any really. My first thought on reading your post is that you can't 'fix' the situation - not sure if that's what you're wanting to do - as that just doesn't sound practical/possible. Is it ever? What you can do is let them know that you're there to talk if they need it, and periodically remind them of it. That might not sound like much, but trust me, it is. My experience of bereavement is that after 2 weeks everyone seems to forget what's happened. I really appreciate the friends who check in with me, 18 months after my brother died. I would imagine your husband is unlikely to take you up on it, but knowing you're available will support him, I'm sure.

Lucky, thank you for the handhold, and for the advice, you're right, I can't fix it, and I don't really want to, I just want to try and ease their hurt, and help them to help each other, as they seem to grow ever more insular in their grief. Since I originally posted, I have managed to persuade DH to spend an evening a week with FIL, which helps them both (FIL thrives on routine, DH likes to be able to do a thing without having to be reminded, so having a regular date works and coincidentally brings them closer together), and as an added bonus, SIL came along and joined in this week.

I lost both my mum and my father in law to cancer this year, and my dad got diagnosed with cancer (didn't think it was in our families until this happened) so I have insight into the shitness of it all. My thoughts are:

• I think your husband just has to grieve the way he grieves. Some of his feelings may unravel and resolve over time in quite unexpected ways (for instance, having your own children changes your perspective on your parents). You can ask him if there are things that would make him feel happier and remind him you love him and that he has the right to grieve, and you can hold him to decent standards of behaviour to you and ask him to seek help if he doesn't keep to them, but that's just about it. Personally, my brain feels as though it clears itself when I go for a run, and I don't really want to talk about my Mum to a counsellor at the moment. That may change, of course.

• Your husband and sister in law need to let go of what they 'need' from each other, and seek it elsewhere. I'd love it right now if I had loads of family support. However, I have 1 and 3 yr old children, sister bereaved and mid divorce, husband bereaved, mother in law bereaved, father bereaved and with cancer. I love all of them so much, but all of the people in my life need to be cut some serious slack at the moment. Therefore I think more about what I can offer them of my support without compromising my own happiness than thinking of what I need from them - I just trust they'll do what they can. So I talk to friends who are in a position to help about heartache stuff, go on spa days because I love them, have a little cry on my run, drink very overpriced wine when I feel awful. Those are the things I can access now.

• With your father in law, I'd just offer the support you can without compromising your own sanity. Avoid the deep conversations when they are causing so much hurt - what are his interests? Can you get him to come out on a walk, or go to a film - what does he enjoy? Does he have friends and is he pursuing any interests?

I hope some of this is useful. I probably sound quite stiff upper lip, but it sounds as though your husband and his family have a lot of expectations of each other and it might help to let go of that thinking a bit.