Time between death and funeral

[AlexBu123]

Hi All,

A friend of mine lost her only son at the start of April. She had to wait more than 3 weeks to bury him. This is clearly a very traumatic period from death to funeral. I feel that something should be done to speed this process up for grieving parents. Could I ask peoples views on this?

Does the time between death and funeral matter?

If it does, does it also effect the long term coping with the death?

What are the processes of dealing with a child's death over and above an adults death?

What ways might the process be sped up?

Any other thoughts of opinion?

Thanks

Alex

I know it's only in England that the time takes so long. There is usually quite a lot of bureaucracy that needs to be dealt with and this can be a useful time. I don't honestly think it makes a huge difference over the longer term.

But I am so sorry. It's an awful thing to happen. Has she got counselling? Cruse are usually brilliant.

I am very sorry for your friend's loss, Alex. It actually has nothing to do with the death occurring in England and everything to do with the circumstances surrounding the death.

Was a postmortem required?

Our daughter died age 9, in hospital, from complications of cancer treatment. Her cause of death, however, was beyond any certainty and she was buried a week after she died. The delay was only that long because we wanted the funeral to be on a Saturday to accommodate her school friends.

So sorry to hear about your friend.

Here in NI it's normally about three days. It's what we're used to but sometimes, especially with a sudden unexpected death, it can feel a bit rushed. You haven't really had time to come to terms with it before it's all done and 'normal life' is supposed to resume but with a huge gaping hole in it.

The process is no different, it's all about how the death occurred, where it occurred and what type of police involvement might have occurred.

Sometimes it is not possible to speed things up, particularly if the coroner is unsure of the cause of death or if/how many lab tests need to be occurred. Some lab tests require days of culturing, there is no way to speed this up.

Early bereavement after child loss is beyond description. Please do your best to be there for your friend with no judging, suggestions of seeing a doctor for tablets, counselling, etc. There is no way to 'fix' this and the first six months or so are like a bomb blast.

Hi Many thanks for all the replies.

No there was no need for a postmortem.

Alex, was there a coroners report to be completed? This may be the reason and could have delayed the funeral.

Also the population increase and there not being enough services to deal with funerals does seem to mean it can be longer between passing and funeral, undertakers may be delayed if special requests are required for example a particular minister who is busy.

Funerals do seem to take place much later in England than in Ireland. Are there fewer undertakers per head of population, perhaps? Making for a longer wait?

The wait around where I am at the moment is 5-6 weeks and I am not sure any difference would be made for a child unfortunately, although that wait is only for cremations, burial would be quicker I think as the wait is due to works being carried out at the crematorium.

There may have been delay with the funeral director, place of internment then.

Our daughter was in the chapel of rest at hospital for a few days whilst we scrambled around finding a funeral director (even though she had cancer, she was not terminal and died suddenly), then there was time between when the directors came to collect her and when we could see her.

In Scotland, if there is no need for postmortem, police investigation, coroner report or the like, then the death must be registered within 8 days.

All good questions. And I'm so ill equipped to answer them. I've never lost someone close or had any involvement with organising a funeral.

I know some delay was because I think you need two doctors to sign off the death of a child, is this correct?

Also, it same at the tail end of Easter so this didn't help.

But I feel if it were given a higher priority, it could have been faster.

Do people who have been in this situation feel, a longer wait causes harm?

I think it's to do with there being more cremations. Crematoriums work on a kind of treadmill and they are booked up so the funeral depends on how early you can get a slot. Burials are less common (but popular with Catholics so might explain the difference between Ireland and England?) but seem to be able to be arranged much quicker.

Swedish that makes sense!

As othrs have said, there can be reasons - post mortem, investigatons, tests, inquest, but if those aren't needed, it dosn't usually take that long.
That said, if its an unexpected death then it is sometimes helpful to have a little time between the death and the funeral, to be able to take some time to make plans and not just be rushed into decison when you are numb.

X posted, but i reiterate, for many, itcan be helpful to have time to process and give the service some real thought.

'Do people who have been in this situation feel, a longer wait causes harm?'

