Trying again. Need objective thoughts as am not very objective atm.

[foundintranslation]

This summer I miscarried twice in consecutive cycles. The mcs were very different, probably unrelated and despite having also had a mc before having ds, I am fundamentally optimistic that I will be able to have a successful pg in the future. Emotionally I'm also beginning to feel on a more even keel, and I know that I would like to be, and feel up to being, pg again soon.

Anyway, I got my first period since the last mc last week and am now entering my fertile time as per my usual cycle. For whatever reason, I've found myself, over the last few days, making a desperate dilemma out of whether to 'ttc' this month or not (I say 'ttc' because it would really only amount to not using contraception, but I do seem to get pg very quickly - my conceptions have been on 2nd, 3rd, 1st and 1st cycle respectively). Rationally I know myself that making such an issue out of one cycle (we definitely plan to start ttc next cycle) is silly, but it still seems to huge dilemma for me right now. I can't help thinking that if we left it this time and subsequently found we could not conceive again, or conceived and (God forbid) mc again, I would be forever wondering what would have happened if we had tried this cycle... I'm not sure, with my history, whether I can afford to pass up any 'chance'. OTOH the thought of conceiving this cycle and mc again is too much to bear - I'm sure that at some level I would blame myself (which I certainly didn't do last time, despite not having waited at all). Anyway, I'm really really stuck on this, have been going over and over it for days and not got anywhere, however sternly and rationally I've told myself off about it... so any thoughts would be very welcome. Thank you.

scared

Well, that's it for this cycle. Fertile time definitely over, 'unused'. There are no guarantees that I won't feel hideous when my period comes or the next time I see a gloriously pg woman with a toddler in tow (the 'could be me' experience...), but I think it was right to leave it this time. I was quite simply too scared and think I would have had an uncomfortable time waiting for my period.

Thanks for all your help.

Oh, just wanted to add, this thread is incredibly me-me-me, for which I'm sorry - and I'm really sorry so many of us have had to go through this and similar.

hi
i had three ms and the psychological effect is overwhelming and it's not always easy to be positive. I don't think there is any proven waiting time for trying again, there's nothing wrong with trying straight away. But sometimes you feel like you are stuck in a cave too frightened to go back into the sun. when you are ready you will crawl out and demand another chance.

we'll hold your hand

Hi again FIT. As you know, I have had 3 m/c's within the last 18 months, and have never had a successful pg. I am now ill with an infection following the last one.

DH and I have talked about this a lot in the last couple of weeks and have decided to decide nothing until next year, just to focus on me getting well again for now. Deciding for sure that we will not be trying again for the next few months (we will use contraception to make sure nothing can happen) has made me feel better. Because of my age this may mean it never happens, but even so, I cannot go through this again right now. It feels better (a bit) that the pressure is off right now, and I am going to focus on (in this order) 1. regaining my health 2. planning and arranging for when my stepdaughter comes to live with us in January and 3. planning a fab Christmas and holiday for me, DH and his 2 girls.

I know I will have more strength to think about this all in a few months. Maybe take the pressure off yourself and decide not to decide on anything for a bit?

Thank you. What a lovely thought naturegirl.

Oh Nicola, what a rough time you have had, I'm sorry the infection's still bothering you. I can really identify with the 'I can't face this again' feeling - in my case it seems to be at war with the 'urge to try again' feeling.

FIT, for what it's worth I am feeling just the same. The hope junkie and the pessimist in me are fighting. I cant give up, but can't face the ups and downs. Yet because I really want another child, I cant give up.

I hope you can manage to work out what is best for you, duchesse.

Just updating this. I spotted on Weds and Thurs and then it stopped. I wasn't late but it was all very untypical. I really thought I might be pg - we had been avoiding pg by calendar and my cycle never varies beyond a very specific period of a few days, but I worried the mc might have messed it up. I really felt very unhappy about the possibility - surprisingly so - I just did not feel ready to face the worry and possibility that it could all go wrong again, and the consequences if it did. Now my period has started properly and the dominant emotion is relief. I presume that at some point in the next few cycles I will feel stronger and able to try for the second child we still very much want.

