Relationship with parents after losing a sibling

[Paddingtonthebear]

For those, like me, who have lost a sibling, I wonder if you could share what your relationship is like with your parents / other siblings now?

Thank you in advance ??

Anyone?

If you look back through some older threads you will find that I wrote quite a lot about exactly this issue.

"My twin brother died in 1964 from an asthma attack on the way home from our primary school. Looking back I don't think that I was ever given any support after Stephen died. Certainly not from the school, Stephen became a non-person, never to be mentioned again. We had twin desks in the classroom and of course he and I had been put together but after he died I just sat at the same double desk on my own.

Mum was allowed, even encouraged, by the family and the community to show emotion but Dad and I were expected to do the old stiff upper lip job. It isn't surprising that I ended up bitterly resented Stephen for years, certainly well into my 20s. Every nice thing that ever happened to me seemed to be tainted by his death and I, stupidly, started thinking that I didn't matter to my parents.

I suspect that the main reason it took me close to 50 years to find closure was due to the lack of support in the 12 months after Stephen died and it makes me as mad as hell to think that!"

I didn't have any other siblings and my Parents both died some years ago. But what I could say to the OP is that sibling death changed all my family relationships and not for the better! :(

Thank you for your reply. I've tried to search for your previous posts on this subject but it isn't working for some reason. Sorry for your loss

It is very difficult. As a family we do not "do " feelings so we do not talk about the missing members and there is too much left unsaid. It is now too late to start to change, a lifetime has passed. My sibling died when I was a child and I still grieve every day for what we lost, and always will. It doesn't help that I was the "naughty" child and my sibling was the "good" child and I always felt deep down that the wrong child died. I also never know whether to describe myself as an only child or not.

I think it will be very different for those who lost siblings as adults though. Back in the 60s/70s/80s grief was dealt with very differently to now.

Do you have a specific issue you want to talk about?

I was in my 20s when my brother died very suddenly because of an illness.

We were always closer than either of us were with our older brother, though that was more to do with age gaps than anything else. I have very little to do with my older brother now. A lot of that is due to how he has distanced himself from our family. He does all the things he's 'supposed' to do, but there's no real connection between him and me or our parents. It's sad, but it feels as if he resents having a family, and I feel like I've gone from having 2 brothers, to none.

I get on well with my parents. My Dad finds it all very hard, so I tend not to have the emotional conversations with my Dad. It has brought my Mum and I closer though. It's not like we had any problems, but at this point, we have cried, laughed, screamed, sobbed, snotted over each other so much, that it's just made us be really close.

Unfortunately since my sister has passed away I only have contact with my one of my other sisters, my mum, step dad, and two of my brothers. We were all pretty estranged to begin with but Holly's death has pushed the whole family apart. I feel that because I wasn't as close with Holly in her final year I'm not seen as being allowed to grieve as much as the others but I'm finding it hard to cope. My contact with the few members of family is extremely strained and is very irregular.

My (technically, half) brother died a couple of years ago from cancer. Our mum and his dad coped with it remarkably well, lots of crying and expression. By no means is he a taboo subject, we enjoy talking about him all the time. My dad was quite good about it, but my stepmother and siblings have not once mentioned my brother's death, even immediately afterwards. I'm furious about it - especially now that my father is getting dementia, and they expect emotional support from me on a constant basis (whilst still never mentioning my brother)

I suppose my situation proves that these things can go either way!

I lost my only sibling very suddenly in my 20s. He was 3 years older than me. I did feel guilty for being the child who survived and felt (irrationally) he would have been more successful in life than me had he survived.

Thankfully, I still have a good relationship with my parents. Although we are still devasted by his loss nearly 20 years later. We still talk about him and include his memory in our everyday conversations.

I do struggle when people ask about whether I have siblings. I don't feel like an only child as I had a sibling for all my childhood.

I think now my my parents have 3 dgc, they have something else to focus on which helps in some ways. Although, I know we will miss him everyday and wonder what might have been had he lived.

