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Bereavement

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Original poster

Horrific end, I should have done more

42 replies

Hurts5 · 09/01/2015 04:34

Towards the end of November after a week in hospital and numerous tests we were told my Gorgeous Man had lung cancer which had spread to his liver and brain. On Monday morning he died and I am washed with grief and guilt that I could have done more at the end of his time to have made it easier for him. I took advice from medical staff but I knew and didn't do more. They told me he was having a panic attack when actually he was dying. He was in pain and terrified when they said they wouldn't let this happen...they did...I did. I am so scared he will never forgive me. I can't eat,sleep and just don't want to be around anyone. I know it is early days and I have to organise his funeral... I want him,I just want him.

OP posts:
Celestria · 09/01/2015 08:49

Oh hurts. I'm so sorry. I don't know your lovely DH but I'm guessing he loved you as much as you love him. And I am sure he wouldn't want you beating yourself up like this. He had you. You were there. You held him. And you loved him. Please be kind to yourself. He is at peace now and in no more pain or distress. Wishing you much love. Thanks

DelGirl · 09/01/2015 09:08

Daisy - so sorry for your loss too and you have said so much better than I did. I didn't mean to focus on the guilt which is an undeserved emotion. You have to tell yourself you did all you could and im certain your dh knew that and would hate to see you suffer x

Original poster
Hurts5 · 11/01/2015 11:16

Daisy I am so sorry for your loss. I would like to private message you but I am not sure how to do it?
Thank you to everyone who took the time to say such lovely things. I am going to get some help, I can't do this on my own.
xx

OP posts:
ancientbuchanan · 11/01/2015 11:35

Hurts, I am so so sorry.

You are absolutely right to get help. Cruse is excellent usually, but the hospital ought to have bereavement counsellors too.

There is a pattern to many people's grief and you need to expect it, hurt, denial, anger etc. Counsellors will help through.

Although it was with our DM, we went though some of this last year. And I continue to feel guilt. But, our DM was with the people she loved most, just as your DH was. Touch is one of the last senses that goes and you were holding him. You had got hold of his friends and family. He knew he was loved and not alone. I regret hugely not having got enough pain relief at the end too, if only I had called earlier, made more of a fuss. I shall always regret that. But I did what I could, I am not a professional, I could only love and be with her. And ultimately that's all one can be and do. At least she was not alone, which she would not have liked. He, and she, were surrounded by love.

Grief will wash through you. But you did what you could and he knew that and if there is a post death consciousness knows that. And your love for each other is a reality and was proven.

Original poster
Hurts5 · 11/01/2015 12:02

I want to be with him, it is a totally selfish thing to even think because I have my children (not his) to love and care for.
I would never do anything to hurt them, it's just the way I feel. I don't know how to be without him, I don't want to be without him. I miss him so much, I wanted more time, I wanted forever.

OP posts:
MissBeans · 11/01/2015 12:22

Oh Hurts, I feel for you. I hope time will heal your grief. Your DH had you with him and your loving and caring presence and that in itself would have been a great comfort to him. Thinking of you. So very sorry for your loss Flowers

WooWooOwl · 11/01/2015 19:52

Oh, your post has made me cry! I see your pain so clearly, and I know how gut wrenchingly horrendous is it to know that the man you love is never coming back. I lost my DH last year, although in different circumstances, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's just horrible. You're not alone. Keep going. Keep writing whatever is in your head on here. Flowers

daisydotandgertie · 11/01/2015 20:15

Hurts, there's a button on the far RHS of the page on the same line as the posters name. It's marked 'message poster'.

You will manage, even though it might be just one minute at a time. There are a few of us on this thread - Del, me, Woo - who have been where you are. Talk to us if it helps.

