Great Aunt died today.not sure how to feel really.that makes me feel worse!

[mumandlovingit]

my great aunt (83) died this morning/over night in her sleep.

full story:
big bust up (her & uncle's fault) when i was around 7 and the family didnt have contact with her until i was around 18 when my great uncle died and she contacted the family and tried to make ammends.

things weren't too bad and then she started getting dementia and other things and gradually forgot who we were and got upset when we went round so my mum was her carer for te last couple of years and we saw her a few times during the year and at xmas etc.

she was put into a care home by her social workers referral at the beginning of september as she couldnt cope at home anymore and had got alot worse and kept wandering into the street at night etc.

i feel guilty because part of me is upset but part of me feels numb because she hasnt been a huge part of our lives for such a long time and she hasnt been herself for such a long time that its hard to sink in that she's not here now.

dont know what to tell the kids as they're 4 and 5 and didnt go see her in the home anyway.i dont want them to go to the funeral as i think it would be too much for them which means i cant go either.dont know if thats a good thing or not.

has anyone else lost a family member in a similar situation? i just dont know how to feel and feel guilty when i think that maybe it was for the best, she went without any pain and isnt getting upset and confused anymore.

sorry no real advice to give you just wanted to say take it a day at a time and feel however you feel.
Is there no one that could look after your little ones while you go to the funeral?

Sure someone will be along soon whos a bit more help.

thanks

the only people that look after my children are my mum and dad who will be at the funeral.

we dont let dp's parents look after them because of previous isues and the kids wouldnt be happy with that either.

i think i'll just have to see when the funeral is & plan from there.

i just dont know how to feel.

Message withdrawn

id like to go to say my goodbyes but if it doesnt work around the kids at school then i'll stay with them and go when its finished to pay my respects.

is there no one from school that could watch your DCs for a while if funeral overlaps home time?
Any mumsnetters near you that could help out?

Just to say my great uncle died 2 weeks ago. I know how you're feeling, as I felt terrible about not going to his funeral - in the end only 4 people turned up, and despite all his faults, he deserved better than that (his ex-wife didn't go, his son came but only at the last minute). But you can ask someone to send and receive texts before and after the funeral (that helps, as you feel part of it), and keeping in touch with people who are going makes it feel OK. Everyone will understand if you don't want your DC to attend a funeral at their age, so I'm sure they'll appreciate the fact that you care.

the funeral has been arranged for morning when my children are at school so that i can go.

i told the children this morning.they havent really said alot.my youngest doesnt really understand and the eldest just asked to write on the flowers card when i said we had to go choose some today.didnt know how much funeral flowers cost until i rang up today.around £70 its going to cost! i know i sound stingy but i really havent got that amount of money sitting around for flowers.

i got upset last night and cried on my dp's shoulder.i feel quite weird again today.i think its because ive never been involved in funeral arrangements before and now im having to go pick out flowers etc.it makes the situation too real i suppose.

i'll just take it a day at a time and see how things go and be ready to answer any questions the children might have.i havent told them about the funeral as they dont understand.they just know that she's gone to be a star with their dog.it makes them happy to know people they love are looking down on them.

take it a day at a time mumandlovingit

our neighbour (we were quite close) died a few weeks back (I did a thread on it in this topic at the time). I felt completely numb and really didn't know how to feel. I realise now that this was completely normal.

I felt strange about going to the funeral and was worried about losing it but once I was there, I was so glad I went and looking back, I would now feel awful if I hadn't made that effort.

I still have days when I get upset about it now. If you don't want to do the flowers, you could always go and visit the grave afterwards with just a few cut ones. It's not the size of the bouqet that counts.

As for the children, mine are 6 and 4 and I found the best policy was to be honest. Mine wrote letters for her child and also drew some pictures and made a little pillow for her to go on her gravestone (because they were worried that her head wouldn't be comfortable in the coffin - this made me sob and sob!!).

I really don't think you need to be spending £70 on flowers TBH. Obviously it is up to you but when my grandparents died we just had one large arrangement which was included in the funeral costs and all wrote on cards. Then donated money to an appropriate charity. Or alternatively you could just get a small arrangement rather than an actual funeral wreath.

I am glad you are able to go because IMO it would not have been appropriate to take your DCs to the funeral of somebody they did not really know well but it does sound as though it will help you with the grieving process. Hope you are feeling OK.

ive been and ordered the flowers.the kids played up when i was there.typical.

there arent alot of people going to the funeral that we know of as she only had our family.no real friends as such.thats why we wanted to get flowers each so that there are more.

you dont realise how much there is to sort out and organise with these things.the care home will wanting her belongings picked up and the bill settled.

now ive got my feelings sorted better and im over the initial shock and accepting the fact that she's gone and the funeral is tuesday it doesnt look like i'll be able to go

my eldest son had a urine infection last wee.he had antibiotics and seemed better but since friday he's seemed very tired and pale and today he's got a temperature.it's been going up to 38.5 in between doses of paracetamol.

ive now put him on ibuprofen as well but he'll be going to the doctors tomorrow as he says his neck hurts and he usually ends up with tonsillitis!

feel quite weird as i doubt he'll be at school tuesday as i want to make sure he's right first.that means i wont be going to the funeral.i havent got anyone else who can have him whilst im there.