Arguing so much with DH since losing my mum

[Millie3030]

Hi, I was just wondering how your relationships were affected after losing someone you loved? I lost my mum last Tuesday after a 7month battle with lung cancer. And I have been struggling with my family relationships since then.

My family has always been quite fiery, but it just seems like a warzone. I have argued (big screams shouty ones, door slamming etc) with my husband every day for the last 5 days, over the most ridiculous things, from him always losing his keys, or him stressing over what his mum wants for the Boxing Day buffet, this resulted in some shouting on my part of the "at least you have a bloody mum, put things in perspective, I don't care what sodding fancy crackers and feta cheese she wants!!"

I just don't have the energy to deal with him, my DF is also being a nightmare doing very little planning on the funeral front leaving most of it to me, and up until a heated discussion with him last week I thought I was going to have to pay for it. (After him shouting at me, storming out and ignoring me for a few days, he has gotten over it and realises that he should pay for it)

I'm back at work, have a DS and just feel I have so much going through my head I can't sleep at night.

Is it normal to struggle with relationships after a bereavement? Did any of your marriages suffer/end because of a bereavement?

I'm sorry for your loss millie I lost my mum 3 years ago now and can honestly say I sounded just like you. I bickered with my husband for about a month, it was the little things, like him asking what I wanted for tea, to me shouting back ' I don't care about bloody tea, '

It's an emotional time, and Christmas won't help. Your trying to stay strong for everyone and that adds to your stress. I'm guessing you havnt had the funeral yet? I found that bit inbetween he hardest. The funeral helped the healing process.

I ended up writing my husband a letter to try to explain how I was feeling. As I honestly believe until you loose a parent you can't even begin the imagine how it feels.

We are actually stronger now as eventually I think he realised what I meant, we got married after my mum died and I think it was then he realised how I'd been feeling.

It's early days sweetheart. Take each day as it comes, you need to grieve too. Sending you an un mumsnetty hug.

Thank you greencheese that's helpful to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The funeral is tomorrow and I think that will help with my emotions.

You are right, Christmas is making things much harder as I feel like I am going to have to 'act' happy with my in laws and family that are staying over at ours. I want Christmas to be over as soon as possible as it will just be a painful reminder that she isn't here, but I can't be selfish I have a family and I have to try and make it a good one. Scared I will spend Xmas dinner crying into my Brussels sprouts, but I've just got to power through.

So sorry for your loss Millie. I can relate, I lost my mum almost 2 years ago and it caused quite a lot of stress in my relationship with my DH.

I would agree with green, it's very early days and you need to grieve yourself. Don't worry about arguments or being snappy; things will get better in time. It's hard for those close to us to help us when we're grieving. I found that I only wanted to be with my sister when we lost our mum and I pushed my husband away. He was mainly understanding but we did have some heated moments. However he still doesn't and probably won't ever understand how I felt/feel but with time I have become less resentful of that.

Do you really have to have Christmas with your in laws? Last Christmas was the first one without my mum and we went abroad. And this year I'm not seeing in laws either; it's too hard for me to be reminded of my loss. And do you really have to be at work? I took 3 weeks off after my mum died. But sometimes work can be a welcome distraction.

You sound like you're being really strong and thinking of others which is lovely of you and sometimes that helps with coping too. Just don't forget to think of you sometimes. If your in laws do come this Christmas can they take some of the stress away from you somehow?

Sorry I'm rambling now. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.

If you possibly can at this stage, cancel Christmas with your ILs. It's going to be bloody hard for you without guests, however well-meaning. Your DH needs to gain a bit of empathy, I think. Can you sit him down and have a calm talk about quite how awful you're feeling? Spell it out to him?

I'm so sorry for your loss. In time (not yet), bereavement counselling could be useful.

So sorry for your loss.

Yes, it is bereavement. I lost my mum to cancer and it was horrendous wrench.

Agree to the cancelling Xmas with ILs suggestion. Nearly 5 years later it is still a time that I struggle with a bit even though I put concious effort into it as a I know it will be hard.

Go to your GP, get grief counselling (Cruse are great), take some pressure off yourself.

One thing that really helped me (although it may be too soon for this), did your mum have a favourite perfume/face cream or body lotion- something that is a scent that reminds you of her. That really helped take the edge off for me when I was/am missing her dreadfully, mush more so than looking at photos.

Millie, I lost my gran on the same day as you lost your mum. I've started a thread about how it has affected my relationship with dh so far ( among other things). My gran was 97 and had a peaceful end. It was 'her time' and yet still I struggle with dh's reaction. My heart goes out to you as I can imagine the additional emotions that you must be experiencing after your mums battle with cancer.

Thanks ladies, in some ways I'm looking forward to having a busy house over Christmas as it means I have less time to sit and think.

What is your thread called yellowfern?

It's still very up and down, my dad is struggling and saying he wishes he could just forget Christmas. But my mum loved Xmas so I think we should still do the roast and presents and just focus on my DS, my mum would have done anything just to be with him at Xmas, so he is the focus this year. It's nice how sweet and innocent they are and as he is only 18months he hasn't got a clue what's going on, which is nice.