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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

So very sad.

19 replies

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 16:17

Just been to visit my dad's grave. He died completely suddenly two years ago, as in I saw him in the afternoon, he was dead by the evening. You would think I would be used to it now. But I am not... I miss him so much. He wasn't a great dad due to always working, but he was my dad, and he was wonderful in so many ways... It's just so unfair that I never got to say goodbye... Sorry, I know it's been two yesrs but I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face... I miss him so much.

OP posts:

mummy0bummy · 18/07/2015 16:18

Two years is nothing, OP, I'm not surprised you're not "used to it".

I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 16:19

What if he didn't know how much we loved him? Feeling so sad and so guilty...

OP posts:

MrsEvadneCake · 18/07/2015 16:20

Feeling my dad died 14 years ago and I still miss him dreadfully. I never got to say goodbye either and it left so much I wished i could have said. I have had counselling (complicated bereavement) and it has helped but it's taken me until this year to feel I could do that. Do you have someone you can share your memories with?

Original poster

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 16:24

I don't get on well with my mum, and am not speaking with my sister as she is a full blown alcoholic who can't be helped (we have all tried, but she won't help herself). Dad did his best when he was alive to help her, and she is basically killing herself slowly. I just feel so so so awful that he was there for me when I was going through a bad time in life, he used to travel for three hours just to check I was ok. And now things are going well at the moment, and I can't share that with him, or say thank you, or show him that I am doing ok after all... God I miss him.

OP posts:

Heyho111 · 18/07/2015 16:24

Of course he knew you loved him. You saw him that day because that's what you do when you love someone. You don't need to say it for it to be known.
People can row but they still know they are loved. They visit infrequently but still know they are loved. Love is strange. It's felt for no reason. As you know he loved you he did too. Big hug

Original poster

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 16:27

Thank you. Just being at his grave today for some reason really brought it home. Sorry, I am being silly, so many people have so many more important things going on in life. It's just that he was only 62... Was just saying to my friend earlier, I couldn't tell you my mum's phone number, my boyfriend's, my sister's, but I know dad's off by heart still.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 16:29

And the worst thing is that he died all on his own. I can't stop thinking about it, and if I hadn't been such a self absorbed cow, then he might still be alive...

OP posts:

caravanista13 · 18/07/2015 16:29

It's really sad not being able to say goodbye, but can you look at it the other way? He didn't have a painful drawn out death like so many people do. I know what I would prefer for myself.

Original poster

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 16:32

This is true. I suppose at least he didn't have that, he would have hated that. He was a good man who worked so hard and tried so hard to provide us with a good education etc. And he was always on my side and backed me up. I just wish so much I had been there, either to hold his hand and tell him how much we loved him, or to try and save him.

OP posts:

Baddz · 18/07/2015 16:47

Oh op :(
My dad died suddenly - it will be 2 years on 27th - and I still phone his mobile to hear his voice :(
Of course he knew you loved him.
Sending love to you x

Original poster

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 16:54

And you baddz. Sorry to hear we are going through the same crappy stuff. I can't even hear his voice anymore as his mobile got cancelled, and my stupid phone deleted his last voice message. for you

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Baddz · 18/07/2015 16:58

I try and take Comfort from The fact that we were with him (we did CPR but to no avail :() and that it was quick and he didn't suffer.
He would have hated being in any way disabled or having to given up his drivers license.
It's hard.
I miss him.
It sounds like your family situation is very difficult and that can't be helping you grieve.
[Flowers]
I'm not sure bereavement ever gets easier.
I just think you get better at it.
X

Original poster

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 17:07

Oh god, that sounds horrid. I am so sorry to hear that... You couldn't have done more for him. My dad literally collapsed and died. Post mortem showed a massive tumour (that ironically he got an all clear scan letter from the Nhs the week after he died) so I guess it was better for him. But I still wish I had been there... The day it happened, I had a real feel of foreboding... I felt really unsettled and grumpy for no reason. Don't know if I kind of knew all along...

OP posts:

Baddz · 18/07/2015 17:17

I'm so sorry.
How awful.
My sister was abroad at the time in holdiay and she said she "knew" something had happened.
In fact, she even tried to phone my mum...we didn't hear the phone as we were busy doing CPR :(
My brother wasn't there either...he was practically catatonic with shock for a few days.
Sadly my mum had a heart attack later the same day (she is ok thank god)
It's a hard time of year for me tbh.

Original poster

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 17:23

Oh I wish I could give you a hug!!! In a non weird way... That sounds awful. I am so sorry. It's really crap isn't it? I am supposed to be going to a party this afternoon, with my lovely new boyfriend, but I seriously can't stop being emotional and crying spontaneously. The grief doesn't go away, does it?

OP posts:

Baddz · 18/07/2015 17:26

No it doesn't.
I will take the virtual hug, thank you!
Go to the party...I know it's hard but sitting indoors won't help and I know I didn't know your dad, but I am sure that's not what he would want for you x

Original poster

Feelingsosad123 · 18/07/2015 17:37

I know. Thank you. It's good (in the worst way ever!) to know someone else is going through it as well. As you have probably gathered, I am a teacher, and the end of term blues are here, just need to power through the last week. Just hate the fact that dad is not here to be proud of me!!!! Sounds silly.

OP posts:

Baddz · 18/07/2015 17:41

It's not silly.
My youngest son learnt to ride his bike without stabilisers last year.
I cried.
Not because I was happy, but because my dad should have taught him, like he did my eldest son.
Even happy times are hard now as he has missed so much :(

morethanpotatoprints · 18/07/2015 17:48

You are not being at all silly for you at this sad time.
Two years is no time really and there is no right and wrong way to feel when somebody you loved so much is no longer here.
I sympathise with how you feel as my mum went the same way, the consolation is that they didn't suffer.
Both my parents have gone now and even after 7/8 years I still cry, something will set me off.
They got to see our older two grow up but dd was only 3. So much has changed over these years and it's bitter sweet they can't see how dd has turned out.

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