alcoholic Dad really sick, I'm afraid he might die, our relationship not great, really scared

[time4tea]

my dad is in hospital for tests - heartbeat very irregular, bad kidneys and liver, not eating. He's been an alcoholic for years, so I'm really scared that the chickens are coming home to roost and he's just completely ruined his health irreparably and we won't have him much longer. We were quite close until he really started to drink a hell of a lot about 10 years ago. there was a really bad patch when my mum was depressed about 5 years ago, he behaved really badly to her and all of us over a period of several years when she was ill, and I got married (was totally arseholed at the wedding etc) and when my DS (2 and a half) was born. As mum got better he stopped drinking quite so much, but really its been hard to talk to him since, his brain seems to be half gone, he rambles on about this and that, repeating himself etc. really DS is our one point of contact, he is really proud of him and loves hearing him on the phone, the odd kicking of footballs in the garden.... for a long time I was really angry with his behaviour, that's over now (which is a relief) but I feel my real dad is long gone and its hard to feel much but sorry for someone who has really messed themselves up so much. me and my mum get on really well, and I think we just want him to stay as well as he can, while accepting that we can't do anything to influence his drinking, taking care of himself, even getting him to see a doctor is a struggle....the GP just took some initial tests this morning and sent him straight to hospital by lunchtime so it doesn't look good.

anyway, he's sick and it doesn't look good in the long-term. I don't know what to do to make the best of the time that we have left - communication is so hard, the last thing I can imagine is having the heart-to-heart talks and going over old times etc that normally can make last weeks and months good. I'm six months pg, and with DS and DH, who are both great. But I'm really afraid of not doing all I can in this time and then regretting it- especially as I've suffered a fair amount from depression in the past - while knowing that realistically there probably isn't that much to be done - and then hitting a really really rough patch later, when I need all health and strength for the baby and DS.

sorry for such a long post - but would be glad to hear advice or experiences from others...

I'm sorry you're having this worrying time. I've no direct experience, but FIL drinks too much - is a sort of alcoholic I suppose, although he's still on top of his life, work etc. and there's no 'conspicuous' behaviour - and not in the best health, and dh and I do worry about him. (MIL, meanwhile, is slowly killing herself through smoking ).

I do have first-hand experience of very difficult and dysfunctional parent situations, though, and all I can say is that in the end, the degree to which we can influence our parents is always limited, we can't 'mother' them, all we can do is make clear our goodwill - but if a situation is too much for us, we must't be afraid of pulling back from it. Do what you can, see him, spend time with him - but it may very well not be possible to have the conversations you want to have or imagine having. let him know you are there and love him, but listen to yourself and do not take on more tan you can realistically bear.

I'm not sure this has helped much, but I do really feel for you.

dear FIT

thanks for the thoughts, it was really good of you to get back to me. its funny, writing up the post helped me sort my head out a bit, and our thoughts confirmed that I was on the right track. I went to see him yesterday, brought pictures of DS, and felt I'd done the right thing. He had an operation for a burst stomach ulcer last night, but pulled through.

thanks agan, and I see you are taking a break from MN'ing for a bit - whatever's on your plate right now, I hope things go well for you.

thanks again, T4T

Hi Time4tea, well you've really just described my dad, except he's yours.

I love my dad deeply but don't like his alcoholism. Every time in the last few years (ok, decade) we've met up he's been too drunk to have a conversation with me.

It breaks my heart, and I miss the man he was (and still could be). I miss having a dad.

I've sort of solved the problem by moving to Oz, so I can't really help, but while I was in the UK I just told him that he wasn't allowed to see me, my DD or my DSS while he was drinking. Tough love but I don't want them to be affected by what I had to put up with when I was growing up. If he doesn't like it - then deal with it. My mum (they have been separated for 20 years because of his drinking) makes me feel guilty for not seeing more of him, but after a lot of soul searching I've realised that it's not my fault and why on earth should I feel guilty? I was the 11 year old scared in the back of a car because I knew my dad was drunk, not her.

I wish he would be a normal dad, he's a good man and was much nicer to me than my mum ever was.

I feel so guilty about it all - all those years when I didn't invite him to our house for Christmas because I knew he'd be pissed and upset my DSS.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. I dealt with it by being tough, and to a certain extent dad listened - he came to see us a couple of times sober, and I was proud of him, but you could tell he wasn't comfortable.

hello Arfishymeau

I think you've dealt with it well - protecting your children from this stuff is a priority, no child should face the confusing behaviour of a drunk adult or the risk of being subjected to their often unkind words. Try to hold on to the times when he has been sober - which will of course be hard for him, my dad too was told by my mum not to drink the last couple of times me and DH and DS came up, and now these are important good memories.

thanks for getting in touch. part of us fantasises about the normal dad you'd love to have had, but basically to get the best of the times when they can be humanly communicative is probably all that we can hope for. Sometimes I wonder a lot about their view of us, and the situation, do you know what I mean? Given the circumstances, a few moments of genuine contact are miraculous.

anyway, things are looking bad again, the doctors say it is touch and go now for the next couple of days, but really it isn't sounding good.

thanks again for posting, really appreciate it

T4T