finding it difficult; missing my mum

[Hjb2410]

Hello
I recently came to this page after my mum very suddenly passed away two days before christmas, i found alot of help and comfort from this page during the initial difficult period.
So a couple of months have passed and i guess we have got into a routine but i dont like it; how can i get used to my mum not being here?

Ive gone from being a 23 year old lady without a care (not much anyway) to looking after and caring for my nana and grandad; my grandad has dementia. Also practically running my house, doing all the cooking, cleaning and organising of all appointments, bills etc in my parents house

Ive just gone back to work this week, doing a phased return and work have been ok with me. Im a dental nurse; which i absolutely loved doing before losing my mum. I had to carry out cpr on my mum which was unsuccessful :( im so scared of having to do it in work (i know that scenario is very unlikely but i never thought i would have to carry it out on my mum for the first time :()

Im putting on a brave face but truth be told i miss her so much, she was my best friend. as much as i try i cant turn back time or make things any different then they are, as much as i want to turn back time i cant :( why is life so unfair. I know ive rambled alot, but i miss my mum, she was my best friend the person i went too about everything and i feel all alone :( even though i have so many people around me.

Hjb,I am very sorry about your mum, and I feel devastated for you for all you're trying to deal with. You are coping with so much more than you should have to. The grief of losing your mum is hard enough.
Do you have any one else who could help with your grandparents? there are dementia support workers if you needed one.
Remember at work you will never be alone in dealing with any emergencies, there will always be a team around to help. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this with your mum.
I wish we could turn the clocks back too, every day I wish this.
Keep talking on here or to a friend, it helps to let the feelings out abit.
Sending you love and a hug xx

You poor love, no wonder you're feeling this way. How's your dad coping with this? Is anyone supporting you just now? It sounds like you're supporting a lot of folk.

@jenmac22
We only live five doors from my grandparents so it's easy in that way. We have got Alzheimer's society and age concern and social services involved but they seem reluctant to accept help.
I'm doing the best I can but I feel like it's me on my own making all the decisions for them.

I guess so, I just feel people at work don't understand my reluctantness to be on my own in a surgery and that. Like before we went out for tea and a medical emergency happened right near us. I panicked and couldn't stop shaking. It totally threw me, I can't stop crying.

I wish I could. I feel so alone. i just want my mum back. People look at me and think I'm ok but I just put on this front. I'm an absolute mess at times - tonight's just one of them, how can I be ok? Everything reminds me of my mum :(

I find it helps talking on here x

@queenofthepirates
I guess I'm supporting everyone else and there's no one really supporting me. I have my boyfriend but I get the feeling that he thinks I'm ok and if I don't say anything then he just accepts that I'm ok. I understand why sometimes but I just feel alone x

Aw it's just so unfair, you're so young to be dealing with this.
You should speak with your supervisor at work and quietly explain, they will then have the responsibility of guiding you through any incidents at work.
I understand your grandparents reluctance for help,but at least if you feel it's too much for you,you know how to access it.
The wearing of a mask is sometimes the only way I can keep going, but it's so important for you to be able to take it off. Let your boyfriend know how you are feeling, and speak here anytime.
You're the same age as my oldest boy would be, and as a mum I can tell you that your mum will be so very proud of you right now xx

You poor thing. This is truly horrible time for you. No advice unfortunately - just be kind to yourself. You cannot take on the care of your grandparents so don't even try. Just do what you can and leave the rest to the professionals.

I don't think you can get used to your mum not being here.

When my mum died it actually got harder over the first 18 months because it got longer and longer since I had been with her and we had all the firsts to get through - birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas etc.

Eventually tho, a different 'normal' happens. But of course I still miss her. How could I not?

When my mum died a relative wrote to me that a mother's love never dies. Such a small sentence, but I continue to find it a huge comfort to remember that.

I do think it's important to talk to people at work about how you are feeling. On top of everything else, this is just too much for you to cope with by yourself.

I think I'm trying to keep us all together / I guess how my mum would have done things but I guess the reality is; life's never going to be the same again. I find it over whelmes me sometimes that I can't actually believe it's happen; I feel like I've been living a nightmare and I'm waiting to wake up but then the harsh reality is im never going to. I'm never going to see my mum again :( and it breaks my heart. I can't get over it and I can't move on from it, I think people think I am but it's just this front that I put on that I'm ok and im managing but I can't get used to it.

We put my mums ashes into the memorial garden on Saturday and I went to visit tonight on my way home from my boyfriends, I thought I would feel comfort having somewhere to go but when I got there it hit me that this is where I go now to speak to my mum; how unfair is that? I can't speak to her in person again :(

My dad and nana said not to get expensive things to put in the garden incase they get stolen but I want to get things to put in it; do you have any ideas what I can get? I don't want it to be empty because my mum had a heart full of gold! Xx

You sound like a loving daughter and granddaughter. I don't know if it's possible to plant a small plant like a rosebush or lavender or maybe leave a little photo in an inexpensive frame? We sometimes just leave a shell or small stone just as a little marker to say we've stopped by.

It's peculiar walking into the home when it feels as if you open the door and only miss them by seconds as if they just went upstairs or are busy in the garden.

(There's a poem about dealing with loss that starts, "I have only slipped away into the next room", which I thought captured that).

