Both my parents are dead and I feel so detached from my peers

[ducksonabrook]

I am 32 and both my parents are dead. My Mum died when I was 15, and my Dad died a few months ago.

I can't describe how alone I sometimes feel. Friends are lovely but just the same I can sometimes feel a huge gap engulf me when they brightly ring their parents or text them, or talk about arrangements for Christmas or Sunday roasts.

I feel so very alone and as if I am set apart from others my age - some friends have grandparents who are still alive. I don't have children (though I want them) and it really saddens me that neither parent will ever meet their grandchildren and my children will be denied this relationship on their side.

I just wondered if anyone else understood or empathised with what I'm going through especially as Christmas approaches.

Ducks - I don't post much on MN any more, but I couldn't read your post and not respond. I'm so sorry for your losses, that is so tough. I lost my mother when I was 28 and my father when I was 34 (I'm now 46 and still know very very few people who have lost both parents). I know exactly how you feel about being parentless, esp at Christmas, it is tremendously hard. My mother didn't see any of her grandchildren although my dad at least did meet ds1 and dd (he died when dd was 9 weeks old). I found that many friends just didn't get it as they had poor relationships with their parents or just couldn't conceive of them not being there, but a few precious friends always got it, talked about my parents and let me know that they were thinking of me. Do you have any friends who you can talk to? Or siblings to share this with? One thing I would say is don't put on a brave face all the time, it's ok to say you're feeling sad - I bottled a lot of stuff up and that was a mistake. Also, it does get better - time heals and bring a happy memories as a comfort, but it does take a while. Raising my own family has also been healing for me, although don't go and have millions of babies as a displacement activity! Anyway, take care and know that there others in your position and that you will get get through it. Tell a close friend how you are feeling - they might be scared to mention it in case they upset you, but may surprise you with how much they care.

Thank you :) Some close friends are fantastic but just the same I don't want to be melancholy and sad around them. I also find it's worse when i'm sat in alone.

I definitely want a family of my own - currently single - working on changing that in the New Year! :)

I think you will find that your friends won't mind if you're sad at times - don't feel you have to plaster on a permanent smile just to stop them from feeling uncomfortable. On those lonely nights, are you able to go out and do something? I used to go to the cinema alone a lot when I was single and it was great (but then I love films and would happily go to cinema alone now). Or take up an evening class? It might sounds like a cliche but just that act of getting out and doing something alongside others every week, particularly where you don't know people and aren't poor, tragic ducksonabrook, will help at least with the general meh feeling about everything when you're in the middle of such grief. It's only a few months since your dad died, it is the worst time for it to be Christmas, but some plans for the New Year sound like a way forward - something to look ahead to so that the dark winter evenings don't feel so long. The problem is that grief can tip over into depression, so make a point of doing something small and cheering for yourself on a regular basis, even if it's just watching YouTube videos that make you laugh, or singing along to Let It Go (very therapeutic ).

I can only say it does get better the first Christmas, is hard. Even if you decide to spend it alone, still have some plans nice food, drink, tv etc.
My parents and grandparents had all died by my early 20's, I'm 35 now. Neither met my kids or partner which is a shame.

op, I so get your first post, I came on here feeling exactly the way you do. I feel alone and detached. Its so lonely. I miss my parents so much too.

for us all here

So sorry Ducks. I am with you as this is my first Christmas without either of my parents. My dad died 9 years ago and my Mum very unexpectedly 6 months ago. I am an only child, single and only 34! It kills me... I don't want to live the rest of my life without them. I still sob and sob about it every single day.

I don't know anyone else in this situation at all in RL. Even all my managers at work who are in their 50's still have at least 1 of their parents. I do have good support from friends and i try not to be jealous but i inevitably am, especially at this time of year with everyone making family plans, buying gifts etc.

Whereabout are you Ducks? If youre anywhere near London / SE and you ever fancy meeting for a coffee then PM me.

Big hugs to you xxx

So sorry to hear this.
My dad died in 1997 when I was 20,my mum died 1999 when i was 23.

I'm 38. I have my wonderful husband and children to help me.

It does get to me when people older than me have both their parents or are moaning about what their mum or dad has said.

I wish they had known me as an adult,i have needed them over the years but I feel they are watching over me and guiding me in life.

hugs and kisses to you and anyone else who has lost their parents.

xx

How was your Christmas Ducksonabrook? I kept thinking about you and hoping you had caring people around you to make it feel a bit better. It is very hard. Sorry to hear your sadness, too, elsabelle. The early months are so desperately sad, I'm not surprised you're in tears all the time. I had a bit of a weep this morning at an article in yesterday's paper, just a random story that reminded me of my mother. But it was a sort of happy crying, iyswim, which these days is a nice cathartic thing, an acknowledgement of missing them but without the desperation and anger of the early days. I remember very well the overwhelming frustration of not being able to pick up the phone to them, but that has greatly softened over time. It will for you too, but I know how difficult to imagine that must be right now.

I know how you feel, both my parents are gone and sometimes my heart aches for them. My friends still have their parents and I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes Im jealous of this, most of the time I just plod along, but occasionally I get these feelings of resentment and bitterness.Its not like they died recently, but this Christmas god have I missed them, I've spent most of my time reflecting back on fabulous Christmas times we enjoyed together. So I have no answers, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

I understand how u feel I lost my mum when I was 5 and my dad 4 years ago I was 22 he died a week before my birthday I found him collapsed upstairs at our house the first xmas was hard but it does get easier my dh is very understanding and knows this time of year I get sad and will have quiet days but my dd keeps me going I'm sad she won't see or meet them and how do explain she only has one set of grandparents when she is older but I deal with that when it comes to it. Chin up xxxxx

Hi my parents have been dead for over 20 years and I am 35. I think I only know two other orphans my age and they both had their parents until a lot more recently. Sometimes i get very angry and resentful about it especially when people moan about their parents (over little things not serious issues). I even find myself being jealous of people when their parents die now when they have them for 40 or 50 years or whatever when I was orphaned by the time I was 11 if that makes sense.

You're not alone!

So sorry to everyone in this sittation. I lost my dad when I was 20 and my mum 4 years ago in my early 40s. Only my mum met my 1st 2 dc. I find myself feeling so sad for my dc. my 3rd dd will only ever know 1 grandparent. Even worse I was really jealous of sil dd who will have 3 doting grandparents. ridiculous I know.

Just a note of solidarity - I lost both parents by the age of 30 and its just to say how much empathy I feel for you. There is no answer to the pain I'm afraid, but on the positive side, do remember you are still young with your life ahead of you, so try if possible to think of the future possibilities rather than loss, hard though it may be sometimes.

I'm not sure if you can associate your parents with happy thoughts of childhood - I hope that you can and those memories give you comfort.