Supporting children through bereavement

[Blackpuddingbertha]

My nephew (14) and niece (12) have lived with my PILS for the last 10 years since the death of their mother 12 years ago and being removed from their father by SS. My MIL has not been in good health for some time with COPD and this week she has had a diagnosis of lung cancer. She is not well enough to go through any treatment. We do not currently know what the prognosis is but it's unlikely to be good.

We have always been closely involved in the children's care and they stay with us regularly for weekends and come on holidays with us and our DDs. They have their own bedrooms here. We will take on their care once MIL passes away as we believe that my FIL is unlikely to be able to cope on his own. They are currently talking to their solicitor about the legal aspects of this.

They do not live near to us. They will loose their Nan, their home, their school and their friends all in close succession. FIL will probably move to be local to us & remain a large part of their care. We don't really know how to start to support them through this. I'm hoping someone will be able to point us in the direction of some good resources so we can start approaching this in the best way. We are due to go up soon to talk things through with my In-laws and I believe the plan is to also talk to the children at that stage. They do not currently know how serious their Nan's illness is.

Any pointers or personal experiences very much appreciated.

Didn't want to read and run OP - what a desperately sad situation for all concerned. The children especially will have such a lot to cope with

Has you MIL had any contact with Macmillan yet or with the specialist palliative care team at the hospital ?. If so, they may well be able to point you in the direction of someone who may be able to specifically help your nephew and niece over the coming weeks/months

I do know that at one time my local hospice had a specialist child bereavement counsellor who was called on to advise families in circumstances such as this and this was accessed via the hospital/palliative care team.

Yes, MIL has a Macmillan nurse, I shall suggest she adds the question of support for the children to her long list of questions. The hospital however are being particularly unhelpful at the moment which is a challenge in itself.

The children have been dealt such a rough hand already in life, it just seems so desperately unfair.

How dreadfully sad.
Yes, try to access counselling through a hospice. And speak to Winstons Wish.
Have you thought about talking to the school they will likely access when they move to yours? They might have some suggestions to help with transition.
How are your DDs holding up? It's a huge upheaval for all concerned, centred around the forthcoming loss of someone who sounds very special to all of you.

Thank you, we haven't spoken to our DDs yet. We'll cover that when we know more about likely prognosis and therefore timescales. They love having our niece & nephew here but there's a big difference between the odd weekend and them being here permanently! Will definitely change the family dynamic.

I will look at Winstons Wish as well. We will be talking to schools after we've been up to see the PILs, they have resisted a move to school the children here previously and I think they'll want to keep the children with them until the end, which I'm not sure will be the best option. I always wanted a smoother, more gradual transition for them rather than this but the PILs have always had a 'head in the sand' outlook unfortunately.

Child Bereavement UK link here have fantastic resources.

They support families facing a bereavement and also children dealing with loss. They have excellent support materials for professionals who are working with bereaved children, so that the children can receive the support through someone who is familiar to them.

Thank you, that's useful too. Scary statistic on the website saying that one child in every twenty nine has lost a parent or sibling.

I think given the ages of the children, you need to ask them if they want to stay with their Nan until the end. They may have very strong feelings either way and they may of course change their minds, individually or together, as things progress.

My husband died of cancer almost 2 years ago when our ds's were 19, 16 and 14. He wanted to be at home with us for as long as possible but felt he should go to the hospice to die as he thought it would be too upsetting for the boys for him to be at home. There were some problems at the end though and the night before he died he was at home still. It was pretty terrible and our 14 year old heard all of it. The hospice couldn't take him until the next day and he died 40 minutes after arriving.

So, if the children are going to be there until the end you might need to make a number of contingency plans in case "the end" comes sooner than the professionals had thought.

Regarding schools, I'd prioritise schools with a good reputation for pastoral care. Someone from the "welfare" department at our then 13 year old's secondary school said something outrageous to him about his reaction when his dad had his cancer diagnosis. I would have complained at the time but, knowing this, ds didn't tell me about it until after his dad had died. The school failed to deal with other problems too (youngest ds is disabled) so I managed to get him into his current school which is miles better. All our secondary schools are rated "good" by OFSTED but this truly good one is known locally for its pastoral care provision and it was worth appealing to get him in.

My children were offered counselling after their dad's death but only the oldest one was prepared to give it a go. You don't say how old your dd's are but they may benefit from access to counselling too (and of course dh is losing his mum and they are also losing their Nan too). Their lives are going to change a lot but the focus is likely to be on their cousins. They could find the situation difficult but feel guilty about raising their own needs and concerns.

Whatever happens you sound like a strong, supportive and thoughtful family and I am sure you will get through this.

Once Upon a Smile is a charity for bereaved families and do lots of great work for children and also the adults.