Advise please, bit of a dilemma.

[Mumofagrievingteen]

My teenage DS lost his "best friend" in an accident just over a year go. He remains very sad about the whole thing. It now transpires that they were in a gay relationship, which I'm fine with and it does explain a lot. He would like to meet the other boys parents to "talk" about him and share his memories. As far as I'm aware the parents like us were ignorant of their relationship.
Secondly the mother of this boy who I vaguely know, in terms of I had a coffee with her in a shop once so know her name and went for lunch in her house with lots if other mums is understandably absolutely devastated by loosing her son and Im told by someone more in the know than me rarely meets with anyone or even goes out of the door.
What would you do?
I thought of writing to her asking if she'd like to meet with my DS because he'd like to share some memories.
Any thoughts welcome.

Personally I would say it's not a good idea, if this mum was ignorant to her ds's relationship with your ds it will not help her already (by the sounds of it) fragile state. Your ds clearly is distraught and needs to talk to someone, may I suggest a counseller. You can access free bereavement counselling through your local hospice or with a drs referral, this could be lengthy, or the other alternative is to research private counsellers. As long as you find the right person counselling can really help and is worth the money (if private), my dh has been going for around 9 months and he's the last person who would of entertained going, but she has helped him enormously.

Thanks cath my DS has already received specialist bereavement counselling (from an organisation who specialises in bereaved teens) he hasn't found it helpful at all. In fact contacting the parents was one of their suggestions although they didn't know about the nature of his relationship with this boy.
He wants to share his memories with someone else who was close to him.
It's very difficult my reaction is the same as yours but I wondered if I was over worrying.

I think he should drop her a note/email saying he'd like to talk to her about her son if she would be ok with that- she might like to share memories too, and many people probably will shy away from talking about him, which can be hurtful.

I would advocate being guided by her response. Obviously, he shouldn't go in with a kind of dramatic, soap style revelation! But just a chat and sharing some memories..? Seems ok to me. IF it is with the boy's mother.

Tricky one, but I can only go from my parents point of view when loosing my brother in his early 20s.
His Uni friends were amazing. They went through all the photos of my brother's time at uni, and pulled together an album of his time at Uni before he was ill. They have also phoned, and popped in occasionally when they have been passing our home town.
I'm sure it is bittersweet to see them getting on with their lives, and Christmas cards arriving with Husbands/Wives, and then children added, but they have also taken great pleasure in hosting his friends, and talking about a period of his life they had less insight into due to him living away from home.

However, I think keeping the special relationship your son had with his friend shouldn't be shared with his parents - it should be based as a friendship, not a relationship, unless they bring up the topic.

to all those suffering from the loss of a young life

I doubt my DS would share the b nature of his relationship with the parents. He's an intensely private person definitely not a soap style drama queen. I guess he just wants to talk about him with others who also miss him and don't want to forget him.

Lots of wise advice - one thing that jumps out to me from your post - you say that the counsellors did not know about the nature of the boys' relationship. This might be a reason why the counselling wasn't helpful for your son. Perhaps he should try again but this time try to be as open as he can about his feelings as it does change the situation and the counselling might take a different and more useful turn.

I think that if your DS feels confident about it, I mean up to it, it would be a lovely thing to do. He could send them a note or e mail saying he misses his friend and he thinks of them and he has done photos he would like to go and show them if they would like to see.

What a sad story. Terrible thing to happen.

Thank you all and Daisy in particular for making a point I hadn't considered. He's seen three counsellors including a specialist teen bereavement counsellor, he feels it's his grieve and therefore wants to be alone and private with it. discussing it he feels doesn't help. I suspect this was his first relationship as well, he says all relationships since are clouded by the what would it be like/be doing if it was ....... I was with.

No problem - my brother lost a very close friend, though not a boyfriend, at that age and I still remember the fall out. You are obviously a wonderful mum as he has felt able to confide in you about their relationship. That may be as much as he can do being a private person. Sounds like he needs to celebrate his relationship with his friend not just the friend, if you see what I mean? Maybe encourage him to talk to you about all their happy times if he can so they feel like moments he can hold and cherish rather than things he has lost. So desperately sad for him, it must feel very lonely.

I know it's not the same but could he write about it, possibly with the idea of giving it to his bf parents at some point.

I know it's not the same as sharing memories but writing is very powerful.

A very different situation but I recently lost my baby, I do a lot of writing under guidance of my counsellor. Before I was a bit 'meh' about it but now I realise how powerful it is.

I've recently been asked to write my story, I can't. It's too hard atm.

Is that possibly something he could do, write the story of their relationship, not for anyone else to read but for him to remember.

I'm so sorry for your sons loss.

Life is just shit sometimes in particular of course for this poor family,I can't even begin to imagine how they are feeling. But also for my DS who was just a cheerful, happy go lucky teen without basically a care in the world he's had his life turned upside down by a freak accident.

KittY I'm so sorry you've lots your baby my really heart goes out to you.
It's a very good suggestion writing about their relationship for him to keep. He feels that their joint friends seem to have forgotten him (although he says he knows deep down inside this isn't true). I'm not sure they knew about the true nature of his relationship with this boy. I think he's afraid he will forget him which of course he won't but that's how it feels to him at the moment.
Since this boy died I've listened to two ladies one in her 60's and one in her 80's talk about suddenly loosing a childhood friend both cried even after all this time we don't forget those we love.