A poem from a grieving mummy.

[amyjade]

I thought that time was healing
All the hurt you left behind
That empty spaces could be filled
My arms, my heart, my mind
And though my body looks the same
As it did when you were here
The emptiness is growing
Even bigger with each year

I thought that time was healing
All the agonising pain
That as the tears were fading
Soon I wouldn't feel the same
And though I can be smiling
And you think that I'll survive
The pain is in my blood now
I have nowhere else to hide

I thought that time was healing
All the loss a mother feels
That now you live within my heart
I had you near me still
But I need so much to touch you
To see you smile again
And those memories I'm told are mine
Can never feel the same

I thought that time was healing
All the while the mask was worn
That underneath a new me
Was waiting to be born
But now I find I am the mask
It helps to keep me safe
And though my heart is breaking
You won't see it in my face

I thought that time was healing
All those tears my eyes have seen
That aching arms that miss you
Could be satisfied with dreams
But here I am, in pain again
And healing stands alone
And mother weeps, the world can see
For a daughter who can't come home.

Time will never heal the loss of my beautiful little girl.
It's been nearly 19 months since Freya died and soon she would have been gone longer than she was here. How can this be?
Why did MY daughter have to get meningitis!! life is just so cruel, she was just a baby!!

MUMMMY LOVES AND MISSES YOU SO VERY MUCH MY DARLING LITTLE FREYA. XXXXXXXXXXX

My little one would have been 12 now on Jan 27th 2007 she would have become a teenager.
It never gets any easier you just learn to live with it and that's the best it will ever be.
I think of her everyday and always mention her if people ask me how many children I have as she was my first and most precious one. It's my way of acknowledging her that she existed and was so very loved.

mummylin,

Im amyjades SIL, and the whole family were at Naomi House during Freyas final hours.
We were all able to have some private time with her to say goodbye, and we were then free to use the butterfly suite and the grounds of the house as we needed.
They have been a life saver for Amy and her Dp, and whenever we go back there for memorial days and things we are all made so welcome.

They are so fantastic for families that need them, i now send Freyas christmas present money to them so the other children who are there can benefit from what Freya should have been having.

missymoosal,
for you also.x

izzybiz it is so nice to be able to talk to someone else who actually knows what naomi house is like.sam didnt have a lot of visitors as it seemed to be too far away for people ( we live in Bournemouth ) or they couldnt face what was going on.) But what started as a visit to southampton picu continued when he was sent to naomi house as i said he was only expected to live for at the most two weeks and we wanted to give his parents our support,this turned into eight weeks because sam was such a strong and brave little boy,even though it was not my child it was the most heartbreaking thing i have ever witnessed,I made the food for his wake which was held in the little pub at the bottom of the road and when it was all over we came home and continued to support his parents and brothers ,but i still get very upset by it and havent been able to show my feelings too much because of the strenghth his parents have shown and also because i dont want to show them i am still so sad about it for their sakes. The butterfly room was such a special room and only people who have been there will know what i am talking about ,i used to go in every day leading up to his funeral,although is service was at naomi,he was actually cremated at Basingstoke.I did speak to a memeber of staff on the very first time i went there about how they coped and the answer was " if i can go home and know i have helped one child feel happy today ,then my job is easier" they are all marvelous,and make you feel so welcome.I have had summer xmas dinners in my garden for about 42 people who all donate to it for naomi and we also raised enough money to buy each room a small trolley on wheels,you may of actually seen one.Thanks for answering as i said its so good to speak to someone who actually knows.My deepfelt sympathy goes to amyjade at her loss.i sort of understand, sorry this is such a long message

Mummylin,

Freya also spent time at Southampton PICU.
She was diagnosed with Pneumococcal meningitis on Northbrook ward at Winchester hospital but deteriorated quite quickly so she was transfered to Southampton where they battled for 7 days to save her but she sadly made no improvement and suffered massive brain damage which left her unable to even swallow.
The thought of her dieing in the middle of an intensive care unit and then having to leave her there terrified me so when Naomi house was mentioned it was a relief that we didn't have to leave her.
We had around 6 hours with Freya in the Fox room after they removed her ventelator, it was the worse 6 hours of my entire life and something i will never forget or come to terms with.
Freya's funeral was 10 days later which Naomi house helped us arrange. We made the decision not to go back in the butterfly room after we had tucked her up in bed, she was not my Freya anymore and i wanted to remember her as my beautiful, healthy little girl not how she was when she died, she really looked so poorly.
I was happy enough to let the staff go in everyday and check her, they played a CD for her and left the light on when it got dark all these little things were a huge comfort for us.

