How do I stop myself from crumbling over Dad's impending death?

[queenofthepirates]

My Dad is 68 and has leukaemia and isn't expected to live much longer. It's probably weeks not months. We found out two days ago and I am really struggling to pull this together. I have always been a coper but my landlord needs to sell my house so we move in two months time and that's another thing to deal with. I'm a single mum running my own business and this is all getting on top of me. The person I would normally go to is my mum (dad's ex wife) but as luck would have it, she left on Monday for the holiday of a lifetime for ten weeks. I know she wouldn't want to know about Dad's impending death and I don't want to spoil her trip. That's not bravado, she told me she didn't want to know if anyone died.

How do I cope with all this coming ahead of me?. I have employees so I can't shut the business down and hide away. I have no boyfriend to offload on and whilst my friends are being amazing, I don't know how I feel about everything. Should I visit the GP and see about asking for something to make this a little less raw so I can function, move house, run the business and cope with a toddler who misses her grandma and is playing up?

Sorry to hear you are dealing with the very sad news of your Dad's terminal illness. I think visiting your GP is a great place to start. You are dealing with many losses at the one time. Can you discuss with a friend getting practical support for moving house, babysitting or running the business so you can spend time with your Dad?
maybe don't expect too much of yourself through all of the changes try to reassure your child when you can. Guess you can't tell your toddler it's sixty sleeps til grandma comes home,as she can't count to sixty! Can you read to your toddler at night and spend special time together for 40 minutes prior to her bed-time to reassure her.

My Dad has been ill with Mantle cell lymphoma (cancer of the white blood cells and lymph glands) for five years. He has got to the stage of not being well enough to go out of his home Although Mum is caring for him, she also pushes him to eat more, and somehow takes him out every few days, though he barely can walk without needing to sit down again for a rest. when I see my Dad I spend time talking about how is is, what's on his mind Sometimes we just spend time reminiscing (with noisy kids in background at times!), which he enjoys, more than he ever has at any stage of his life. I talk openly with my kids about the fact that he is dying and they do cuddle him more every time they greet him which I think gives him some comfort. up to you what you share with your little girl, and depends on what she can understand, but it doesn't need to be frightening for her. You could start with telling your toddler her grandpa has become so ill that he will need to rest more and would like extra gentle cuddles Take care of yourself and your toddler xo

A friend of mine organises a Death Cafe, where people go to discuss just this type of thing, you can look it up online to find if there is one close to you, even if you cannot attend they may be able to point you in the correct direction to find support. Alternatively there is Cruse which is a counselling service for those who have been bereaved.

The Gp may be able to help locate support but I am not sure medication is the answer, it, in my experience, numbs things so that doesnt necessarily mean that you can carry on as normal.

Hope that helps somewhat. Who normally helps you with the business when you have other issues to deal with? If no one perhaps this is something you can address before you need to.

How much can your father do for himself? Some people do a great deal to plan for their death, I went to a funeral before Xmas which the person had planned for, probably long before they needed to as they died only after a short illness. If the funeral planning is in place then that is one less responsibility for you as it sounds as if you have a great deal of those already.
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Hope you are OK Queenofthe pirates. None of us want to lose our parents, even though we know no-one can live forever and only just hearing the news that your Dad hasn't long to live may feel raw and strange for some time and this is normal but hard to deal with when children see us teary or emotional.

Hi queen. I would agree with the others that the gp is a good place to start for some support. I think getting emotional support for you needs to be the first priority.

Also look online for support groups near you. My mum is at the end of terminal cancer and I had a period of counselling with the local cancer support centre. It really helped just to have somewhere I could go and have a good cry with someone who understood if nothing else. Also if your father has a palliative care worker do speak to them. In my experience they have been very keen on supporting the family as well and were very helpful and reassuring.

With the house I would consider either speaking to your landlord and asking for an extra couple of months or trying to move as soon as possible to get it out the way.

I don't know how I can help with your business but think about what you can put on hold or other support you can call on for when you need it. The same for care for your dd when it gets near the end and you want to spend time with your dad. Is the someone who can babysit for you or other childcare you can use?

Your dd will be fine, mine is almost 3 and though I have found it really hard particularly the last few days she has been a huge comfort and my mum has loved having her to visit in the hospice. We have been open with dd about mum's illness and she has taken it all in her stride

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is hard and everything just seems too much to bear sometimes, but you will get through it.

Hi OP i am sorry you are in this situation.I also have alot going on in my home life while dealing with both parents battling stage 4 cancer.Dad has worsenedalthough giving chemo another try for palliative care.
I too have no idea how i will cope when one or both pass away and cant say much to Mum who is caring for her hubs of 49 yrs while battling cancer herself.
Look after yourself and let out your worries on here or on the Macmillan site.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and helpful links. My wonderful landlord has been great and given me plenty more time to sort out alternative accommodation. Sometimes it's just the little things that are hard to battle; one of my employees told me she couldn't do part of her job because she was a bit scared of making a fool of herself. I had to walk away to stop myself screaming at her 'do you have any fucking idea how scared I am just now?' But of course that wouldn't have helped and I need to quietly support her and get her to do the job so I don't have to cover it for her.

Dad's going downhill fast and we have a last day out planned for him, my brother and I. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the day to be honest. It's a few days after my 40th birthday. This is not how I planned to spend my birthday.

On the plus side, my hair looks really nice today and I realised I'd accidentally tried to claim for catnip on my tax return. I don't work in a cat related field so it tickled me a little.

Hi Queenofthepirates so pleased you are getting some support from your landlord.Work colleagues have no idea do they!! one of mine said we must all realize that our parents will get old and die...thats because his parents dont Both have incurable cancer and havent had major surgery or both been on chemo at the same time.
I hope your planned day goes well and i am sorry your dear Dad is going downhill. Take plenty of photos.

Unfortunately Dad didn't make it to our planned day out; he passed away last night on my 40th birthday. Way to celebrate.

I'm so sorry to hear that Queen, I was just reading and thinking that your planned day out sounded lovely. I'm sure your dad thought so too and that it have him comfort that he had such thoughtful offspring. Take care, I hope you have someone to support you in real life and I will be thinking about you today

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

Dear Queen,
I am so sorry for your loss and the particularly difficult timing. Try and take care of yourself, remember to eat and come back here whenever you need to talk. Xx

I'm so sorry queen what an awful time.

Life is so very unfair x

How bloody dreadful for you. Take care.

So sorry, Queen. It is 16 years this week since my beloved dad died and I still think of him daily and miss him so much, especially on special family ocassions. I often wish I could have him back, just for 5 minutes! Eventually the memories will hurt less but the relationship you had will always remain special. Be kind to yourself xx

Queen I am so very sorry for your loss. Very un MN but can I offer you a big hug?

So sorry for your sad loss x
My grandmother died on my Dads birthday, so he always has that bittersweet memory too, but the old cliche is right he says, it does get easier with time, although it certainly won't feel like it for a long time yet. Take good and gentle care of yourself and family x

So sorry. Hugs x

take care xx