my grief is like a deep dark black hole

[kandykat]

when you fall to the bottom it is so dark, so dark you cannot see a thing
like being at the bottom of a deep deep well

when you managed to claw your way up a bit, and struggle on, carry on, sometimes you can see the light above, your not in the light but you can see it in the distance

after a lot of time, and a lot of trying you can actually climb out of the hole, but your never far from the hole, your always standing beside it, waiting to fall in at any moment, all it takes is an insensitive comment or a sharp reminder and within an instant, you are right at the very bottom of the deep dark hole.

and so much energy goes into purely exisiting, so much energy and strength it takes to get through the days
even on good days my heart aches and is deeply deeply sad
and yet I will continue to strive to make my life and the life of your sister and brother and father the best and happiest and best I can make it

just know dearest beautiful son, I love you, I miss you, I think of you every single day, I spend as much head space on you as I do your brother and sister, which is as you know, alot because you children are my world, everyday I wish you were here with us, all of us together, enjoying simple things like watching a film, having a cuddle, reading you a story, seeing your face, so perfect
and all the great times I wanted to share with you like taking you sledging, taking you on holiday, swimming with you, playing with you, birthdays and Christmas's
just want you to know how very much I love you and miss you
I will miss you forever
love mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thank you guys, and thankyou for reading, it helps xx

winterbaby i am very sorry for your loss too,
i know a lovely poem about one year on, if you would like to hear it, it's not one i've written but I've posted it on here before

))hugs(( I look back into my history and there were dark times but they are light again now. I know platitudes don't help but some days I look at my dd and love her so very much and it is a love that has grown and grown over 17 years, that I sort of understand why what happened happened. I know it's a form of collateral damage and awful in that context but I cannot imagine a life without dd and ds2, much as I wanted so desperately for him to live, facilitated the life I got through that hearbreak. It's almost impossible to explain but I'm trying to say that eventually with the passing of time things do work out OK. Losing a child is never OK of course and the pain never wholly goes away but sometimes it is part of a journey that might have been meant to be.

I understand every hurt and every tear and in my heart I know I would have wanted DS2 and DD but if DS2 had lived I know I wouldn't have DD or at least not the DD I got.

With hope and love for healing. It never goes away entirely but it does become easier to bear as time passes.

In context and if it helps, I still visit DS2 at Christmas and on his birthday. Where I used to take a soft toy or a Christmas reindeer now I take a CD that I know his bigger brother would like. I still do it and it is a part of me that can never go away. I tell him about his brother and his sister and how I wonder if he would have been the mediator in the arguments and all sorts of silly stuff like that. I tell him about ds's brashness and uber confidence and dd's quietness and diffidence and wonder how he would have fared between the two of them. I shall never know but he is a part of our lives and always will be. DD never knew of him properly; DS can't remember those times they are so far away.

It's a stream of consciousness I know and whether it helps those who are in pain now, I don't know but it's the only way I can look back and rationalise and I hope in some small way it helps.

I am so sorry - I know how much it hurts.

for everyone, thanks for giving me the benefit of yourexperience everyone and just listening to me, and hearing me

I've actually had a good weekend and am feeling brighter

bb, I had read your last post several times and a lot of it resonates with me, I too although I dearly wish ds1 hadn't of died, I would have never had ds2, really I'm pretty sure I know that in my heart of hearts

I sometimes worry that I should be coping better by now, and its v helpful to hear from you when your further down the path than me

have you ever heard the song, god blessed the broken road, that lead me straight to you?
sometimes that rings true to me too
painfully trye but true nether the less

thank you for listening to me and helping me xx