Dealing with MC when nobody knew you were pg

[Hayls]

I found out I was pg at just over 5 weeks and had a mc only a week later (last week). Only my mum, sister and best friend knew about the pregnancy and since the mc I have told a few other members of my family and another close friend. Thing is, there is a group of about 7 of us that have children the same age and we meet up regularly (one of which knows the whole story)- I'm not terribly close to them but we got on really well and enjoy seeing each other regularly, with and without kids. Two of them are pg atm and due a month or so before I would have been and I'm worried about seeing them and dealing with lots of baby talk and the inevitable 'do you think you'll have another one' conversations. At the same time, I don't really want to talk about it and have bucket loads of sympathy as I am trying to move on a bit and stop dwelling on it. I am interested in their pgs and the babies etc but atm I don't feel able to deal with having it round me; I do want to continue seeing them and supporting them and I don't want them to feel they can't talk to me about things. However, I don't know if it would be better all round if I told them. It almost seems unfair to keep something that was so important to me a secret, as if I'm pretending the baby never existed when it meant so much to me

I'm sorry if this makes no sense (it doesn't really to me either) but if anybody has some words of wisdom I would be very grateful. I keep thinking I am OK and dealing with it well but in truth I don't think I am.

So sorry Hayls.

Could you ask the friend to knows everything to explain to the others what has happened and that you don't want to dwell on it/talk about it but may be a bit sensitive?

I think it must be harder to try to act "normal" when no-one knows whereas if people know you don't have to pretend to feel "up" all the time.

That's exactly it, Budabeast. I could ask my friend to say something but I'd feel a bit silly and would be wondering what they were saying when I wasn't there and if they'd wonder why I didn't tell them. Totally irrational I know! Plus she's unlikely to see them before I do- we're due to meet up for HAlloween at my house next week so I need to decide before then anyway. Might be easier if I tell them this week so they dpn't have to 'deal' with me straight away.

I agree that you should ask your friend that knows to tell the others. With each of my m/c only a few people knew I was pg, but I have been quite public about the m/cs as I think it helps people understand why I'm not as normal-it especially helped at work when I broke down after someone announced she was pg (she didn't know about my m/c), as at least I had some shoulders to cry on and people to support me-they told me off for coping so well in public and told me that I needed to show how I felt a little more (I'd been using work as an escape to how I felt)
Hope this makes sense

I'm so sorry for your m/c, and for your dilemma. It's really difficult, isn't it. I had a m/c in May this year, at about 10 weeks, and similarly hadn't told many people at all. I told many more about the m/c than I had about the pregnancy, but almost nobody at work, and none of the wider family. Now I'm pregnant again, and have just told people, I'm not sure that was such a good idea. I know that some people did notice that we were really subdued over the summer, and wondered why. And I think others wonder why we don't seem to be more simply delighted over this pregnancy - we're still fearful about it.
But on the other hand, I know what you mean about fearing the sympathy (and if you're anything like me, your own subsequent collapse). In fact what I found harder to deal with was the most surprising people just saying oh dear, how unfortunate, are you going to try again - and leaving it at that.
This isn't very helpful, is it! But I thought maybe sharing what we've found might be useful.

Hi Hayls,

I had a miscarriage at the start of Sept, 11 weeks pg but baby died at 8 weeks. We had only told our parents and 1 close friend each. However we have told a lot more people about the miscarriage.

My boss told everyone at work before I returned and explained that when I came back I did not want to talk about it. Although the first day was hard it has been OK since then. If I want to talk about it I know I can without having to explain everything and then I am in control of who I speak to and when.

Same goes for friends, some of whom are pregnant (see my other thread on Coping with a friends new baby). For me it is easier to be honest and up front with people and tell them how much you can deal with. In your situation I would let the other ladies know but express your desire not to talk about it, they will understand.

It really has to be led by you, if people don't know abut your miscarriage then it may be harder for you to express your feelings openly or when you choose to.

With one of my pregnant friends I rang her before I was due to see her and told her over the phone, this made meeting up a little easier.

I have also learnt that people will say 'silly' things that they think might help, in some respects you have to allow people to express their thoughts even though it often isn't helpful and can sometimes make you cross! IN situations like these we all have a need to say something when really just listening is more supportive. Both my dh and I have learnt that important lesson through all of this and next time someone close to me goes through soemthing traumatic I will try to keep my mouth shut and my foot out of it. Listening is a far more powerful support than trying to 'fix' things with words.

No-one can take this miscarriage away from you, no-one can make you feel better by a trhow away comment but allow them to say it, let it wash over you and know that you will come through this with the support of true friends and your family.
Take care and take time to wotk through your feelings
Scubes x

I decided to tell them all. I sent a group text round saying what had happened, that I was Ok but didn't want to feel that I couldn't mention it at any point so I wanted them to know. They were all very understanding, offered help with dd (am clinging on to her though as I hate being on my own atm- she's at nursery today and it's HELL) and invited me round any time. I'm not really feeling up to seeing anyone but I might go round to one of them on Wednesday morning. I am having a day out with my bf on Thurs with our 2 dc so the half term week may not drag on as much as I had expected.

