Hi all,
A week ago (24th May 2015) I gave birth to stillborn identical twins. They had developed a condition called twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome at 20 weeks. I had laser surgery to try and stop the condition but it didn't work and 3 weeks later my waters broke and I went into premature labour.
In the time between my waters breaking and the onset of labour (which took 2 days), I was having some desperate thoughts that I feel terribly guilty for now and it's adding to the grief I feel. The neonatal consultant told me that if the babies were born alive at 23 weeks they could try and save them but the chances of severe brain damage were great, but that I could choose to have no intervention in which case they'd surely die. I chose not to let them intervene because I felt my babies had gone through enough and I didn't want them having needles stuck in them or invasive surgery. The doctor said that after 24 weeks they had an ethical responsibility to save them, but I didn't want my babies to have brain damage and live their lives like that. I was so scared of this happening and just wanted everything to be over. I was in such a bad way that I told my mum I wanted to drink poison to kill myself and set us all free from a horrible future.
In the end I got an infection because my waters had gone and I went into labour and gave birth to my two poor little babies. They were already gone and there's nothing the neonatal doctors could have done anyway.
My husband and I are so devastated and I feel so guilty. Not only for wanting things to all be over but because my body failed those two beautiful babies. I feel like such an awful person, I feel like I could cry all day and night. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. I never gave up hope until my waters broke, we did everything we could to save them from the condition they had. But it wasn't enough. I just don't know where to go from here and I just hate myself.