BCBG · 12/01/2015 23:50

I went through this with my beloved mother in the end stages of heart failure when the medics refused to see she was dying and kept pushing pills into her and when I begged for sedation they refused in case she died. She died three hours later after the most dreadful, awful struggle. I have never told my siblings the truth and it has taken me five years to even see that at least I was there at the end. I feel that I can never forgive myself for not helping her - but I guess the truth is that I can't forgive the experts for failing to give her the death with dignity she deserved. It has taken me a long time to recover and I just wanted to say that in time you will as well, as Daisy will too. My heart breaks for your loss, and I can only wish you peace in the end. As time goes on perhaps counselling will help. I am so sorry. It does ease, that's all I wanted to say.

3girlies · 14/01/2015 09:26

Hurts, you were with him and holding him in the end and that is the main thing. Many people do not even have this. We all think we could have done more in my experience, but is is likely that we could not have done more, it is a natural response. I am so sorry for your loss, but you will keep going as your children need you, that is what makes me get up in the morning.
I lost my 6 year old daughter 2.5y ago after she had battled a brain tumour, the end was quick for us too, which I am sure was better for her but not for us.
Make sure you accept any offers of help at all, don't try to do everything.

ilovesprouts · 21/01/2015 17:54

im so sorry how old was he ? x

Misfitless · 30/01/2015 07:54

HurtS

I'm bumping because I was wondering how you are managing. I lurked earlier on in the thread, but didn't post because I didn't have the right words. I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking of you.

rotool · 09/02/2015 02:15

His funeral was beautiful and I hope everything he wanted. It hurt so much I don't know how I got through the day but I guess I did.
Every day is a struggle to get up and do ' normal ' things.
His friends have been an amazing support and I think, always will be but...on valentines day we are going to let him go. I wanted a small gathering but it has turned into a big affair and I don't know if I can go through it all again.
I feel so guilty for not wanting to be there, I don't know what to do. I don't want to look back and have regrets, my friends say it's okay not to go but his friends are all begging me to be there.
I miss him so much, my life doesn't feel complete without him.

Leakingwellies · 19/02/2015 17:19

Just come across this thread and wondered how you are coping. I went through a very similar experience with my dh last year in March so I truly understand your feelings of despair and loss.

The fact that I m still functioning is testament to the human spirit but of course at the time every day was an effort and every night I prayed I wouldn't wake up.

I don't feel qualified to offer advice but please know others are thinking of you. Take care of yourself xx

Idiotdh · 20/02/2015 20:48

This reminds me of when my dad died ..I was inconsolable and felt so guilty that somehow if I could have gone back in time to the phone calls etc, I could have reversed what happened. I later learnt the worst possible pain comes from losing someone closest to you. I felt so responsible and just went over and over it again and again.
This is grief, huge grief and all the up against the wall feelings that come with it. I remember feeling there was no one I wanted to talk to..only him, and he wasn't there. The hardest grief is sudden death of someone who is compos mentis..it's agony.
My heart goes out to you. You will eventually getvthroughbthis and what you are experiencing is grief from an unexpected death.
When you have a terminal diagnosis, there is often a plan..sadly that plan can be interrupted at any time by sudden events and deterioration ..this is quite common in lung cancer because often there is airway and breathing problems, pneumonia and bleeding..all of which can be quite sudden and catastrophic.
The issue you raise about not being sedated as end of life is really because they were still treating him and thus that phase of end of life treatment had not yet started.
It's all very confusing for you and it's making you feel responsible..but really you are not..none of this is your fault and you need to believe that because its true.
Wishing you peace.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 29/06/2015 22:45

My heart goes out to you
It's sounds like the medical profession could have helped more and they should feel guilty NOT you

Plus you are dealing with both the aftermath of a horrible death and bereavement

You sound like you did your very very best and I am so sorry you had to experience this

In time I suspect you will get angry - but in the meantime sending Flowers And make sure you speak to bereavement help

Bless you OP anyone would be honoured to have the care you have him - really

Fromparistoberlin73 · 29/06/2015 22:46

Idiot DH that's such a helpful and supportive post - sorry for your losses too

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