Coping with future bereavement advice

[Fourleafedclover]

I hope this isn't out of place here but I'd really welcome advice.

My father is a lot older than my mother and is now by any standards elderly. He is (touch wood) healthy.

I am single, have never married and have no children. I'm in my mid 40s. My siblings all do have children and have become more distant both from me and my parents as they have become involved with their families. As a result, I have become very close to my parents and probably overly emotionally dependent on them.

I have always been worried, like all children I expect, about the death of my parents. But this has become much more accute for me in recent years. I am terrified about the death of either or both of them and that because I am so close to them I won't be able to cope emotionally. I have no children which I think for many people is a practical coping mechanism. I also have no real close friends who live near to me so recognise I will be entirely alone in practical terms.

Is there anything that those who have been through parental bereavement would suggest that I can do now to better prepare myself to be able to cope with it?

It's a bit of a mental pre-occupation with me and was wondering if there is such a thing as pre-bereavement counselling and if there is anyone recommended (I live in London).

My suggestion would be to start living your own life.
You are young. You need to get out and about and build your social circle and use your time doing things you enjoy rather than sitting at home waiting for your otherwise healthy Dad to die!

I'd agree: build your own life and enjoy your time with your parents. While you have them, alongside your own life. Hope it goes well.

My suggestion would be to start living your own life.

I am. It maybe that my original post is misleading in this regard. I have a very high powered and demanding job, a very busy social life and outside interests from work, I also volunteer. But my social life is basically filled with friends-light and work things. I have a couple of close friends but they live a long way a way so I lack a proper day to day emotional support mechanism.

I'm not sitting around waiting for my parent to die.

All I'm saying is that I recognise that this will be especially emotionally traumatic for me because of how close we are and the fact I have no real emotional support. I don't even have a partner to lean on.

So I was asking for practical advice for a way to prepare in advance to cope with bereavement in circumstances where I fear my reaction will be worse than normal because of my emotional closeness/dependency on my parents and my own lack of children/partner.

It maybe the answer is there is nothing to do to prepare but I was hoping for something more substantial/practical.

Hello,
My situation is a little different. My mum was my best friend. She died in Jan just months after being diagnosed with incurable cancer. She was 53. When she was diagnosed, I started to grieve, even though she was still alive. I grieved for her, her lost future, my dad, my children, my siblings and my lost future without her. I didn't know how I would ever cope without her. I thought that I would never be happy again and there seemed to be a cloud of sorrow that followed me around. I started counselling prior to her death to help cope with these feelings-I managed 1 session before she died unexpectedly.
I suggest that you see your GP who may be able to refer you for counselling. We all worry about loved ones dying but if it's affecting your every day life then maybe cognitive behavioural therapy would help? You don't want these feelings to stop you enjoying the present as nobody knows what is around the corner.
Take care x

Hi OP i am sure you feeling are natural it is just that you,ve written them down.Having been faced with both parents having incurable cancer i too have worried how life will be without them.I do have 2 dcs but nothing replaces our parents and it is awful to see loved ones suffering knowing the final outcome.My DF is currently having the hardest time as chemo has been stopped. If i were you i would focus on your healthy Df and be glad he has had a long life.This is what i do when i think of DM and DF passing away i take comfort from the fact they have reached their 70s when many others younger than them have passed away leaving young dcs x

upupand away so sorry for your loss 53 is too young

Thank you whatisforteamum. It's difficult. My youngest sister is only 14 and although a selfish teenager at the moment, thinking it will continue to hit her at certain future milestones.
I keep trying to focus on the time we had together and the 53 years she did have rather than the future she is missing out on x

My Mum is now dying of an illness that she got four years ago, and was always going to be terminal. So I guess I sort of faced the 'how will I cope?' question before it happened for different reasons.

My answer to it was get on with your life, make it the best it can be in your terms, and don't overthink the future. The version of you that had that good time and really went for life can and will cope, whatever your circumstances.

The other thing to say is that you don't even know what those circumstances will be yet - so I don't think you can or should emotionally plan. Of course your parents are older than you, but it could be you getting terminally ill - I'm in my 30s and have had a similarly aged friend diagnosed with a life threatening illness in the last year while her parents remain well. And even though my Mum is dying it could be me, going home, that gets knocked over by a bus and beats Mum to the grave. I doubt of those things will happen to either of us - but they could.

Honestly, I believe that committing to live as fully in the present as possible is the best riposte to death, whether a loved one's or one's own.