hello amyjade It has been so nice to speak with you and your sis in law,i understand you completely,the reason i went in so often was because evry evening when we left naomi i would always say to sam " see you on sat sam " and i never ever said goodbye and i still didnt until the day of his funeral,then i knew i had to it was my last chance.sam had brain tumours which just kept growing in spite of southamptons best efforts.One thing that struck me at naomi how the children who were there were all so smiley and happy,it makes you realise that probs that i think i have had are nothing.good luck to you and your family and if i go up to naomi at xmas to deliver some tins of sweets i will look and see if there is a picture of your little girl on the wall.take care, i will think of you and your little Freya often

this thread is so touching Im so SO sorry for your less

Such a beautiful poem.

Mummylin & Amyjade,

Naomi House sounds wonderful - it must be nice to have found other people who have been there. I'm in tears reading your stories, as they are not just sad words, but they have real meaning to me and anyone else who has lost a child. My heart goes out to you both. Unless you've lost a child or one close to you in those sort of circumstances, others just cannot understand what is like.

We chose to have our little boy die at home, which was right for us and him. After a 9 week battle, my son's last day was so tough and I find it so painful. We kept him at home for the night, as he died in the early evening, but we said our final goodbye when he was taken away in the morning. He had been very ill and he too looked so poorly - we wanted to try and remember him as our cheeky little boy.

Our symptom care nurse and team at GOSH, ran a 24hr on call service to support families to have their little ones die at home if they wished. We could not have managed without them and like the staff at Naomi House, and all other hospices - we are so lucky that people are prepared to do such emotionally demanding work. They are such wonderful wonderful people and they make such a difference.

Thinking of your big bump amyjade.....it's a time of such mixed emotions. As my due date gets nearer I'm worried about how I'll cope with it all. I'm really missing him and I'm finding it hard to sort through his baby stuff. Have you any advice?

galmum yes it is a wonderful place i only wis that the government would realise that they need funding,naomi relies on donations from the public and corporate businesses.if they could only realise what actually goes on there,at the time of Sams death naomi was the only hospiceto serve seven different areas,i am pleased to say that Bournemouth now has one which has recently opened ,but my heart will always be now for naomi. the owners of the land that naomi is built on takes only a peppercorn rent which is a dozen red roses on mid-summers day yearly.the house is named after the land-owners daughter and she recieves the roses annually. isnt that lovely .i am very very sorry for the loss of your son.How old was he ? Good luck to you and amyjade with your new babies.

amyjade here is my email i have something i would like to send you ,that i had several of given to me by sams dad.It is nothing religious just something very pretty i would like you to have from me in memory of your dear little girl.
could you email me an address where i can send it to you ? [email protected].

He was 3 years old.

how terribly sad for you and your family ,i have no words to help only that i am thinking of you at this time.Hopefully your new baby will bring loads of joy to you all and help you to overcome some of your sadness,i know that another child dosent replace the one you have lost,you can never do that ,but im sure he /she will bring its own joy to you and help you move on a bit.good luck

Hi Galmum,
I found sorting through Freya's baby things easier than i thought it would be.
Freya was 19 months when she died so the baby clothes where not as painfull to look at as her big girls clothes.
Libby even wore Freya's white newborn sleepsuits when she was born as will this new baby but the other clothes i have put away safe.

You will cope with your new baby Galmum, it is
hard at times especially when you find yourself doing things you did with your little boy and you feel guilty for doing them.
Nothing is easy in life after losing a child, everyday is a battle, some days are good some are so bad i wonder how i am going to cope with the rest of my life without Freya
all i know is that i am amazed with myself for surviving the past 18 months and being able to care for another child while the grief is still so raw but i have managed and Libby is a happy little girl who knows nothing about the sadness she was born into and for that i am gratefull.
The most important thing is that this new baby will fill your empty arms and give you a reason to smile again.

Keep an eye on the birth announcements thread next week and i will let you know how things went with the birth.
Only 4 days to go!!!