Thanks again everyone. (Ellbell and Greeny, I'll be in touch soon, just dropping in now )

hi just thought id write i know its late but just joined i had missed misscarriage in may and we decided to try again its been 6 1/2 months we decided two months ago i was late and really excited but also quite scarred was i doing the right thing had loads of symptoms but preg tests were neg turned out i had extreme uti anti biotics for two weeks and waiting game again just had proper period so this is the month just came off one week till ovulation but my emotions are so eratic im low and dont know if its the right thing i do hope you are ok and i hope things work out the way you would like finger crossed we both might have good news by xmas

Good Luck To you both. My SIL had a MS then DD1 DD2 then MC and due Baby in 8 Wks time. Anything is possible.

I am of the conclusion that these things are not governed by rational phenomena so I guess you just need to do what feels right. My pregnancy is not developing properly and I will probably have an ERPC in two weeks and the reason for that is because I don't want to lose time when I could be ttc again. This is my second failed pregnancy but I guess I should feel lucky I have ds. Whatever you decide foundintranslation I wish you the best. Sorry to hear of everyones losses. I don't know what I would do if I had 8 as 2 seems bad enough .

Hi, just updating too. I decided not to even think about anything to do with ttc or pg for at least 3 months, and have gone back on the pill and concentrated completely on the rest of my life (which is incredibly busy and interesting right now). I am feeling so well now, it is such a contrast to how I felt for ages just a month or so ago. I had forgotten what it was like to be without pain and without that feeling of misery and anxiety, and being aware constantly of what your body is doing wrong.

So right now this is working for me. I will perhaps rethink everything around February.

I've had 3m/c in the last year or so (already have one 3yr old with no probs in that pregnancy). Am now 15 wks pregnant. EAch time I waited for one cycle and then was lucky and got pregnant straightaway - except this last one (the one that is ok so far) which happened after 2 cycles. I think just go for it when you feel right. Do nag dr to check things out for you if you are not happy and also, once pregnant, ask about being put on low dose aspirin - i had lots of tests re m/c which all came back normal but the dr put me on aspirin anyway - its working so far! Good luck - and remember it is not your fault

Hi FIT - don't know if you are still on your MN break, but if not, I hope you are doing ok and would love to know if you decided to try again this month. Good luck and look after yourself. xxx

Aneme, I have had every test under the sun, including three hysteroscopies and all the blood tests (twice), scans, x-rays, everything, and was on both aspirin and injected heparin in my last pregnancy, but mc'ed anyway (third mc also). I don't know what we will decide to do next (possibly may in the end decide not to try again, but have not come to that decision either, and I am enjoying just not talking or thinking about it for a while).

It can begin to take over your life can't it? I must admit that, if anything had gone wrong this time round (I am touching wood that I am past the danger zone), then I was questioning whether to try again. I think there comes a time when you are exhausted physically and emotionally.

I'm really sorry for all your losses. I had a m/c in 99 followed by an ectopic pg in 2000 and didn't dare try for another baby. I already had dd1 in 93 and was bleeding heavily during 1st trimester. Until I met a top chinese doctor. First he corrected my back problem which could be a factor for m/c. He then gave me herbal remedies and to follow a strict diet to get my body back into a child bearing state. I was not allowed to try until he told me to.

After 6 months, I was given the green light. I got pg first time and no spotting or bleeding. My ds is now 3.5 and I've also got dd2 by accident who is 21 months.

Sometimes we may think that we are in good health but there maybe something wrong inside that we do not know about. Our body will normally tell us by rejecting the foetus. It hurts loads but you have to be strong and build up your health so your baby can be in the best enviornment for the crucial time of his/her life.

I have been lucky to have ds and dd2. I'd like to wish you all luck who are ttc. Waiting to see loads of baby announcements on MN next year.