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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Disposing of miscarriage. Mildly graphic imagery warning.

18 replies

BangaloreStories · 13/05/2015 13:10

I miscarried last July. Around 8 week gestation. Happened at home and was complete and whole.

I still have the baby. I will refer to it as a baby because it did have some recognisably developed features.

It was my first miscarriage, having previously had 2 healthy pregnancies in my late 30s/early 40s. Although I 'knew' this wasn't going to be a happy ending, as I kept referring to the 'viability' of the pregnancy which I'd never done in previous pregnancies.

I put the baby in a little box that first night and kept it next to me on the pillow. It's since been kept refridgerated and is now dehydrated and shrunk but still recognisable to anyone who could later stumble across it. It's tucked well away ithe house now.

I need some closure, yet I'm reluctant to part with it. Also, I don't know how. Don't want to bury in my garden as I'm renting. I've thought of burying in the grave of the father's family member but I haven't asked him about that yet. He has no affinity with the physical remains of this miscarriage like I do.
I've also thought of smelting into jewellery, a ring perhaps, so it's with me forever, but I really don't want to post it off, I'd like to witness the process, just to be sure. How is that achievable?? Can hardly ask a local blacksmith to melt down to ashes, or can I?

How did you take care of your miscarriage if your's was also at home?

I'm divided between smelting into a ring to wear forever or burying.

OP posts:

DuncanQuagmire · 13/05/2015 13:12

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joopy79 · 13/05/2015 13:16

I'm sorry for your loss, could you bury the baby in a relative's garden?

TarkaTheOtter · 13/05/2015 13:17

This must be really difficult for you. Would you consider cremation and then you could spread the ashes somewhere important to you where you can visit when you want?

Have you considered some sort of counselling too? Ti help you live a bit easier with your loss.

5madthings · 13/05/2015 13:17

It's not disgusting.

Op I don't know what to suggest, do you have a special place you could bury or cremate your baby? My friend buried hers in her garden and planted a tree.

You are needing closure.

I have had three miscarriages at a similar stage but they passed in the toilet mainly, nothing recognisable.

gamerchick · 13/05/2015 13:18

Take it to a nice remote spot to bury and say your goodbyes. I'm not sure if it's healthy to hang on to it.

There are places who will do things with ashes but I don't think they turn them into ashes first.

winsomewitch · 13/05/2015 13:18

Has your hospital got a remembrance garden specifically for situations like this?

I've had several miscarriages and been far enough along for there to be a need to do something but the hospital arranged it and our chosen names were put in the chapel book.

A service is held monthly for families to attend if they choose to say goodbye more formally.

I think you need to speak to your G.P asap to discuss options. I'm sorry for your loss

stolemyusername · 13/05/2015 13:18

Helpful Duncan

Op, I have no suggestions, but I'm sorry for the loss of your baby and I hope that you can find a fitting way to remember

LAGWAFIS · 13/05/2015 13:19

Ignoring Duncan who is clearly lacking in the emotions department ...

Have you thought about burying your baby in a special place? We put ours in the ground near a beautiful spot that is special to us

sebsmummy1 · 13/05/2015 13:21

Duncan you are disgusting and you should try showing some empathy to a fellow human being.

Bangladore I think turning the ashes into something would be a fabulous idea but I totally understand you not trusting the process and not wanting to send the tissue away blindly.

I am sure if you look up cremation services you might find someone that offered pet cremation for example locally. I'm not sure if human tissue is considered more risky to handle than animal remains and so has more legislation attached to it. Otherwise, I know it sounds coarse but I wonder if you could incinerate the remains and then do something with the ashes? Even if it's to put it into an urn or special container.

Btw I don't think you are at all disgusting or weird. I feel crap about allowing miscarriage no.3 - a disabled feotus, to just be thrown into a pyre at the hospital with all the other discarded tissue and waste. At the time i was angry and cross, but now I wish I had done something that allowed me to have buried the ashes. I will have to live with that choice. So sorry it happened to you.

Original poster

BangaloreStories · 13/05/2015 13:22

DuncanQuagmire What is disgusting?

OP posts:

paxtecum · 13/05/2015 13:22

Duncan has been very harsh. It isn't disgusting at all.

Do you have a favourite beauty spot that you love to visit where you could bury it with a little ceremony.

Or couldyou bury somewhere in the local church yard?

I've seen people have full on funerals with loads of attendees for 16 week old foetus's, so I don't see that this is very different.

paxtecum · 13/05/2015 13:23

Bagalore : Ignore Duncan.

Original poster

BangaloreStories · 13/05/2015 13:23

sebsmummy1 Thankyou, I hasn't thought of incinerating into ashes myself somehow, that seems a good idea.

OP posts:

joopy79 · 13/05/2015 13:26

My beloved cat died when I lived in a garden-less flat. I buried him in the in-laws cleaner's garden. We bought 2 lavender plants, one for us to remember him and one we planted in the garden. I don't visit him often but I'm happy we found a beautiful peaceful resting place for him.

FadedRed · 13/05/2015 20:20

So sorry for your loss Bangalore
This might seem a strange idea, but as you do not want to bury your lost baby in your current garden, what about using a large patio size plant pot that you could put a special plant in and then you can transplant the whole in the future, at a special place or a garden of your own.

tassisssss · 13/05/2015 21:58

hope this helps

you'll never forget

Molio · 13/05/2015 22:09

I asked the hospital to return mine to me, which they did, and buried the small pot in my mother's grave, a little way down, just by myself, without anyone knowing and without asking permission. I felt much better after that. No-one else knows and no-one else needs to know really; it did no-one else any harm.

MeganBacon · 14/05/2015 22:13

So sorry for your loss.
Do you have any heath land close by which you will always have access to? I would bury it near a tree which is particularly beautiful in autumn - I love autumn. Once a year you could go back when the tree is really beautiful and pay your respects. I think it would help you have some closure, and know that you could always "access" that area (gardens are out in case you move), and you see it become something beautiful year after year. And knowing you go back once a year when the tree is at its most beautiful helps you leave it in the past a little in between those visits. I hope that doesn't sound harsh because I know it's with you always - I had multiple miscarriages and you are changed forever I know.

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