I lost my brother two years ago, he was 37 and it was very sudden. My mum died three years earlier, and I was never very close to my dad. I think I'm less close now my brother has died. It's awful but I have a DS and a fiancé, and that's my family now.

Hi. My dsis was killed in an accident nearly 16 yrs ago. We have a large family so there were always different dynamics /friction but we always rubbed along. Mostly. Since my sister died it hasn't get any better tbh. I don't speak to my brother. But who knows if that would have happened anyway.
We speak of my sister lots. And now I have DC of my own they know all about her.
I think the pressure of grief does show the strains on a strong relationship but if there are cracks in the first place then it's bound to have a detrimental effect.

Would anyone who has been through this recommend a book, there isn't a huge amount out there that focuses on sibling grief and that seems to be a common thought, siblings are the "forgotten grievers"

I can't recommend a book I'm afraid - I wish I could. My elder sibling died nearly 20 years ago and I wish I had accessed some form of counselling or therapy to deal with it all when I was younger. Like another poster, my Mother was encouraged to grieve while my Dad and I were just left to get on with it - my Mother suffered the 'real' loss and our suffering was less important and significant than hers, apparently.
I struggle constantly with being left as an only child and having to deal with my parents as they get older and more annoying
My DCs deflect a lot of the attention, which helps.
Sorry I can't be more helpful

There's a terrible problem with our language that there just aren't the words needed in awful situations. Someone is an orphan if their parents die and a widow/er if their spouse dies, but what do you call a parent whose only child has died? There should be words to explain to someone simply that a sibling or child has died.

I can't imagine how difficult it is if someone asks casually, "Do you have any children?" or "Do you have any brothers and sisters?" and you did but now you don't - what do you say without going into everything, which probably wouldn't be what either of you want.

There should be a word that says everything, like orphan or widow, that allows the other person to leave a respectful silence or "I'm so sorry" and then move on.

to all of you who have lost someone close to you.

Am just posting as it's not often I find people who have experienced similar things to me, even though my experience was kind of different.

I didn't actually lose a sibling as such as she died before I was born, and her death was actually the reason for my birth - I was a "replacement child". So obviously I never knew her, but she was part of my family too.

I can really relate to what others have said about survivor's guilt - massively - and to the difficulty of answering the question of how many siblings I have. I grew up as the younger of two children, but in fact was the youngest of three. They had me to put things "right" again, to be a "normal" family with two children, but of course the fracture was there.

I am now totally NC with both my parents and my only living sibling (who was DC1 and very young when our sister died) after decades of EA from all of them. I became the family scapegoat, I think they unconsciously blamed me for her death, irrational as that is, or perhaps they just needed an outlet for all their anger and I was the easiest target. Cutting myself off from them was incredibly hard but it was literally the only way I had a chance of having a normal life for myself.

to all of you.

I lost my brother 8 years ago, he was suffering from mental illnesses an threw himself of a window. It was very sad and traumatic, but my dad reacted in trying to get closer to me and succeeded, despite his shortfalls during my childhood we ended up being the best of friends. I miss them both terribly.

sausageheart, your story touched me. I lost a baby before having my beautiful daughter and even tho I'm a changed person forever following this loss, I hope it doesnt impact on her too much. He's my first born and she is my miracle baby. One day, I will have to tell her about him, I just don't know when or how.

The questions about how many sibblings I have or if I have any more children are tough to answer.

siblings are the "forgotten grievers" How true. I have no book recommendations. My brother died 21 years ago. I think of him every day.
My mother died of BC but grief really. My dad died last month but he was very old. I still grieve for my brother but not so much for my parents. People in general could not have cared less about my feelings - that sounds harsh but it's true. Also my family's life was turned upside down because we had to support my parents travelling 100s of miles regularly to see them. This is despite the fact that I was the scapegoat and my brother was the golden child. God that feels good to get out. No answers really.