No, when it comes to losing your child, I'm afraid, the greatest of harm has already been done . It is all a big blur, too, tbh. Most of the first year is.

I can't imagine how awful this is for them. There are no words.

As mentioned, here in Ireland, if you die on a Monday, you're waked on the Tuesday and buried on the Wednesday. Burial is much more common than cremation - I've been to countless burials and have never been to a cremation. My friend is English and has lived here for nearly 20 years. She's used to it now but when she lived here first, she was astonished at the speed of the process here and also at the attendance at funerals here.

It will be 31 days for my father.
He died Easter Sunday (April 5) and will be cremated on Wednesday 6th May.

Various reasons include the backlog of 2 Bank holidays (GF and ES/M) plus weekend, a post mortem/autopsy as it was classed as a sudden, unexpected death, the coroner had to read the report and decided on the official cause of death, Paperwork to be released, death to be registered and then just the practicality of finding a free crematorium and date/time available.

I had no idea it could take so long and we've just been sort of plodding along with life as we've been stuck without a Goodbye yet.
I've coped OK till now. I'm afraid that I'm going to crack after if/when it becomes real.

I'm sorry for your loss, Personal. It must be so hard waiting for the grieving to begin.

Alex you need two signatures for a cremation and one for a burial, but that wouldn't really slow things down considerably.

Time of day for the funeral in a crematorium is more likely to delay the funeral, for example if you want a popular time such as 11 am or 2pm then this could delay the funeral, rather than taking a 9am funeral which isn't a popular time.

ivy is right, it's one doctor for burial and two for cremation. More than likely, it's the holidays and funeral directors.

mine, being waked and buried so soon means that the person was not embalmed or treated so that makes since that it is so soon after death.

3 weeks does seem a long time and since there was no need for postmortem it may be due to backlog at the director's.

But honestly, in the long run, it doesn't make a blind bit of difference . When it comes to child bereavement, it is a loss that is so different as it is entirely against the natural order and beyond comprehension.

Do tell your friend about The Compassionate Friends. This is a charity run by bereaved parents. The support is, well, I don't know where I'd be without TCF.

ivy is right, it's one doctor for burial and two for cremation. More than likely, it's the holidays and funeral directors.

mine, being waked and buried so soon means that the person was not embalmed or treated so that makes since that it is so soon after death.

3 weeks does seem a long time and since there was no need for postmortem it may be due to backlog at the director's.

But honestly, in the long run, it doesn't make a blind bit of difference . When it comes to child bereavement, it is a loss that is so different as it is entirely against the natural order and beyond comprehension.

Do tell your friend about The Compassionate Friends. This is a charity run by bereaved parents. The support is, well, I don't know where I'd be without TCF.

Personal that is a very long wait :(

And yes I will tell her about the compassionate friend thank you.

And thanks for the general feedback. I was applying my own thinking and understanding, which I know as hard as I might try will never reflect the feeling of the grieving parent, as its beyond empathy.

Thank You :)

Even if the death is straightforward and doesn't need a postmortem it can often be something mundane like getting a slot at the crematorium which holds things up. DGM's funeral happened quite promptly because we took an "unpopular" early morning slot at the crematorium, otherwise we would have had to wait at least a fortnight.

Agree, it is super-swift in Ireland. DH can't believe how slow the process is in the UK.

We are going through this now dh dsis was found dead over two weeks ago it was completley unexpected we haven't got a cause of death yet although was in poor health there are other issues too its horrific

And from 13th May the rules are changing. There won't be any cremation forms and certainly in the community GPs will have to do the death certificates on line (printing out a copy for the relatives). Some of the certificates will be followed up by phonecalls to the relatives or carers and some will have another level of investigation but allegedly this won't cause more delays. My big worry is what if the IT system doesn't work (not unheard of) we are not sure if we can hand write the certificates in the community.

My husband died on a Monday and we had the funeral on the friday (cremation), we had a church service before that too. We couldn't get the saturday and didn't want to hold on another week. Some of you have had significant delays though. As someone said up thread though, the first few weeks are a blur