I am not very good at unsubscribing online so get reminders from florists and chocolate shops about Mother's Day. All anniversaries since your DM died are difficult dates the first year or two. In a bygone era the bereaved wore black and curtailed their diaries and outsiders respected that everyday life would be affected. Nobody wants stifling formality or to be dictated to about grieving but now we're almost expected to carry on very quickly. Don't worry about putting on a brave face 24/7.

At the same time it's not selfish or forgetting your DM if you go out socially or catch yourself laughing. Your bf may not fully grasp your loss but he's probably doing his best.

I know you are trying to pick up the threads of everyday life. Routine however dull can keep us putting one foot in front of the other. In time your confidence will come back. You're still healing.

Hjb2410 i am so sorry for you loss.It is very early days so look after yourself.Maybe in time your Gp my refer you for councelling my dh had this when his Df died and it helped him to know that he had done his best by him.

I like the idea of leaving a photo frame and pictures. I picked a pink rose plant and left it for her the other day - I couldn't leave it empty! She loved her roses :)
I agree I think people think because we look ok and seem to be getting on ok then we definitely are ok- I'm far from it. I feel in a bubble and that I don't want to open my mind to the fact she's cant. I just can't believe it! Still I find it hard to believe that she's gone.

I'm meant to be going out tonight for a few drinks for my friends birthday with my boyfriend. I'm really worried about going, I'm constantly anxious and ive lost my confidence. I don't feel confident in how I look anymore and almost feel like everyone there tonight is going to be like she's the one who lost her mum - almost like it will define who I am?
I agree doing routine does help me through the days but sometimes I sit and think why bother?

I've been referred for counselling; been waiting awhile as there is a long waiting list apparently
Xx

I'm so sorry - you've had a hell of a time of it. I'm glad you're going for counselling - as well as the bereavement itself, I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some post-traumatic stress from the experience of having to do the CPR etc.

What I learnt was not so much that it got easier, but that I learnt to manage the grief better. It just became part of me and eventually I realised that it wasn't stopping me from being happy. You never really get your head around the unfairness - all you can tell yourself is that it wasn't always unfair, that you did have a wonderful mum who loved you. And talk to your boyfriend - just because people have no real understanding of what you're going through, it doesn't mean they won't be there for you and give you support. Don't go out tonight if you can't face it - take your time with these things.

That pink rosebush sounds ideal and it's good to hear you're on the waiting list for counselling.

In my first year of university one girl that I knew of lost her DM I guess she was 18. We felt awful for her though not quite sure how best to help. And xx years' later I remember we sympathized but you know it didn't define her. She was simply {name} and she was a lovely person then and ever after - not 'the poor girl whose DM died'.

I get that you feel adrift and nervy and worried about how your friends might react; but however clumsily they express it, they will likely follow your lead. It needn't be anything elaborate and I'd give alcohol a miss for a bit but try something low-key that gets you out of the house for a couple of hours and a change of scene as soon as you feel up to it.

I think it's very natural to have a crisis of confidence after a trauma and so pace yourself, take small steps, you don't have to prove anything to anyone.

I think I am suffering from post traumatic stress; that's all I can think about at times. I thought it would get alittle bit easier but I'm finding it's getting harder and harder as the days go on. I can't believe it's happened. I watched fast and furious 7 today and as much as I love the films and love Paul walker and was gutted when he died, I couldn't let the tears fall for him I cried today because of my mum; because I'm living this bloody nightmare that everyone else feels like they are living with losing Paul walker, an actor not a relative or a parent! Don't get me wrong I was sad about it but my mums just died I can't accept that. I don't know when I will or if I will but I'm heartbroken by it. I'm doing day by day and look like I'm ok but im not. However do I have another choice? I don't know what to do?
I feel like I have to drink to forget what's happened. I don't sleep very well I have nightmares and imagine that I can hear my mum, it breaks me when I wake up and realise what's happened; so I have a drink to help me sleep and help me not focus on what's happened; not sure whether it's a good or a bad thing tbh. X

This is my beautiful mums rememberance garden so far :) I placed the tulips and photo today; thank you @DonkeysDontRideBicycles for the idea :)

It looks beautiful xx

I had my first counselling session today; the lady made me realise that I've not accepted what's happened and I'm far from accepting it.

It's mine and my boyfriends two year anniversary this weekend; even that's ended in tears- we've had an argument :(
Argument started over a holiday, I want to go away because everything that's happened recently has made me think sod it life's too precious and is far too short. However my boyfriend wants to save for a house which right now I'm not in that frame of mind. I can't win. I don't know what to do and he's just said he wanted to propose to me on Mexico (which was where we were thinking of going) now even that surprise is ruined.

All I want is my mum; I don't have anywhere to turn to :( I feel all alone, I've got this barrier up and I'm scared to let it down. I'm finding it hard at home with my dad and brother; its me doing everything aswell as looking after my grandparents and now this with my boyfriend.
I'm tired of it :( I don't know what to do :(

hey hun, my mum died when i was 19. i'm 25 now and understand how you are feeling completely. i still have days where i am in tears non-stop thinking about my mum, and shes the first person i wish i could talk to whenever anything happens and when i feel sad. it's totally normal and especially now when it was so recent. but i promise you, it DOES get easier. you may think thats a load of rubbish, as i did when people would tell me, but honestly you do find ways to cope and enjoy your life. your mum wouldnt want you to be upset, she would want you to be happy :)