fourteen years since my sister died

[lampshady]

Just that. She killed herself a month before her 18th birthday. We didn't have a great relationship but she really made an effort in the weeks before her death, with everyone, so there must've been a great deal of planning going on.

My brother lives abroad and I'm NC with my mum. I hate visiting the burial site as I don't like leaving her. She was a fantastic swimmer regularly competing on the gb youth team.

Her friends don't contact us anymore. No one remembers. She thought I was a waster but I think we'd get on now. It would be nice to show her I didn't end up in a squat :)

My brother and dad don't really do emotions. I was in care after it happened so wasn't around for the aftermath but did go to the funeral. We've never grieved as a family.

I try not to think of it at all, but on days like this I can't help it.

It vsounds like you've had a really difficult time.
There must have been a lot going on leading up to her death, if you were in care at the time, and the family sounds pretty fractured.
Your brother and dad, they might not do emotions, but could you talk to either of them about your memories of her?
And maybe bereavement counselling might help you, I know Grief Encounter are highly recommended.

I'm so sorry for your loss, lampshady. I think Delphinium's suggestions sound very sensible, and I hope that you can find some help in perhaps talking to your brother and Dad, or in finding some counselling. I'm sure that it would help, at least a little, to be able to talk to a counsellor, as you can say things that you might not want to talk about with a family member or close friend.

Good luck and .