Struggling

[Hjb2410]

Hello
I've recently come to this forum a couple of times. However im finding things incredibly difficult right now.
My mum passed away very suddenly on the 23/12/14 two days before Christmas.
My whole world has been turned upside down since that day. I tried and failed to resuscitate my mum, ive been trained to do CPR but I never ever thought the first time I would use it would be trying to save my mum.
Since then I've become the Rock of the family, a carer for my nana and grandad making decisions which I don't have a clue what I'm doing.
I'm only 23 years old.
We have had to put my mums dad in a home as he suffers with dementia; this is heartbreaking :( I hate the fact we have had to do it but I know we couldn't cope at home.
Also my dads dad has cancer and has been told he has 12 months to live.
I've recently got engaged and moved out with my partner. I feel like all I am doing is running and running I keep myself busy so I don't have to comprehend what's happened.
I decided to have a quiet night tonight just sit me on my own as I feel I haven't atopped. But it's just hit me how can I carry on without my mum? I can't get my head around that let alone my dads dads and my mums parent?

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds as though it was a shock, which will take time to adjust to.
I bet your Mum was the heart of the family, and you're being expected to fill that role.
Can you try to get other family members to share the responsibility? It shouldn't be down to you to bear the burden. Perhaps you could ask your Dad to get the family together for a discussion about decisions that need to be made?
I hope you can get relatives to realise how you are grieving, and how you need to look after yourself.

Your Dad needs to take this burden from you. You need to ask him for help.

Why are you the only one running around?

@chairmeoh My mum was the heart and sole of the family. I miss her so very much. My dad tries to help but there's only really me my dad and my brother. My brothers useless so it's just me and my dad. I feel like it is down to me to look after my mums parents because my dads got so much on with his dad. I feel like I've aged so much. I put on a brave face and run away from it because truth be told I'm scared to say that im not coping. I'm scared to let the tears fall

@BetaTest I tjink I feel like I need to live up to my mum? Do everything she would do.
Truth be told I don't know what the hell to do
I don't know how I should act or be or anything

Have you talked this through wit your partner?

Sometimes someone who is not so emotionally wrapped up in the nitty gritty of events can provide perspective..

@BetaTest
I've tried but The only person I could fully open up to about anything was my mum. Now I feel like I had no one to talk to :( I know that's daft but I could talk to my mum about anything it's just not the same anymore.
I feel like my partner doesn't understand, I don't know how too make him because I can't comprehend what I did that day and what I've run from ever since.

Have you considered some sort of bereavement counselling. I know that 'counselling' is always trotted out as a solution on MN but you sound like you have suffered a sort of PTSD and have not grieved or 'let go'.

No idea how to access that but your GP may be able to help. They may assess you for depression as well. You need a 'talking therapy' though not drugs.

@BetaTest
I did go forward for counselling but I was assigned a man counsellor- for me it wasn't right and I felt like I needed a lady to talk to but didn't feel like I wasin the right frame
Of mind to begin to process it.
I'm currently on tablets for depression; I was slowly working my way off them december 2014 but after what happened Ive had to up my dose again

It is clear to me you absolutely need to get counselling (from a counsellor you can relate to) as soon as possible. Not rely on drugs.

I could tell by the way you were posting that you were not going through a 'normal' grief process. Go back to your GP and get a female counsellor assigned.

You are mentally unwell and need medical care.

I struggle asking for help
What is the normal grieving process?
I feel like I'm just existing

Hello,

I just wanted to say how moved I was by your post, you poor poor thing. I don't know if your grief is 'normal'. What is normal apart from to feel sad and bereft and desperate, especially when you have been left by your beloved mum so suddenly and at such a young age and with so many worries.

I lost my mum two years ago and the pain is still so raw, she's not here to enjoy the happy times or console us with her cheery words and positivity when we have had bad day. But I am older than you and at least had a short time to prepare for her passing.

I would say be very very kind to yourself, excuse yourself anything, don't be hard on yourself or reproach yourself. You should be immensely proud of how you have coped, not just with the terrible trauma of seeing your lovely mum pass away, but the aftermath and how you have cared for your father and grandparents. If you were my daughter, I would be so proud of you. Sending you strength xxx

@Mediumred
I seem to 'cope' if I don't think about what's happened. If I put a smile on my face and just go with it and don't think about it I can just about cope.
But I can't even begin to start thinking about because I'm scared, I can't actually believe it's happened :( I miss her so much.
I can't get over the fact I left work early to get ready for Christmas and my whole life changed then. We used to love christmas, now I can't even think about it/ don't know how to think about it or what even is normal.
It's been 8 months since it happened, and I'm probs in a worser mess than I felt before.
I've got engaged while on holiday in Jamaica; the first person I wanted to tell was my mum and I know how happy she would be for me but why did it happen.
Why did she have to be taken?
I know it's horrible but I hate it when other people talk about their mums or going out with their mums, because why did it have to be my mum that it happened to??

All these feelings are very normal, even when the death is not so sudden and violent as your poor lovely mum. The sense of putting your feelings in a box because dealing with them is so hard, and the sense of injustice that others have their mums. The unfairness, the desperate unfairness of it all.

I think counselling might help a little. Not because your grief isn't normal but because grief itself is such a traumatic event. You have been thrust from being a young carefree woman into the worst sadness anyone can face short of the death of a child. Seeking help is not weak, the fact you have come this far is a testament to your strength. And as for feeling worse, so little time has passed, of course you are only starting to deal with it, I can't say you will feel better soon, but maybe a little less raw. I never feel anything but sad when I think of mum, she should be here now, but I am able to take pleasure in other things - my partner, child, friends etc

Sorry, meant trying counselling again with someone you feel more rapport with. Xxx

@mediumred
I don't know how I'm supposed to be during counselling, I find it incredibly hard talking to people about it, I guess I just shrug it off and put on a front and a happy smiling face.
No one ever asks how I really am, though I wouldn't know if I would want anyone to if that makes sense?
I guess I feel like I'm just existing and acting like it hasn't happened because I can't think about her not being here.
I work as a dental nurse and people are already talking about christmas! For me I used to love christmas but it will never ever be the same again.
I don't know how I'm meant to be in these conversations of what I hear of them anyway. I want to shout and say my christmas will never ever be the same because my mum was cruelly taken.
As I sit here rambling on I know I just actually can't believe its happened, I genuinely can't believe it happened?
Why is life so unfair?

Oh love, I know, other people with their really small and petty concerns. You want to grab them and scream in their face 'but mum is dead'. I recall walking into my office and looking round in disbelief that things, life, could just carry on without her in it.

I guess professionalism dictates that you can't say anything to your patients but please don't try to put on a brave face with a counsellor, or your friends, family or fiancée. You are grieving you need support. Tell your counsellor how you feel. Probably few or any of your friends have been in this position, you are so young to have lost your lovely mum, but please keep posting if it helps at all and there is a good thread elsewhere in bereavement for anyone grieving for a parent.

Don't think about Christmas yet, just take it one day at a time for now. Xxx

@mediumred
Truth be told I'm crashing before my eyes
I can't ever tell anyone how I'm truly feeling! I'm absolutely heartbroken
All the time I keep reliving every moment and I just can't get my head round it?