Overwhelming sadness and missing my wonderful DH

[Bluebell66]

I lost my wonderful DH two years ago to lung cancer. He was diagnosed in the November and passed away the following May, one week after his 51st birthday. My DS was 16 and my DD 13. I miss him so much I ache. I was crying when my DD came home from school this afternoon, something I really try and avoid, but the aching, overwhelming sadness and loneliness just washes over me sometimes. I miss the way things were when we were a family of four and all the things we used to do, and the fun we used to have. My heart breaks every day that my DC have lost their beloved Daddy. They adored him. My DS, now 18, has Aspergers. He is very bright, but socially isolated. His Dad was his best, and only friend. How am I ever going to get through this and come out the other side?

Only joking - thank you so much for your message, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your DH. I can only imagine how hard it must have been, having to support your DC too. You are right, I don't know what to do with myself a lot of the time. It's not so bad at the moment as both the DC are at home, but I'm dreading them going back to school/university as the house will be so empty again. I'm hoping to start back doing a few hours at work, and I'm dreading it, but I know I've got to do it.

Secondchapter - So sorry for your loss, it's interesting when you say you don't think you want to keep up the counselling, and want to do something more tangible, does that mean you're beginning to recover and move on with your life do you think? Have you any idea what you would like to do? Being a lone parent is incredibly difficult at anytime, but when you're grieving and in shock, it seems totally overwhelming and impossible at times. It's relentless, there's no one to give you a break, or to discuss things with, problems and difficulties, and there's no one to share the DC's achievements with. That absolutely breaks my heart that their Daddy isn't here to share things with them and watch them grow. That will always be a massive source of sadness to me. We were so close, and such a tight unit. Like you, I question myself all the time, am I being a good enough mother etc. When you lose your DH, you are rocked to the core, your confidence totally disappears, your whole world falls apart. How anyone can compare this living hell to their DH working away or divorce, is absolutely beyond me. They have no idea, and shouldn't claim to. It makes me very, very angry.

I don't think recover is quite the right word. As for moving on, I'm not planning on moving on as dh will always have a place in my heart. Moving forward is what I have decided to do. I've come to an acceptance that things are not going to be the same and have made some decisions that will I hope make life easier in the short term. I'm not ready to see anyone else just yet, but can see that at some point in the future I may be and I'm not ruling that out. The counselling has been really helpful. At first it was my safe space to cry and talk about dh. I still cry during the sessions, but it is not always overwhelming now and I can talk about dh and look at pictures without getting so upset. I have had the support of some very good friends who take me out regularly and my mil is a star too. My children are older so that helps too and although our youngest is still at school, the time when she leaves home and goes to uni is within sight. Running the house alone when you are used to being part of a couple is so hard and just doing the shopping and cleaning whilst grieving and working full time is an achievement. No one knows how if feels to lose a life partner until it happens to them.
I went back to work too early, only lasted a fortnight and got signed off. Three months later I got my gp to sign me as fit for half time, then later I had a phased return over a couple of weeks. I've been taking my counselling as annual leave so need to stop that and just take the hour out for the appointment, but I couldn't have done that at first as the appointments were so draining. That was long. Hope you have a good dày today.

Hi bluebelle how are you? I'm just out of a terrible dark hole. I was very depressed and suicidal. I know I need to keep going for my children. I have had a few men from church asking to go on a date. It has really upset me. Well meaning people letting me know they hope I find a new husband soon!! We have Father's Day coming up this weekend in Aus, so it will be a difficult day. I am keeping my dd home from school on Friday so she doesn't have to deal with the Father's Day stall. My poor baby. I hope you are all managing.

Bluebell, that's really positive that you're thinking of going back to work. Well done you! Although it is just another thing where you feel you have to be so brave, yet again.

I'm PtolemysNeedle by the way, name changed after the site was down.

Mermaid, I'm really sorry to hear you've struggled recently. Father's Day must feel so harsh when your dc are young and should be able to enjoy those days. It is very weird when people say thing like they hope you find a new husband, or that you're young and you'll meet someone else. They do mean well, but it does show how little people can understand unless they've been in this position. What was it like for you when you got asked out? Don't feel you have to answer that though, I just can't even imagine that yet.

for all of you

When I was asked out by a friend I felt annoyed. I really just needed him to be a friend, but now he has made it awkward. I guess I missed the signs he was interested. I have just put him off for now, and am avoiding him. Not very mature I know! Others that weren't friends first, there were mixed emotions. It's nice to know that men still find you attractive, then anxiety as dating is a whole new game, then sadness, just thinking I shouldn't be going on dates with a man, I should be going on dates with my husband. Then I started thinking it may be nice to have some happiness, and it may be good for my children. Then you picture that person in your husbands place and you feel very very sad. My husband and I really shared a once in a lifetime sort of love. I don't think it is possible to find again. One day I may find someone who I love 1/4 the amount and I would consider myself blessed. I realised to that even if I were to get remarried, it won't take away my pain. I will always miss my husband and want him. For now I am just concentrating on my children. I am now excited for death, it's funny I use to be scared of it, but now it will mean I am with my love again. How are you coping Osolea?