Now I just have to deal with work. Just can't face going back yet....

Hi,
I had a missed miscarrige just after Chritmas 2005.I think the text was a good idea.But just to follow on-I was really depressed without even knowing it for months after becuase I didnt talk about it much and also because everyone around me was a bit, 'well you were only 12 weeks so its not that bad' in a way.And I thought that myself to some extent..I went back to work far too soon which didnt help.So take as much time as you can is my advice-and why not keep dd off nursery and with you for a few days-it wont hurt her and you can just spend some time together which will be a comfort to you I think..

I recently had my 3rd m/c, no-one at work knew I was pg apart from my direct boss. I did not want to appear weak or anything to him, and did not want to have to answer questions about what was wrong with me to everyone else, so went back to work too soon, I now think.

Last week I had to have a repeat ERPC to remove products left behind, and I have an infection and feel not good, so have to take even more time off. This time I am just going to take the time I need and too bad how it looks. But I am not sure what to say to people about why I have been off work then back then off again...I am not looking forward to the questions when I go back.

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through too. The doc said i could either have 'threatened miscarriage' or 'gynae probs' on my sick note but that the latter often raised more disucssion and conversations than the former so I opted for the truth, which i'm glad about now. I think in a way I need to have some time on my own as that is when I start thinking about things and getting upset- when I'm busy with dd I don't have time to think about it and can stay in control a bit more. i spoke to my sister and she thinks I need to let it out a bit more and that I am probably best to do that by myself. Dd knows something is going on as she is very clingy and keeps telling me how much sh eloves me so I'm always conscious of not upsetting her. I have been out a nda bout all day today so that I don't have to spend too long on my own and have definitely been more upset than the past few days

Scootermum. I know exactly how you feel. I was 6.5 weeks and kept thinking that it was better that it happened then that furhter on but I hate other people saying it!
Thanks for letting me rant a bit, has actually helped!

Glad you felt able to let people know Hayls. At least you won't have to worry about seeming "normal" all the time.

Take care of yourself.

HI Hayls, am so sorry about your m/c, I posted a message on your original post as I thought you were having your scan today.

It is really tough, i ahd 2 m/c in the last year and my two best friends are pregnant. It really is tough as I didnt tell them. It was especailly hard when we all went away for a weekend, aqushed together ina caravan with the two of them swapping scan pics!!

HOwever, I didnt tell them as I didnt want them to feel bad or guilty , or take any pleasure from their special time, especailly as It was one of their first pregnancy.

I will tell them, just when the time is right .

ITs so dfficult Hayls, amnd I hop your ok xxxc

Hayls
Sorry to hear your sad news. I'm a little further along than you, I had a mmc at the start of October at 14+2, followed by medical management, a few hospital visits and an erpc on 9th october. I have been in work this week and last week (on a very p/t basis)and I agree with what others have said. I'm certainly better when I'm with others but I do allow myself time to cry my eyes out and i think you need to as well. I almost plan it into my schedule.
Our ds's funeral was yesterday and I'm feeling stronger every day, allow yourself time to grieve and don't go back to work until you're ready.
bfb

Sorry to hear that bigfatbump. I hope you are OK. I disn't quite understand- whose funeral was yesterday? MY thoughts are with you, it muse be even moer heartbreaking to get so far in your pregnancy before this happens.

Yesterday was good, went out for the day with dd and we had fun then we went to a friends this morning. Howeber, she is at nursery again now and I am lurking here rather than go and spend time on my own I feel very up and down but we are going away for the weekend and spending the day picking pumpkins with a friend tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer us up!

Its a good idea to get away I think.You are doing all the right things.We went off to the New Forest and it helped get us out of our routine and cleared heads a bit.
Take one day at a time anyway.Thats the key.

Hi Hayls,

Sorry for your sad news. I too had a MMC followed by an ERPC 2 weeks ago at 13 wks. My situation differs as I had just told everyone that I was pregnant the week before and then had to tell them about the mc.

The most difficult part is that one of my closest friends is pregnant and her due date was 6 days after me. I also look after her DS 2-3 days a week while she works. So see her all of the time.

I hope I don't find it too difficult to see her getting bigger and chatting to her about pregnancy/baby.

My plan at the moment when everything settles down is to get pregnant again as soon as possible so I can get my focus and plans back on track.

I have found though that letting people know what you have been through makes it much easier to to be around them as it protects you (most of the time) from painful conversations and awkward topics. With the exception of my SIL/BIL who have never acknowleged my pregnancy or MC even though I had the displeasure of staying with them last weekend but thats a whole other thread..

Anyway all I want to tell you is to take care of yourself and do and say what feels right for you
during this sad time.
HTH XX