What do I tell my 5 yr old DD?

[Sugarmagnolia]

My grandfather died recently and we spent a lot of time talking to DD about what it meant to die, your body being buried in the ground, your soul going to heaven...
She was sad but seemed to accept it and spent a lot of time talking to us about how she was feeling. She even came along to the funeral (closed casket and we didn't take her to the cemetery, just the service). But a good friend of mine has just lost a baby at 38 weeks (I posted about that as well). I haven't told my DD yet but I'm sure she will notice the next time we see this person that she no longer has a bump but doesn't have a baby. How can i tell my 5 year old about babies dying? It's hard enough for me to cope with and every time I try to talk about it I just end up crying.

Hi Sugarmagnolia,
I think that you might tell her that some babies just do not make it. It is hard to find the right words because you don't want to get your dd scared of dying, but imho I think it is always better to be honest with the child. As you said, she will notice anyway and what she might think when she is told nothing may be much worse in her mind than knowing that the baby is in heaven - and that the Mummy is terribly sad. I have experienced that kids have some kind of antenna for things like that, and their honest feelings are always so obvious and they just have a way to deal with things - can help the adults as well because kids somehow seem to know the right things to say - or say nothing at all.... Am I making myself clear or is this nonsense? Good luck to you and my heart goes out to your friend.... soooo sad!!!!

I know some people say things like "the baby was such a special and beautiful soul that God took him/her to be an angel instead", but I'm not really religious so I don't know how you would feel about that. I often think about what I would tell ds1 if this happened to us, it's very difficult.

So sorry this has happened to your friend.

Yes, definitely be honest and keep it simple and brief. Let her ask you questions if she wants, but try to be as factual and sensitive as you can - the baby died and went to heaven (if that's what you believe in) and the mummy is very, very sad. Tell you are very, very sad too so she can understand why she might see you crying, and don't be afraid to cry in front of her - it all helps for both you and her.

At 5 she will be able to understand most of it but will not necessarily remember it all so she may well come back and ask you more questions later when she's thought about it. It just takes them a bit of time to process all the information you give them.

I'm so sorry you're in this siutation and having to talk this through with her, but I guess the main thing to remember is to be as open and honest as possible so that your dd doesn't feel that there's any secrecy or fear involved.

DS came home one day and told me that his friend's mummy's baby had died in her tummy (which I knew ... it was a miscarriage at 3 months, not a stillbirth though, don't know if this is seen as the same??). I told him that this happens sometimes. He asked if I had ever had a baby die in my tummy. So I answered honestly and just said, "Yes" (again an M/C at 12 weeks rather than a stillbirth).
He wanted to know details - when, where, how old was he (DS was nearly 3), did it hurt, was I sad and WHY?
I answered all the questions honestly without gory details and to the WHY question I said that it wasn't that baby's right time to be born and no one knows really why these things happen for sure. He took that on board and in a later discussion I told him that if that baby had been born we wouldn't have had DD ... that made him think a bit and he said he is glad to have DD around.
I think with young children HONESTY that is within their understanding is the best way ....
Sorry about your friend

Thanks for all the replies. Do you know the funny thing is I'm not sure exactly what I believe. But DD asked me if people go to heaven when they die - she's heard it from friends or school - so I went with that. It seemed so much better to be able to tell her that than that we have no idea what really happens when people die. It seemed to comfort her. Then she said people couldn't go to heaven if you put them in the ground which led to the whole body/soul discussion (this was all in relation to my grandpa).

Yes, it was my 4yo who brought it home to me how shockingly corporeal and brutal the whole death/burial process really is. I can't cushion it for him, really. I find it very difficult to answer his questions (he's interrogating me about everything at the moment - God, sex, death, the lot ). In his particular case I find that taking the "people believe lots of different things, nobody knows who is right" line is best, because it appeals to his fact-finding side. We explore each quesion like a mystery and find out about different belief systems and the different answers people have come up with through history (though on a fairly simple level, he's only 4). I think his fascination with problem-solving takes over from any trepidation he might have been feeling. I know the "God took XXX to be an angel" line is probably more comforting, but I think ds1 would know my heart wasn't in it. I think it's one of the most difficult things we have to do as parents, deciding how to broach these huge questions, each child is so different, and these are questions we really don't know the answers to!

Sorry, what a ramble .

Greeny, I like the 'No one knows whos right' line. ILs are practicing Christians and have childrens books with Jesus and God references which I know DS is going to start asking questions about soon.

I don't really like the "God took x to be an angel" because that brings up all sorts of questions about WHY God would do that and WHY God would take a baby and is God mean and do I even believe in God, etc, etc. But I think the idea that somebody's "soul" can stay around after they die is less overtly religious if you know what I mean. I actually didn't use the word soul - that came from DD - school and friends again I think. But the idea that some part of a person could still be around. We talked about the idea that someone who has died could still look after us and she said, "Yes, like in the Lion King when Mufasa tells Simba that all the kings of the past are watching over him!" She liked that one.

Sge also said to me "mummy, some people believe that you come back after you die" ! To that I replied, well yes some people do believe that, what do you think? And she said, no she didn't think that happened. phew!