Dh's Dad died and he's started drinking again

[Prufrock]

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Title makes it sound like he's an alkie - which he is definately not. But his Dad died a week ago - they were never close - in fact v. unclose at one point, but when i came along and then the kids hestrated to have a relationship, albeit a not particularly emotionally connnected one, with him. He'd had cancer so we expeted his death, though the last 8 weeks of FIL getting steadily worse in a hospice have been v. tough on Dh. He doesn't really show his emotions must at the best of times, but I think he's been dealing with it OK.

But now he's started drinking again- background, Dh's job is to entertain clients - a lot. He has a £3K a month budget to do so . This used to involve drinking v. nice wine with them, sometimes a botle a day+. But even then i wouldn't have said he was an alcoholic as he drank only for bsiness - would rarely join me in a glass at weekends or evenings. Anyway, last year he decided he wanted to look after his body a bit better, and has drunk only about12 bottles all year so far, all on special occasions. and has been going to the gym 5 times a week, and has lost 3 stone and feels (and looks I have to say) much much better. Until last week. Since he went back to work on Monday he has drunk a few glasses at every lunch, and done 2 evenings (including tonight) where he has had at least a bottle of wine.

I really don't mind this from my POV, but I think he is using alcohol to cope with his Dad's death, and I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or not. I mean, I'm not averse to a glass (or 3) of wine when I've had a stressful day, but when does it become unhelpful. and should I broach it with him, or just leave himto cope as he wants to? and if I should say something, how do i do it without it seeming like I'm having a go? which I'm really not at all - I just want to help him.

Sorry to hear it Prufrock. Grief is bloody hard (as you know, I know). Is there anyone he can talk to? Siblings?

Sorry for disjointedness - Pc playing up

x posted. I don't think you should have a go at him, esp if you don;t really think it's an alcohol problem per se, but his way of dealing with the immediate horror of it.

I wouldn't have a "go" at all. It's just that he's been so proud of himself for not drinking and losing weight and going to the gym, that i'm not sure if it is actually good for him to let it slip

Prufrock, wasn't suggesting that you'd be inappropriate! Up to you, obv, but it;s not about what's good for him atm imo, it;s about what it takes to get him through it. And we all know booze is a very short term solution, he probably knows it too.

I agree with www, it's still only a week since his dad died. He had the self-control to cut down enormously before and I expect he will again, when he's ready. He's taking temporary refuge in his wine and I don't blame him. Please don't worry, he sounds like a man who knows what he's doing.

Glad to hear the reason you haven't been around much is your pc problems and not that something was wrong (obv FIL death is something wrong but I mean over last few months). Must admit I was wondering where you had got to.

Poor DH and you.I think its still early days.It is very hard to watch a loved one deteriorate.Cancer is truly a terrible disease.Your dh is probably still not able to talk about his fathers death and evidently using alcohol as a crutch.I have seen a lot of varied reactions to death (I work on a cancer ward).Everyone reacts differently.Could he take some compassionate leave from work?

It might be that he is getting things together in his own mind.He will think of his dad and possibly be mulling over their relationship.It is so hard to watch your parent,who has usually been a focal point in your life become weak and vulnerable.There may have been things he wishes he had said to his father that he didnt.

Try to give him opportunities to talk about how he is feeling.It may take a while.Possibly his dads funeral will give him a chance to accept the reality of his fathers death.

If you feel that he is getting to a point that he is truly not coping in time I would suggest an organisation called CRUSE.If your FIL had a Mcmillan nurse they can also do bereavement counselling if you feel your DH would accept this.Or if you contact your local hospital they will be able to refer you to a McMillan nurse.

I would give him time and love to start coming to terms with his dads death,but if it starts impacting upon your relationship or that of your children it is time to call in additional help.Hugs.

Thank you - he did take 2 days off, and only worked for about 5 hours from home on those 2days so he obv. was really affected.

DH would never do conselling. He doesn't even talk to me about "stuff", let alone anyone else.

But whilst he was v. drunk on Thursday night, he didn't have a drink on Friday, went to the gym, and is currently up there again now whilst watching the England match. So I think it wasjst a short term crutch - not that I think he's really dealt with it all properly yet.

I'm jsut making sure he knows I am there to talk if he wants to . Oh, and giving him lots of sex, which he seems to appreciate......