I totally understand what you mean by saying that it annoyed you when a friend asked you out, and it is quite horrible thinking about the whole dating thing. It's as if people think you're ok because you aren't crying or talking about your DH or his loss all the time, and it's just not like that. You're probably doing the right thing by avoiding your friend.

From other posts you've made on here, it really does sound like you and your husband shared a very special type of love. It's beautiful and heartwarming, but so bittersweet as well.

I feel like my DH and I shared a very special love as well, and I feel blessed to have had that because I know it's more than some people ever have even though our time together was cut so short. But as blessed as I sometimes feel, other times it's just so heartbreaking, so sad and missing him is just overwhelming and so draining. When I think about being close to other men in the future I think I can see that one day I might like to have another relationship, just because this life is so lonely, but I don't think I'd want anyone else to be in the father/husband type position in our lives. That was my husbands place and I don't want anyone else in it.

Thank you for asking how I'm coping Mermaid, it's nice to be asked. I often feel like when people in RL ask, it's nice and well meant, but no one really wants to know what it's like to be widowed. It just brings other people down and changes the whole atmosphere if I say too much. I'm not sure how I'm coping really. Well, I think, seeing as I'm still functioning and I haven't been carted off to a mental health unit yet, but as you probably understand, it's hard work keeping going all the time. I'm looking forward to school going back as I work in one and I prefer being in term time routine rather than holiday. I used to love the school holidays but I don't anymore.

Like you, I look forward to death because I know I'll see my beautiful DH again.

How are your children, and how's it going with your in laws now?

Bluebell, apologies for talking over you on your thread, I hope you don't mind too much and I hope you're ok. How long do you have left before your children go back to school and uni?

This is a hard time of year. We have had my husbands birthday and mine, and the children are all due theirs. Then there is Father's Day, and by the time we recover it will be Xmas. My youngest is having the hardest time. She sees other dads at school and gets upset. They had to make Father's Day cards yesterday at school, she made one for her brother instead. She said a boy next to her didn't want to make one as he hated his dad. She told him how lucky he is to have a dad. Its so hard when you hear people complaining about the husbands. Or when you hear about awful abusive men. I wonder why the good men die and the awful ones are left. I know God has his plan, I just need to trust. I haven't seen my in laws at all since I first posted about them. My fil and mil are separated. I have just asked for space from my mil which she has given me. My fil I think finds it to hard to see us. A reminder I guess, and guilt as he hadn't been there. I like how you said that if you were to ever re partner that the person won't take over as father/husband as that was your husbands position. That is a good way to look at it. It must be so hard marrying a widow/widower knowing your partner is still in love with their partner. I hate school holidays now to! I need my routine.

I'm sorry this is such a hard time of year for you Mermaidhair. That's harsh having so many occasions to deal with so close together, and it must be heartbreaking to see your children so upset with he reality of having to live without their Dad. And having to try comfort them and make it ok when it feel so massively far away from ok. I'm glad to hear your mil is giving you the space you need though, and I hope that's made at least one aspect a little easier.

I'm really lucky in that my children are teenagers, better able to understand, and they still have their dad because my husband was their step dad. He'd been in their lives since they were both young so the loss is still there, but it is different.

I know what you mean about hearing other people complaining about their husbands. I find it hardest when they have good relationships really, because they just don't know how lucky they are. Of course it's a good thing that they don't know this pain, but it's still hard. Especially when they then realise that they're complaining to a widow, and there's that awkwardness as they try and change the subject! But hearing (often on here) about other people's destructive and abusive relationships helps me realise how lucky I was. And still am in a away, because all the love is still there.

I feel the same as you in that God must have his plan, and it's not my place to understand the reasons for this, but just to trust that they're there. I really feel that love is pretty much the most important thing that humanity needs to understand, and I wouldn't have learned anywhere near as much without the love and loss of my husband.