Suddenly and unexpectedly although he had been poorly with a chronic condition. He was 69 so not old.
It's only sinking in now and it hurts. It hurts because he wasn't a good dad, quite the opposite, but he didn't mean to be. In the last year with his health poor I travelled a long way every other weekend to be with him.. usually he was pretty drunk when I arrived (functional alcoholic) and he wasn't that much fun to be with. But the last weekend, he was sober and it was nice. When I put him to bed (he had broken his thigh this year and not recovered) he said he loved me. We had finally managed to have a good relationship..and now he's gone.
I feel so sad, and cheated, cheated that I will never be a little girl with a Dad who would do anything for her, like my DH is to our children. As an adult I can sort of understand the life events that made him how he was, but I wish I could grieve for a much loved dad that I lost, and not have it complicated with the pain of not knowing if he really ever loved me, and why he didn't try to be a proper dad. And now it's too late to ask why.
I'm so very glad I spent the last year being there, but it hurts. He knew he wasn't a good dad.. I found a letter in with his will in which he said, he hoped whatever he left would help make up for his failure as a father :(
I loved him, loved him regardless, and just wish I knew that he knew that...