I haven't been here,in so many ways, for a while now.
I just called the doctor to get an appointment so I can get a referral for counselling as I can't afford the private ones and I desperately need to talk to someone.The earliest appointment I can get is not until Friday.
I need to talk to someone today though so here goes.
My father died a few weeks ago. I had a complicated relationship with him - anger, hurt and disappointment over events during my childhood and adolescence.
When I last visited him he was very ill and as I was leaving he asked me not to punish him( I had kept my distance for years).It was the closest he's ever come to an apology. That was earlier this year and the last time I saw him.
My mother died when I was very young my father was the only parent I knew.I realise now how so much of who I am and my values and outlook on life both positive and negative are down to him and how he raised me.And now I feel so many things ; guilt at being so angry for so long and at a loss. I find myself questioning the decisions I have made about my life , all of it.
I have a husband to whom all of this seems like the goings on in some far off country that he neither has the language nor the to skills understand.
I fantasize about walking out the door and never turning back , starting over somewhere but deep down know I couldn't do that to my child who is still very young. I just need to feel better.